


how to build a friend

by comeon_toparadise



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - America, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Weird Plot Shit, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-02-10 08:02:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 77,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18656308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comeon_toparadise/pseuds/comeon_toparadise
Summary: changbin had a lot of things going on with him. he was dissatisfied with life, had no real friends, hated himself for what he couldn't control, and lived with the constant fear and anger that threatened to eat him up daily. nothing ever mattered, especially not when he reflected off that anger and pain to others, making them peg him as the cold-hearted, snappy privileged kid.-and nothing was going to change that, not even that bubbly, annoying australian kid that made it sort of like his personal mission to befriend him.there was no way lee felix was going to get to him. no way at all.





	1. step 1: smile (felix)

**Author's Note:**

> cross posted on wattpad!

**MRS. GREEN, MY** resident, _probably_ cold-blooded specimen of a math teacher, had her dark eyebrows furrowed into her signature scowl, eyes narrowed and as sharp as razor blades at this very moment. It is a non-event just as it's an interesting one, since her steely gaze is directed at none other than the most mysterious boy in my senior class, Changbin Seo.

Changbin returns her stare with more fire, casually stood there in front of the class, stature basically screaming this I-don't-give-two-fucks vibe. His black sports back is lazily slung over one of his shoulders as his eye-contact with the bitchiest math teacher in history doesn't break in the slightest.

"You're _late_ ," Mrs. Green sneers, mouth pursed even further at the fact that some student had interrupted her 'Goodbye summer, hello Senior Year hell' speech that she had the 'pleasure' to deliver, seeing as my class ended up, unfortunately, being _her_ homeroom students. She was in the middle of talking to us about the _joys_ of handing in homework and assignments on time when the door to the class had been unceremoniously opened and Changbin nonchalantly stepped in, dropping the classroom's temperature to probably about a negative ten degrees.

Now, most people are used to coming in late to one of Mrs. Green's classes, and even though they'll end up being faced with her unavoidable wrath and unlimited supply of demerit or detention slips, no one _knew_ what would take place if you just so happened to enter one of her classes late and without an excuse in hand, on the _first day of school_.

The normally rowdy set of students that I had the pleasure of them being my classmates, an also blatant display of school heiarchy, had turned silent upon witnessing the 'showdown' between the school's number one lone-wolf, and the female teacher that was notorious with getting students in trouble. Seriously, everyone had a feeling -- or already knew -- that she seriously did _not_ like kids.

"Where's your late slip from the school aid?" Mrs. Green asks, tone bordering on scratchy as well as faux calm. It's already obvious that she's pissed.

"Didn't bother getting one," Changbin utters. His voice is almost silent, and stoic. Even the way he speaks shows off how reserved and closed-off he seems. He _still_ manages to maintain steady eye-contact with the Wicked Witch from the West, which is an accomplishment in itself. A slightly foolish one, though, since he's probably gonna get into heaps of trouble with that one statement.

The class turns even more silent. Even Pete Stevenson, my seatmate and my well-acquainted acquaintance at school and at my drama classes, who'd been no-so-subtly kicking at my desk's leg a couple minutes ago, lets out a small shaky laugh and stares at me with his icy blue eyes. "Shit, Felix, this is gonna be _so good_."

His voice is lowered in order not to alert Mrs. Green of his voice and unleash her anger onto him too. I chuckle a little bit, even though I'm _definitely_ not as humoured about this whole situation as he is. In fact, I just want the class to go on already, hating the way time seems to be stretching on endlessly, just because of this incident that's happening right now with Changbin.

Speaking of Changbin, my eyes haven't left him _once_ during this whole debacle with him and the teacher. It's hard _not_ to, though, because even if he's basically the poster-child of mystery, with a slice of rebelliousness and ice added to the mix, his stance, the way his dark brown, almost black hair falls into his eyes, and the way he presents himself to everyone, ironically, _draws_ me in, no matter how downright _idiotic_ it sounds.

It's obvious that Changbin and I are from opposite ends of the shallow high school social ranking. It's pretty dumb, but I guess it had been decided long ago, by whoever had the _bright_ idea to segregate students into sections and judge their worth by what clothes they wore, what family they belonged to, how they looked and what friends they had.

And now, due to that rule that had been set in place long ago, a budding friendship between Changbin, a lone-wolf, resident badboy and rebel, and me, Lee Felix, a resident sunny kid with an even _sunnier_ smile, with many casual friends and in love with all things Art, was very clearly not in the stars. And please, I am _so_ not referencing that _Rewrite the Stars_ song from _The Greatest Showman_.

"Mr. Seo," Mrs. Green starts, startling and drawing me out of my Changbin-induced reverie (which was weird, by the way). The whole class waits with bated breaths for what she's going to say next, "...see me after class."

It seems like the stiffness in the air has significantly relaxed, bringing an abrupt end to this situation. The temperature still stays its negative ten degrees though, and not because of Changbin, but because of the scowl that has seemed to permanantly etch itself on Mrs. Green's withering face. Seriously, does she ever _not_ frown?

"How anticlimatic," Pete -- _silently_ \-- sighs, shaking his head and making his dark brown curls bounce. No matter how much he trash talks Mrs. Green, and almost _all_ the teachers that step foot through the doors of the hell known as Ravenwood High, he's still lowkey-highkey afraid of her. Who wouldn't be though, with how angry she looks everyday?

"How anticlimatic, _indeed_ ," I mirror, chuckling at Pete's words and behaviour. For a person who 'claims' to hate drama, he's clearly a hoe for one.

"I heard you. And for the record, I am _so_ _not dramatic_ ," Pete says, confirming my suspicions about speaking my innermost thoughts out loud, a bad habit of mine. He places a hand on his chest, the left side specifically, his blue eyes rounding up. He blinks repeatedly, making me almost burst out in laughter. I'm thankful for the fact that Pete and I are seated towards the lower end of the classroom.

I, ungracefully, might I add, pause mid-laugh, freezing up and my shoulders tense, because holy shit, Changbin is _staring_ at me. Okay, he isn't really staring, our eyes just managed to coincidentally meet as he makes his way to his seat at the back of the class, but still. Holy shit.

While I don't consider Changbin to be a particularly scary person, he _is_ intimidating as hell. While we're busy locking eyes I can hear Pete snickering next to me as other students take out their books for the first official class of the day, which so happens to be Calculus. How fun.

I get the chance to see that Changbin's wearing black eye-liner before he's plopping himself down in his seat and Pete's loud sigh enters the left side of my ears.

"I wanna die right now. Like, there's no other valid option at this second when listening to the green witch of Oz talk about nonsensical equations for an hour. An _hour_ ," he says, and I have to agree.

"The green witch of Oz? How mind-numbingly creative," I muse, and Pete laughs a little.

"Of _course_ Felix. I always call her that though. It's either that or the female wrinkly grinch with a cactus shoved up her backside but Christmas has passed so."

I can always count on him to make me two seconds away from laughing my ass off. I refrain from doing this though, because even if Mrs. Green's back is turned as she scrawls illegible equations on the dry erase board at the speed of light, she still has eyes at the back of her head.

Feeling a little bit distracted once more, because I, for some reason, can't concentrate on anything with Changbin seated just two seats away from Pete and I, and also because of the fact that I feel like I'm being watched, I turn around a little, only for Changbin to catch me staring at him. Or for me to catch _him_ staring at _me_. Same difference, I presume.

Over the course of our three _splendid_ years together, I haven't paid much thought to him, mostly because of our stark and different social circles, and because of the fact that I was wary of encountering him or talking to him because of the reputation he'd garnered up over the course of the last two years. Even though we both were a part of the few Asian students that walked through the halls of Ravenwood High, I wasn't that eager to lend him a friendly hand, mostly because I feared he'd grab it and crush it, and _probably_ feed it to many sharks (that he probably has as pets in some huge shark tank at his mansion of a house) just to be on the safe side of things.

We're _still_ staring at each other, and by now Changbin's eyes have narrowed, glowering at me with this what-the-hell-are-you-looking-at look, and to be honest, I don't know why I'm looking at him either. To be fair though, he _is_ the one who started watching me first.

And with the way his eyes are narrowed, arms folded across his chest and lips a bit on the pouty side like a little kid that didn't get the candy he was promised, the only tangible thought that forms in my head at that moment is _cute_.

It's insane to think that, really, but then again, my mind conjures up insane things all the time, so maybe that's why it has somehow convinced my lips to lift up at the corners, forming a not-so-subtle smile; that signature Felix Lee Smile that many people like, which is directed at none other than Changbin himself.

And with the way the iciness embedded in Changbin's eyes falters just in the slightest bit, he's just as surprised with this action as I am.

Pete nudges me at that second, and I break the eye-contact between Changbin and I, acutely aware of how crazy I must seem to Changbin, and possibly anyone who'd just witnessed the exchange that took place now.

Pete looks at me like I've just grown two heads and a tail just grew out of my ass. "Dude, what was _that_?"

I decide to play dumb. "What was what?"

"That smile you gave to to Seo right now?" Pete says, whisper-yelling. "What was that?"

"I dunno," I casually play it off, even though my heart's beating a little quicker now, _especially_ since I can still feel Changbin's hard gaze burning through the back of my head.

"Felix, I know you like being friends with everyone, but Changbin is a not-safe zone, okay. He's like a red light, a danger sign, emphasis on the _red_ and _danger_."

"Okay?"

"No, it is not just 'okay'. It is a matter of life and death and the planets and stars and everything inbetween remaining aligned and functioning properly, Felix," Pete tells me with a serious tone of voice, which contrasts with all the weirdness that has just left his lips. He points his blue pen at me, "Kapeesh?"

A moment of silence, and an, "Are you okay?"

"I'm just worried about you Felix. Changbin gives off major psycho vibes and I don't want you to be his next victim." He whispers before resuming to his notes, "I bet he probably feeds on children's souls for lunch and dinner. Breakfast's too good and pure for him."

I can only laugh, shaking my head at my dramatic friend's words and all the while not being able to shake off Changbin's infrequent stares throughout the remainder of the Green Witch of Oz's math class.

***

 

"Listen up class!" Miss Jones, our red and curly haired, green-eyed and over-enthusiastic drama teacher calls over the excited and buzzing set of students seated around each other to form what she likes to call 'Ravenwood's inner circle'. Her voice is high and airy, breaking through the chatter and jittery atmosphere that has surrounded the class. "I'm pretty sure you all had a wonderful, wonderful summer, and are now excited to start off this senior year with a bang, right?"

 

The class lets out hums of either agreement or disagreement, some people laughing and some people paying attention to her while her voice echoes through the school's large auditorium.

 

I can't help but join in with the excited half of the students, looking forward to attending this class for the whole of today. I'm seated next to Pete, and two of my other friends who (unfortunately) got put in another homeroom class from mine and Pete's, Anna Jacob and Seungmin Kim.

  
Miss Jones clasps her hands together. "I'm glad a majority of you agree with me. Also, I'm seeing a few new faces, which is also splendid because, of course, drama classes are always great."

"I just didn't want to take French as an extra!" A boy with several piercings from Band yells, and a series of laughter erupts from us. Even Miss Jones is laughing too. _No one_ wants to sign up for French, which is another class that Mrs. Green teaches.

"I'm still glad you decided to join, Matt. I'm sure we could use those guitar skills of yours _somewhere_ in this class this year," Miss Jones replies, getting even more amused laughter. This is why I'm always glad to be in her classes, because, along with her positivity and jokes, she never fails to lighten the atmosphere. In her class, no one really cares about where you stand socially, or judge you because of what brand of clothes you wear or what music you listen to. In here, everything is safe and sound.

Or, _was_ safe and sound, because as Miss Jones starts going through the class's before-the-class-officially-starts ritual, which is comprised of a chosen student choosing a song to sing or an intrument to play, or even performing a scene from a play, the door to the auditorium opens and someone new steps in.

Seungmin, as observant as ever, pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose and remarks in a _too_ -steady voice, "Oh look, Changbin's here."

If this was a movie some spotlight would've landed right upon a frowning Changbin just as the chatter from the other students die down and the room becomes comically silent. I can even hear some gasps.

Even I am holding in my breath, eyes simultaneously glued on Changbin's tiny form.

"I was told the drama classes are held here." Changbin doesn't look the least bit fazed even with everyone's eyes on him.

Miss Jones pauses a bit, before she clears her throat and a bright smile that rivals her light green eyes makes it way onto her face. "Of course! I'm guessing you just applied?"

Changbin gives a quarter of a nod, but Miss Jones' smile doesn't dampen in the slightest.

"Awesome! Well, come on in! You can take a seat by Yuri over there."

Yuri, all bangs and obnoxiously bright dyed red hair doesn't look too enthusiastic with this arrangement, but nods nonetheless.

With Changbin inside, the class has gotten a little more silent, a little more tense. I can't even pay much attention to Miss Jones because my eyes keep darting Changbin's way every few seconds, which gets annoying. I still remember me smiling at him earlier, and internally cringe. What was I thinking?

"Changbin's _actually_ in drama class," Anna speaks, biting her lip. Her British accent's as strong as ever, which always manages to make whatever she says sound smart and sophisticated. She just laughs whenever I tell her this. "This is impeccably strange."

"Hell must've frozen over," Pete says, "Satan has become Jesus."

"Pete, shut up," Seungmin says, rolling his eyes. Pete replies by giving him a rather friendly display of his middle finger.

I laugh loudly, which catches a couple people's attention. I mutter sorrys to them, but they don't look particularly bothered by this. And even if they were, I really didn't care because I was having too much fun hearing, _and_ enjoying, Pete's and Seungmin's bickering.

And once again, like Changbin is some type of magnet, my eyes flicker over to him, and that _just_ _so_ happens to be the time Changbin looks up and meets my gaze too. His eyes harden immediately, and instead of his expression scaring me like it usually does, I find myself not looking away and hold his gaze. I absolutely have no idea what I'm doing, but I stubbornly keep my eyes on him. And with the way he keeps looking at me, his closed-off expression unchanging, I'm guessing he's as unwilling as I am to break this staring contest.

Seungmin's and Pete's banter, which has somehow evolved into which cereal's the best ("It's Fruit Loops, ya idiot!" "No, you swine peasant, Honey Nut Cheerios is the real deal!"), catches me off-guard, and I look away and break out into more laughter. I look up though once more to see if Changbin's still watching, and try not to feel so let down when he isn't.

A table's been place in the center of the circle, Jisung Han taking his place on top with his guitar and giving us his shortened version of _Amnesia_ by 5sos. The quietness that had taken over the class due to Changbin's sudden appearence turns more cheerful by the time Jisung is done, and I'm one of the many people that claps for him. It's no secret that Jisung can sing _and_ act.

I look over at Changbin to see his reaction to Jisung's song, and I'm not that surprised to see that the same disinterested expression he had on when he first came here is still as prevalent as ever.

"That was wonderful, Jisung," Miss Jones calls out.

"Thank you," replies Jisung as he sits down next to another male. Jisung is seated not so far away from me, so I reach over and give him a high-five and a grin. He returns both, beaming.

I'm still grinning as Miss Jones continues on with the class, and _try_ not to get distracted by Changbin's stares as the class progresses. With the way things are going, I'm fearful that Changbin _is_ planning on capturing me and feeding me to his sharks alive. This is what I get for listening to Pete so much.

***

 

"Today's Monday. And you know what Monday means?" Pete asks when him and I exit school later that afternoon.

 

"What?" I ask him, running a hand through my sandy blond hair. It's getting rather long at the tips and the roots are beginning to show, so I briefly think about what other colour I can dye my hair with before Pete answers.

 

"Monday means crashing into Martha's and getting a _sweet_ half off on her cheese burgers," he tells me, and I chuckle while rolling my eyes. "You also have your car, right? I need a ride home."

 

"Yep. Yours still at the mechanic?" I reply, giving him a glance. His freckled nose scrunches up.

 

"'Course Felix. That's what I get for getting my older brother's old ford for my birthday. But then again, it's my parents' fault. The whole car's as shady and as badly-done as Miss Tanner's new boob job."

 

I snicker. "Jesus, Pete."

 

"What? It's true. Anyway -- " Pete suddenly pauses mid-way, almost bumping into a couple students that were heading the same direction we were. His eyebrows furrow as he rubs his forehead. " _Shit_."

 

"Shit what?"

  
"I forgot my history textbook in my locker."

"So?"

"I have history homework due tomorrow. I gotta go back and get the book." Pete lets out a loud, elongated groan. "Know what, I'll meet up with you at Martha's. You can drive me home from there."

"Sure," I say, and Pete groans some more before turning around and going back inside the school.

I hum, feeling my jeans for the keys to my _pretty_ decent Mercedes as I continue to walk, only to spot none other than _Changbin-freaking-Seo_ walking towards where _I'm_ heading, which is to the parked cars that line the parking spot nearest to Ravenwood High.

I stop humming immediately, almost tripping on my own two feet like a complete dumbass. My shoulders tense just as Changbin walks past me, completely ignoring my presence, and my hands subconsciously fist together.

 _Get your shit together_ , _Felix_ , I tell myself, heading closer to my car, _and_ , because my life is one huge cliché, Changbin's car is parked _right next_ to mine.

"Uhm, hi," I stutter, just as Changbin continues to ignore me as he unlocks his car, which is just as dark as him. Just an observation.

"...Hey," I try again, and I don't know why I'm even trying at this point, seeing Changbin so hell-bent on pretending I don't exist. "...Changbin? I'm talking to you -- "

Changbin looks up then, which totally shuts me up because of my oh-my-god-he's-probably-going-to-kill-me-now stare. His glare is enough to legit vaporize someone.

"What do you want?" He snaps, and I wince at his tone. Now that he's said it out loud I realize that I have no reason whatsoever on why I suddenly decided to talk to him this sunny Autumn afternoon.

"Well," I nervously smile, another annoying habit of mine, "uhm, how are you doing toda -- "

"None of your fucking business."

I blink, taken aback and offended, and before I can stop myself I reply, "So, what, I can't ask how you are now without getting snapped at? I'm just trying to be nice?"

The air around us seems to grow colder, and Changbin's eyes narrow even further. Okay, no matter how pissed I feel right now, I still feel like digging a giant hole for myself and falling into it.

For a few seconds, no one says anything. But then, Changbin replies with a, "Get out of my face, Felix", enters his black car and drives off, just like that.

I'm bewildered, still ticked off at his horrible attitude and how he ended our already struggling conversation, but despite that, I keep thinking about the way his hair falls into his eyes, how smooth and low his voice sounds when he speaks, and the fact that he actually _knows_ my name. It's all unfair, dammit.


	2. step 2: be nice (felix)

**COINCIDENTALLY, BUT NOT** that surprisingly,Pete and I see Seungmin and Anna at _Martha's_ , and immediately conversation between us picks up and we chat about nothing and everything at once while stuffing our faces with greasy junk food that's probably not good for us, but that's what makes it so great anyways. And also because it's _delicious_.

It's a good at distracting me, at least for a while, but when we all part and Pete leaves with me to my car, I start thinking about Changbin and I's encounter at that parking area. It bothers me more than I'd like to admit, mostly because, yeah, Changbin isn't obligated to be nice to me, doesn't _have_ to _like_ me either, yet I keep thinking over our 'conversation' and hating how dismissive and rude he was being about everything.

"Dude, you good?" Pete asks me as soon as we enter the car, him on the passenger side and me in front of the wheel.

"Yeah," I absentmindedly reply, voice sounding far away. I'm sure Pete picks up on my distracted tone, but he doesn't push it by asking me exactly what's up with me right now. I look at him. "Do you have the fish and chips for Olivia?"

"Of couse. Why would I miss giving your _precious ball of sunshine_ of a sister her rightly deserved kiddy meal?" Pete answers, and I snort in response, turning the ignition. It's no secret that my little sister, being ten, is more bratty and temperamental than anything else, and even though she can be a pain in a butt many, _many_ times, she's still my little sister.

It doesn't take long for us to pick up my sister from her elementary school, and when she enters, smelling like a strawberry and cotton candy did the dirty and had a baby, she basically squeals at the sight of the food in Pete's hands and grabs the container it's in.

"Well, you're welcome Liv," I say. "This totally did _not_ eat up my wallet."

"You're the bestest big brother in the whole world Felix! Thanks!" She says.

" _And_ thank Pete too for being a good friend and reminding Felix to buy the food for you," Pete tells Olivia, grinning at her. I can only roll my eyes -- because Pete definitely did _not_ remind me of anything -- unable to wipe off the smile on my face.

"Okay," Olivia replies and bites into one of her fries, returning Pete's wide grin, "Thank you too _Peter_ \-- "

"Pete -- "

"I like Peter better," Liv says in a firm tone and I laugh even more at Pete's exasperated expression.

His smile tightens as his hand ruffles Liv's long brown hair, "Well aren't you an absolute darling."

Olivia eats more fries, jutting out her chin like an unimpressed soccer mom. "So I've been told. And don't touch my hair. It takes me at least an hour to get it perfectly straight and neat, unlike yours."

Pete's eyes narrow, his lips set. I know he always hates it whenever someone talks badly about his hair. "Okay listen now, _Olivia_ \-- "

"Oh look," I suddenly cut in, interrupting whatever war was about to take place between my little sister and my close friend, "Pete, would you look at that, we're in front of your house."

"Thanks man," Pete tells me, shooting Liv one last glare before grabbing his bag and exiting the car. When he leaves, there's silence for a while, and then Olivia and I burst out laughing.

"You should really stop being a brat to Peter -- I mean Pete," I chuckle.

"I like seeing him so riled up. It's _fun_. Anyway," she crawls up to the passenger seat and meets my gaze. "Onward, my trusty steed!"

I shake my head, partaking in her teasing so that my mind would stop going back to Changbin and his angry stares and dark eyes. "At your service, I guess."

***

  
Okay, I have no idea what suddenly comes over me, but during the next few days, I try to get Changbin's attention. It's crazy, and even _I_ don't know why I'm doing this, but that doesn't stop me from trying to catch Changbin's eye whenever we pass each other in the halls, whenever we have classes together, and even when I go to my parking spot I double check to see if Changbin's there, _even_ with Pete or my other friends around.

And whenever Changbin catches my eyes and returns it with one of his signature glares, I feel sort of accomplished, because at least then he's aware of what I'm doing and I've gotten _his_ attention.

This staring contest of some sort continues well until Wednesday, but when Thursday comes and I meet up with Pete at his locker (since our lockers are near each other) he takes out his first books and just stares at me with those inquisitive blue eyes of his.

"...What?" I draw out, a bit freaked out with Pete's blank stare, because though it looks blank, I can almost see the gears of curiosity turning at the back of his eyes.

He stares at me for some more, before eventually remarking, "...Felix, you're being weird. What's up?"

"How the heck am I being weird?" I ask, returning his question with another question to at least push him off-track a little. But then again, whenever Pete's convinced of something, it's hard to get him to change his mind about it.

"I can't exactly put my finger on it, but..."

I can't hear what else Pete continues to say, because it's then that a few students rush into the school's halls in order not to be late for the first bell, and following after them in a slower stride, is Changbin.

Just like his previous attire for the last few days, he's wearing nothing but black, fitting the exact stereotype of emo with how dark he seems. But unlike other emos I've seen, Changbin's the only one I'm remotely interested in.

As usual, I keep staring at him, hoping for him to at least look up and acknowledge my smile with one of his sneers or scowls or something like he's done the three days before this, but he just passes me by without a second glance. I feel offended.

"Felix, why the fickity fuckity fucktart are you staring at Changbin for?" Pete suddenly asks, nudging my arm. "Do you like, have a death wish or something?"

It's only then that I look at him, seeing his wide eyes. "Please don't ever say those words again."

"Whatever Felix," Pete waves me off. " _But,_ whatever you're thinking of doing with Changbin, you should probably not do it because..."

"Because what?"

"Because he's probably gonna kill you. I have tech with him and when my flashdrive fell next to his chair yesterday, I asked if he could pick it up for me and I _swear_ he was planning my murder right there and then," Pete answers, shivering in his blue hoodie. "The guy just gives me the creeps."

"You shouldn't say that. I bet he isn't that bad," I reply, well aware that whatever I say next could determine whether or not World War Pete becomes unleashed. "I dunno, I think he's really nice underneath that cold, hard, bitter exterior..."

Pete gives out a sarcastic laugh, and I heave a sigh of relief at the fact that he didn't react as badly as I thought he would have. " _Sure_."

I know Pete doesn't believe what I said, and probably the rest of my friends won't too (because let's face it, Changbin _is_ scarily intimidating as heck), but I kinda think that underneath he _is_ a pretty nice guy, if you look past all the glares he gives everyone.

And I might just be the one who gets him to crack.

***

  
Thursday continues on slowly. So slowly, in fact, that I doodle nonsensical drawings at the back of my history book in study hall as the hour ticks by. I'm seating at a table with Pete, Jisung and a black male called Nathan that I don't remember meeting before, _ever_ , and Pete and Jisung leave to go to the library and get some books for whatever literature assignment they have, I take the bold move of leaving my table and taking a seat in front of, you guessed it, Changbin.

It takes me little time to look for him, because one; I was already aware of his presence the minute I stepped into study hall, and two; _I was already aware of his presence the minute I stepped into study hall_. It kind of worries me how much I notice him recently, because I never paid him much attention or looked his way during our past years together. But looking at it now, I guess I wasn't as eager then to know him because I was highly intimidated by him. Now, his stand-offish demeanor only intrigues me.

The only acknowledgement Changbin gives me at my presence is furrowed eyebrows. Other than that, his expression screams passive.

"Hi," I grin, placing my books on the rounded table. "You good?"

Changbin's eyebrows come together even more, eyes still focused on this small book he's reading. With the way he's so obviously avoiding my eyes, I have to fight off a smile. "Go away."

I'm almost surprised that he answers me back, and I try to test my luck. "Well, I really like this side of the room. It's quiet without being too secluded, and it's the perfect spot for reading, don't you think?"

Changbin doesn't answer, and for a couple minutes I don't say anything too. Sometimes, I watch him to see if I can catch him staring at me or something, but he keeps his eyes firmly planted on whatever book he's reading.

"Hey," I say at one point, and I don't fail to notice how he slightly stiffens up at my voice. "Not to be annoying, but do you think you can help me with -- "

"Not gonna happen."

The fact that Changbin answers me encourages me to keep on talking, though.

"It's for math, Mrs. Green's being a hag and gave us a couple exercises to do. And by a couple, I mean a lot, but I'm sure you already knew this though," I ramble. "Anyways, care to help?"

"No."

"Why? I could really use some help."

" _Felix_ ," Changbin finally looks up from his book, his dark eyes meeting mine. I shoot him a smile that's a little nervous, and he lets out a rather bitter scoff before continuing, "Stop asking me to help you with your dumb shit when you're perfectly capable of doing it yourself. Just stop talking to me, period."

"I'm just trying to be nice," I tell him, actually meaning what I say. It's in my blood to be nice to others, thriving in positive environments and trying to make everyone feel better about themselves. That's just who I am. "And, I really need the help for math."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do."

"You don't."

"I don't?"

Changbin sighs, and I chuckle, even when he glares at me. By now, I've been at the receiving end of his glares so much that they don't affect me as much anymore.

"Math isn't hard for you," Changbin replies, and I pause because he's actually right, before realizing something.

"Wait -- how did you know I'm good at math?" I ask, not caring anymore that he'd seen right through my attempt to try and get him to be more open to me. I immediately figure that Changbin would've only known I wasn't half bad at math if he paid more attention to me than he let on.

Changbin's eyes falter in that way they do when he's caught off-guard by something, before his gaze hardens again. The whole thing took less than a second, but I caught it. He stares at his book again and says in a less than amused tone, "Might wanna go meet your friends over there."

"What if I wanna spend more time with you?"

"Not my problem."

I chuckle a bit, taking my books and standing up because, as Changbin said, Pete and Jisung are stood at the distance, talking to themselves. "See you later, Changbin."

As I leave, my lips break out into a smile because I can feel Changbin's gaze on my back, and I wonder if I've actually gone crazy.

***

 

Coach Xu, with her weathered face, narrowed eyes and tall stature barks orders to us that unbearably hot Friday afternoon in the gymnasium during Phys. Ed, and I swear, I have _never_ hated excercising as I do at this moment, and I consider myself to be a very sporty person. Despite all this, I still manage to keep up with the laps around the court that we have to run, noticing that Changbin is also keeping up while Pete is doing...not so good.

 

"I ... hate ... her," Pete tells me, slowing down a bit to catch his breath. 

  
"Stevenson, better hurry up or you'll be serving ten more laps outside on the field!" The coach shouts.

"Oh my god, have I told you how much I hate her? Fuckin' _vieux sorcière_ ," Pete says, and I snort at his french, telling him to at least increase his pace a little so he won't _actually_ have to run ten more laps. You can never know with the coach.

When we're done with the laps, we're seperated into small teams to do more excercises that's supposed to 'strengthen our muscles', or 'make us healthier' or 'help the heart pump blood faster', and for each team, there's an appointed leader that the coach chooses.

Surprisingly, I get chosen as a leader for whatever team I choose, and even _more_ surprisingly (at least to other people) I choose Changbin as one of my teammates.

"Since, you uhm, you seem pretty athletic so..." I ramble like an idiot to him, as if I need a valid reason to put him on my team, to which he just raises an eyebrow at in response, and I'm left feeling even _more_ like an idiot.

Pete puts a hand on my shoulder when my team is completely formed, consisting of him and I, Changbin, a blond girl named Sam, and a boy known as Hyunjin, and whispers, "This is kinda awkward. Even more awkward than your encounter with Marcus last year."

I cringe, remembering the guy. He was one of those asshole jocks that was as dumb as he was goodlooking, asking me during one of the Phys. Ed classes we had together if dog was one of the side dishes I had when I ate, thinking his 'joke' was the funniest thing ever. Yep, he was _that_ guy.

I replied that yes, his golden retriever tasted great, laughing at his bewildered facing before kindly telling him to fuck off. The whole situation was as uncomfortable as it was angering, so I always refrain from thinking about that guy.

"Nah," I reply Pete, before telling everyone some stretching exercises we could do.

Changbin, as I already expected, turns out to be great at all of them, not even breaking a sweat. He's even better at this than I am, which leaves me wondering why Coach Xu didn't choose him to be the leader instead of me. But then again, Changbin is probably the only person whose level of scariness can rival the coach's, _and_ Mrs. Green.

" _Wow_ , you're really good at this," I compliment, grinning at Changbin when most of us have exited the gym for a water break.

Changbin inhales through his nose and out his lips, looking just about done with me before crossing the court to leave the gym.

"You know, a simple 'thanks' would've sufficed," I tell him, raising my hands up in mock surrender when he looks at me, "Just saying."

"Shut up."

"Nah, I don't like shutting up."

" _Clearly_."

"Wanna hang out after school?" I suddenly ask, the thought not coming to my head until I've said it out loud.

Changbin pauses, and I'm suddenly hyper-aware of the short distance between us, the way his bangs frame his eyes, looking both soft and luscious at the same time, and just with the way his lips are set. Now that I think about it, Changbin is ... pretty attractive. This sudden _discovery_ of some sort causes me to rather awkwardly clear my throat as soon as I notice Changbin has been staring at me this whole time, catching my possibly, 100% creepy stare.

"I don't like being stared at," Changbin says.

"Uh, I didn't mean to -- " I start, but Changbin ignores me and starts walking towards the door. "Do you still wanna hang out? Saturday's pretty great, and I'm kinda free for most of it so."

"Fuck off," Changbin casually replies.

"So I'm guessing that's a yes?" I ask, "Right?"

Changbin turns around and just shakes his head and scoffs, but I can see that he's actually humoured. He doesn't outwardly smile, but I can tell that he isn't pissed or glaring at me. He isn't _actually_ rejecting my offer.

As I leave the gym with him to fetch my water bottle, I tell him, "You know, you'll probably have fun with me around. Lots of fun. People call me 'the life of the party'. Not that I party excessively for a living. I only do so in measurable amounts, because you know, underage drinking kinda sucks and -- "

"Felix, shut up."

"Yeah, okay."

I don't know if I'm imagining things now or what, but I swear I heard Changbin chuckle a little to himself when we meet up with the others.


	3. step 3: get ice cream

**BECAUSE FRIDAY WAS** unbearably hot, Saturday morning is filled with cool air that brings about numerous goosebumps on my skin and heavy, dark skies, and I sincerely hope it's not going to rain today as I tell my parents I'm heading out to meet a friend before leaving my house.

They don't say anything, mostly because they're used to me not being able to sit still in the house when it's the weekend, and since Liv is already at her friend's for some time, and Chan -- my older bro who spends much of his time in uni rather than come visit (I'm not salty about it, I promise) -- isn't around either, my parents get to have some quality time together before the week starts once more and they get buried knee-deep in their jobs.

I decide to walk instead of bringing my car with me to meet up with Changbin at this cute little ice cream parlour we'd agreed upon seeing each other that's just shy of the more industrial areas in the city. I hope I don't regret my actions, seeing that I'm only dressed in a pretty nice polo and jeans and didn't even bring along an umbrella.

Nevertheless, the air feels cold yet calming on my skin, and I take the time to admire my surroundings and breathe in some fresh air (however fresh the city air is) since I still have some time to spend before meeting Changbin at that ice cream place. That's because I ended up waking too early, mostly because I couldn't deny I'm actually excited to see him today.

That is, if Changbin _actually_ comes around. With no way of communicating with him to know his whereabouts because I don't have his number, and trust me I asked, and he said no, the previous elatedness I feel dampens and for once my smile has died down. I force myself to remain optimistic though, and tell myself that even if Changbin ends up not showing up, and stands me up as a result, then I'd still have some ice cream to cheer me up.

I chuckle to myself at this, probably looking crazy to the other city-goers that pass me by, but I don't really care, though. Some good, tasty ice cream can solve most problems, and that's a fact that we all have to agree on.

Upon coming across the ice cream parlour, my eyes trace over the familiar pastel blue and pink exterior and the painted jolly looking ice cream that greets everyone that decides to enter to building, and take in a deep breath, wanting, and hoping, that Changbin's in there. We were supposed to meet up at 11:30 AM, but I arrived only about five minutes earlier so I won't look so desperate, I guess.

I finally push open the glass doors to _Icy Goodness_ and enter, eyes searching the whole area for any sign of Changbin. There are many people inside -- especially on weekends since this parlour tends to make bank with its strategic placement close to the main city area, and because the ice cream here is fantastic like I've said a million times already -- but less people actually seat down to occupy themselves with their tasty treat. No one seems to care that it's probably too cold to be eating ice cream right now, and that can be said for me too.

For a second there, I actually believe that Changbin _did_ stand me up, and I'm fighting back the after-effects of the disappointment I feel at this when I see him at one of the tables at the corner, drumming his fingers on the table and looking as out of place and as uncomfortable as one can feel surrounded by so much activity. Suddenly, before I can stop myself, a smile grows on my face and I waste no time in taking the seat before him.

"You came," I say, startling him a bit with my sudden appearance, and it makes me giggle a bit. "Earlier than I thought too. I thought you bailed."

Changbin purses his lips. "I just don't like being late."

"What about what happened with Mrs. Green on Monday, then," I tease, expecting a frown from him at this or no reply at all, but he just shakes his head.

"That was a one time thing."

I'm surprised he gave me an answer, and at his words, I realize that he's actually right. I've never seen him actually come late to _any_ class, excluding what happened on Monday. I clear my throat, before remarking, "Well, I'm glad you came. What would you like to get then? It's on me."

At this, Changbin fixes me with some kind of unreadable stare that makes me a bit nervous, before shaking his head once again. "No. I'm paying for my own ice cream."

"But," I start, trying not to sound like some whiny toddler, "I'm the one who suggested this meet up in the first place, so _I_ should be the one who pays."

"No can do, Felix."

"Just let me pay," I stubbornly reply, really, _really_ wanting to pay for whatever ice cream he's willing to get. "I'm used to paying for my friends' ice cream anyways whenever we come to this place, so let me do it this once, okay?"

"We're not friends," Changbin wastes no time in replying.

" _Well_ , we can always start now," I give him a sickly-sweet smile, bending my elbows and resting my head on my palms to look at him, which he scoffs at in response. His scoff doesn't sound bitter for once though, but more on the disbelief side.

"You're crazy," Changbin tells me, but his tone holds resignment, and my smile brightens since I've won. Just seeing him here, in all his black hoodie, overgrown bangs, dark eyes and pouty-lip glory (he pouts a lot, I've noticed), is enough to make me more enthusiastic than ever. "You're like, _insane_."

"I get that a lot," I answer and wink at him. He looks away. "Anyway, you can always pay the next time so."

He picks up the menu positioned in the middle of us, and I watch as his eyes flit over the words on it in silence, that is, until I can't take the silence anymore.

" _So_... first time being here?" I try to make small talk, and by the way Changbin pauses, I feel like I've done something wrong by trying to initiate small-talk between us. So, as I end up doing in any awkward situation, I ramble on and on mindlessly. " _Or_ , you've been here before. You didn't ask for directions when I first told you about this place, _obviously_. That was a dumb question."

Changbin chuckles, eyes creasing at the corners in the tiniest bit and catching me by surprise, before he nonchalantly shrugs. "Yeah, I've came here before..."

"So you must be familiar with the menu by now, right?" I ask, before internally face-palming myself. " _Of course_ you are, gosh I'm being so dumb today."

Changbin smirks, then bites his lip, looking amused. "Yep, I know the menu."

"Then why are you reading it over?"

He looks at me, eyes glinting with a bit of mischief in them. "I'm searching for the most expensive orders, duh."

I hold up my hand, about to speak when Changbin cuts me off.

"' _I'm used to paying for my friends' ice cream anyways whenever we come to this place, so let me do it this once, okay?_ '" Changbin replies, doing the worst ever impression of my voice, _ever_.

"I do _not_ sound like that!" I exclaim, laughing at his over-exaggerated 'deep' voice and his purposeful butchering of my Australian accent. " _And_ I never said anything about buying the whole menu."

"Watch what you say next time, then," Changbin tells me, lips lifting up at the corners a bit. That's the thing with him, I've noticed, he always does everything in subtlety. Never moderate or grand gestures. Even with that, I feel like I'm doing something good by getting him to smile, even if he's just being humoured by my suffering.

"Okay okay," I give him a dismissive nod, "order whatever the heck you want, then."

Maybe I _should_ watch what I say, because as I watch Changbin gobble down _one_ of his chocolate and strawberry ice cream sundaes, _with_ double scoops and the extra sprinkles and cherries on top, complete with a large smoothie _and_ extra dessert cakes _and_ a couple doughnuts, I gulp, looking up at him with round eyes, feeling helpless with all the cash that has gone down the drain with Changbin's order and say in a rather weak voice,

"Hope you aren't lactose intolerant..."

Changbin just laughs at my disheartened expression. _And_ , even though I'm too busy planning the funeral of my wallet, I still have to appreciate how bright his laughter sounds in my ears, contrasting with his quiet and icy demeanor.

"You should laugh more," I compliment like a doofus, thinking out loud again, "It sounds nice."

At this, Changbin's laughter dies down, and I frown, hating that I caused him to close himself off to  me again. I watch as he continues to eat, and then say, "Could you, uhm, let me have some of -- "

"Order your own, Felix," he replies me, and if we'd just met, I would have thought he was being inexplicably rude, but now, I can't catch any malice in his tone. He isn't serious, I realize.

I shake my head. "You're kidding."

"No I'm not. Get your own damn ice cream."

"Nah, you'll let me have some of yours."

He looks at me and I smile at him, and he just narrows his eyes and does that pouting thing he does with his lips once again, looking all cute and child-like. And hell, I like this side of Changbin. A lot. "...And why is that?"

"Because, I don't know, I feel like you secretly hate me less than you let on," I let out in a sing-songey tone of voice, and he just rolls his eyes when I wink at him again.

He shoves more spoonfuls of his sundae into his mouth as he remarks, "Stop winking."

I wink again. "You never denied it." I then let out an exaggerated gasp. "You _like_ me, Changbin."

Changbin rolls his eyes again when I wink once more. "In your dreams Felix."

Because he says this, I make a show of winking over and over again. Changbin raises a brow and for the second time today, he laughs. It's for a much shorter duration though, because before I know it, he stops and clears his throat, looking back down at his sundae.

"You look like a mal-functioning robot," he says like he's explaining his reason for laughing, and I, _totally_ awed by his bright and pretty laughter, am _so_ down to do something so I can get to hear him laugh and see him smile again.

So I, Felix Lee, a totally normal human being (I swear), do the robot dance (with the bending elbows and all) and state with a robotic voice over and over again, "Felix.exe has stopped working. Felix.exe has stopped working."

"Oh my god, stop," Changbin looks totally embarrassed, eyes darting around the place to see if anyone else is witnessing this atrocity that I call my dance skills, but at least he's failing at hiding his laughter. His eyes are crinkling, nose scrunched up and smile wide and I swear it's the _cutest_ thing I've ever seen.

"I'll kill you if you don't stop," Changbin threatens, but they fall on deaf ears. He pushes a plate of doughnuts towards me and orders me to eat it and shut up. And, that's all it takes to get me to stop, really.

"You're an idiot," Changbin says, still smiling, and I shrug, feeling all too satisfied with the lightened atmosphere.

"An idiot _with_ exceptionally sick dance moves," I answer, "don't forget that."

Changbin fixes me with one of his inscrutable gazes, and I raise my eyebrows at him, taking a bite out of my jam-filled doughnut.

"What?" I ask, curious as to why he's staring at me like that.

He shakes his head. "Nothing."

"Oh, _now_ you've got to tell me what's up. Did I do something?"

"It's _nothing_ , Felix."

His tone makes me shut up, because with all the progress we've made today I don't want to be the one who messes things up again. "...Okay."

Changbin passes a napkin to me. "You've got jam on the side of your lips."

"Where?" I make a show of putting the napkin on several parts of my face, ignoring the fact that he said the jam was located beside my lips. I do this purposefully, though.

"You idiot," Changbin sighs, grabbing the napkin from me and doing the job of dabbing away the jam himself. Rather softly, might I add. I don't know why I'm being like this, but I sure as hell like how soft Changbin's touch feels on my skin.

He quickly pulls away afterwards. "Do you also let your friends clean up your messes?"

"Nah. But thanks for the help." I jokingly add, "No homo, though."

Changbin shakes his head and chuckles. "I suddenly don't know what to do with you anymore."

I turn around then whan I make out the distant pitter-pattering of rain beating outside, and I groan a little bit. Sure, I like rain, but not when I'm outside the house and have no means of covering myself up from the cold it brings.

Changbin catches on to my crestfallen expression. "Not a fan of rain?"

"Not really." I bit my lip. Looking at him I see he's almost done with his large order. I resist the urge to smile at this, because despite Changbin's height, he sure can eat a lot. "Say, you brought your car with you today, right?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I hitch a ride?"

Expecting Changbin to somehow refuse my request, I stare at him with hopeful eyes and dramatically bat my eyelashes.

"Whatever. Just don't do, whatever it was you were doing just now, and don't annoy me, else I'll leave you on the side of the road," Changbin replies, finishing up his meal.

"Sounds like a sweet deal."

***

 

Luckily, Changbin's car isn't parked too far off from _Icy Goodness_ , but the rain decides on being a bigger bitch at the last second and becomes heavier the second we leave the ice cream parlour, almost drenching the both of us if we hadn't ran fast enough to the car.

  
Changbin's car smells of mint freshener and leather when we both enter, and although I feel bad for the leather since we're both slightly wet, that doesn't stop me from letting out a laugh at the situation Changbin and I found ourselves in a couple minutes ago.

Changbin incredulously stares at me and I look back at him, shrugging. "That was fun. I mean, running in the rain."

Changbin places a hand on the wheel and nods. "Kinda. Yeah, I guess."

"Come on. It was really fun."

"Okay, it was." I laugh even more when Changbin smiles.

I look around his car as he puts on his seatbelt and turns on the ignition, admiring the comfortable, polished interior and dark leather seats.

"Put on your seatbelt." Changbin's voice draws me back to reality, and I smirk, raising my brows at him teasingly.

"And what if I don't want to? What're you gonna do about it, huh?"

"Just put on your seatbelt, Felix," the hard undertone within Changbin's voice leaves no room for discussion, and I raise my hands in mock surrender to try and diffuse the tense atmosphere surrounding us.

"Okay okay, putting on my seatbelt." When that's done I stare out the window as Changbin starts to drive. "Just go down the street on your left, I'll tell you when we're close."

Changbin hums, but says nothing else. But, I _want_ him to say something. I _want_ that previous light-hearted atmosphere that surrounded us at Icy Goodness to be there again. I don't like seeing him so quiet, but I also don't know what to say to break the silence.

It's when I tell him to stop in front of the building that is my house that I unclip my seatbelt and stare at Changbin.

"Well..." he starts, "Get out of my car."

"Okay, before I do that," I raise up a finger in opposition, bringing about a sigh from him.

"What is it, Felix?"

"Okay. We met today at _Icy Goodness_ and had a good time. I _also_ paid for your large order, which was _very_ expensive, might I add. _And_ , I also made you laugh, and now, you drove me home out of the goodness of your heart."

"Because you begged me -- "

" _Nope_ ," I interrupt him, "You did it because you didn't want me to walk home in the rain, because you _care_ about me."

"I don't get your point -- "

"I was _getting_ there -- "

"You should really stop interrupting me -- "

"You just interrupted me too," I reply, before continuing. "As I was _saying_ , with _all_ that happened today, I might just think we're friends now."

"No we aren't."

"Fuck yeah, we are."

Changbin's jaw clenches, avoiding looking at my eyes intentionally. "Get out of my car, Felix."

I laugh, opening the car door. "Okay, okay, on it." When I step out, I smile and wave at him since the windows are rolled down. "See you later Changbin. Thanks for the ride."

Changbin lets out the smallest of smiles and says, "Yeah, okay. Goodbye."

When he drives off, I feel pretty good about how the day turned out. And I didn't even end up getting any ice cream, and _that's_ saying something.


	4. netflix 'n chill (felix)

**WHEN A NEW** week starts off, I see no trace of Changbin. _For three days_. And it bothers me a lot, making me wonder all through a majority of my classes what might have happened to him and if he's alright, instead of paying attention to whatever my teachers say like a good student, but frankly, I don't find it in me to care that much.

Those three days pass by very slowly, and I spend most of them inbetween burying myself within school related work and hanging out whenever I can with Pete and the rest of my other friends. I'm pretty sure they all can tell something's up with me by the time it's Wednesday, because although I'm not that bad at acting like I'm okay, I find myself becoming absent-minded and spacing out a lot, _even_ in drama class (my favourite class), and that's saying something. Whenever they ask me what's up though, I tell them it's nothing since I'm not so sure how they'd react if I told them the exact reason I'm so distracted lately, which is because of Changbin's unexpected disappearance.

By the time Thursday arrives, I fear that Changbin might probably be dead or might've travelled to some remote country and started a new life there, and end up almost crying out for joy when I spot none other than Changbin _himself_ by his locker, casually pulling out a couple books from it as if he wasn't the one responsible for my almost-breakdown during the past three days.

Forgetting for a brief moment that both Pete and Seungmin are with me right now, I move my feet to where Changbin is positioned, never knowing I'd miss Changbin and his black hoodies and his glares this much. I swear, the guy's starting to grow on me.

Changbin looks surprised to see me, and quickly darts his eyes away from my face, using his bangs as some method to shield his own face as he lets out in a rather strained voice, "What are you doing here?"

"Our lockers are pretty close to each other. Just thought I'd say hi," I tell him, doing that cool leaning-sideways-on-a-locker thing jocks did in movies in front of the girl cheerleader they're interested in. Not that I'm interested in Changbin, and he's not even a cheerleader. Or a girl.

"Uhm... _what_?" Changbin says, and then I feel like face-palming myself because I had just spoken out loud.

"N-Nothing," I stutter and clear my throat, looking back to see the rather shocked expressions gracing Pete's and Seungmin's faces. I just shrug in response and turn around, folding my arms and smilng at the shorter boy in front of me. " _So_ , how was your morning? Did you sleep well?"

Changbin looks taken aback, but then frowns and eventually shrugs. "Yeah? I guess." His gaze falls behind me, before directly meeting my eyes. "You should probably go meet your friends. They look like they have a _lot_ to talk to you about."

I can hear the sacarsm coating Changbin's tongue, and I wave my hands dismissively, not really caring about the shit-storm I'm going to face later because of talking to Changbin right now. It's already a weird sight, I presume; the preppy kid who has many friends and who's happy all the time, talking to that one guy in movies grandmas told their grandkids to stay away from, like good friends. But as I said before, I really don't care.

"Yeah well, I can always talk to them later. We still have time."

"The first bell rings in less than three minutes," Changbin states with a hint of amusement in his tone, which grows when he sees how my face falls.

I shake my head. "Doesn't matter. Anyway, why weren't you at school yesterday?"

Changbin blinks, taken by surprise. "What?" He asks even though I'm definitely sure he heard my question.

"You weren't at school," I repeat. "For like, three days. Did something happen? I don't mean to be nosey or annoying, I'm just worried."

For the nth time today, Changbin looks surprised, as if he didn't expect me to say what I just said.

"So?" I ask, continuing, "Are you okay?"

For a second there, I feel like he's actually going to tell me what's up. Scratch that, I can tell he's super close to at least telling me why he was absent for a whole three days, but then I see him visibly tense up, and the soft, slightly inquisitive gaze he'd fixed me with hardens and he looks down. It's then that I realize that Pete is standing next to me with Seungmin not too far behind.

Pete grins at Changbin, just starting to say hello to him when Changbin quickly leaves. "Wow, _rude_."

"It's your fault you scared him away," I say. I'm a bit disappointed but laugh along with Seungmin at Pete's baffled and mildly offended expression.

"But what did I _do_?" Pete says.

"Changbin's probably allergic to utter shit. That's why he bolted the heck out of here when he saw your face," Seungmin jokes, earning him a slap on the back from Pete himself. As they argue once more, I, for once don't listen to them and instead stare at Changbin's retreating back and wonder when else I'm going to meet him without anyone distracting us.

***

  
The previous zeal I feel at attending Miss Jones' classes returns back in full force that afternoon, and I'll be lying if I said it had absolutely nothing to do with a certain black haired male that I have the pleasure of getting to know recently.

As per always, before the drama class starts off everyone takes their position in the 'inner circle', and as Changbin enters the auditorium just as two girls are beginning to perform an act from _Grease_ for the class icebreaker, I pat an open space on my right when we lock eyes, and miraculously, Changbin ends up taking it, his expression betraying nothing of what he thinks about my actions.

Pete is staring at me with wide eyes, but luckily doesn't say anything. I can practically _hear_ the many questions forming in his mind about my sudden 'friendship' with Changbin, but I don't think I'd be able to answer any of them if he does ask. I don't even know if Changbin considers me _his_ friend or not.

Anna and Seungmin, though they were a bit startled at Changbin's sudden appearance at first, don't seem to mind, and as the class continues and Miss Jones passes us scripts to the play we'd have to participate in this year which, coincidentally, just so happens to be _The Wizard of Oz_ , Anna and Changbin become somehow engrossed in a bit of a casual conversation. It's not that much of a surprise because Anna's pretty good at making others comfortable, but that doesn't mean I don't feel that little bitter pinch of jealousy at seeing Changbin talking to Anna so... _freely_. I have no reason to feel this way though, since Anna's a good friend of mine and Changbin is just... _Changbin_ , but that doesn't stop me from feeling a bit bothered with how close they're sitting and how Anna smiles at Changbin ever so often. But Anna smiles at everyone!

I'm convinced that I _might_ be going crazy just as Miss Jones starts talking about auditions and lines and lighting and props, and, while that's enough to hold my attention and get me excited, I don't listen to her this time. My eyes are only focused on Changbin, but as I'm about to attract his attention and get him to talk to me, Pete gets in the way and nudges my arm, making me watch him.

"What is it?" I ask, my voice a little on the rougher side, but it's completely unintentional though. I try my hardest not to look in Changbin's, Seungmin's and Anna's direction. Key word: Try.

"You're being _really_ weird," Pete whsipers to me, his brows coming together in the middle.

"How am I being weird?"

"You keep staring at Changbin. I mean, he's sorta hot in that dark, forbidden kind of way, but now you look kinda creepy. I _know_ you wanna be friends with him, and that's... _okay_ , I guess, but then again, I don't think a friend _looks_ at another friend like that." There's this way his blue eyes light up, swirling with something inside them, and I immediately don't like what I see. "Do you maybe... _like_ Changbin? 'Cause you know if that's the case it's cool and -- "

"I don't like Changbin. I mean, I like him but not like _that_ ," I hurriedly explain, almost _too_ quickly, and add a shake of the head for good measure. I don't know how Pete arrives at that conclusion, but I hope by my answer he can at least stop watching me like he knows something about me that I don't.

"Okay. But just so you know," Pete continues, tone sounding like a mother giving their child the 'birds and the bees' talk, "being gay is okay."

"I know it's okay, but drama class is _not_ the place to be discussing sexual orientation in," I scold him, jokingly hitting his shoulder with my copy of the script and hoping to brush this topic underneath the rug for the time being, "So shut up."

"Okay okay, whatever." He raises his hands in mock surrender, but then adds, "Admit it, you think Changbin's hot, right? I mean, I'm straight as fuck but I can say it."

"Again. This is drama class. _Shut the hell up_ ," I tell Pete and he laughs, finally moving on to another subject. I hate the way he seems stuck on thinking that I _may_ be harbouring feelings for Changbin, which isn't true. I'm not a person who usually has frequent crushes on people; I _rarely_ crush on anyone, and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon.

***

 

Finally, it's during study hall that I get to see Changbin without anyone else disrupting us. Pete utters no complaints when he sees me heading to where Changbin's seated but I _am_ well aware of the slight smugness his face carries, and I just flip him the bird in response.

 

Unlike last week, Changbin doesn't look as surprised seeing me sat across from him, but his face still looks as guarded as before. That's the expression he showcases to everyone, as well as this nonchalance that makes him seem as if he can't care less about anything. I realize I don't like it, _especially_ when it's directed at me, and I'd take the smiling Changbin I got to witness on Saturday over this Changbin any day. _That_ Changbin seemed much more _real_ than the one seated across from me.

 

Changbin drops the book he's reading on the table, and he isn't looking at me as he says, "Alright. What do you wanna bother me about this time?"

 

"I don't _bother_ you," I say, faking an offended tone of voice. 

 

Changbin just rolls his eyes and finally looks at me. "What do you want? I have an assignment to finish up."

 

Even with his exasperated tone and the seriousness his voice holds, I find it hard to believe he's actually mad at me or annoyed at me for disrupting his time. I'm pretty decent at reading people so I can definitely tell he doesn't mind me being here. He doesn't hate me either, at least not as much as he says he does.

 

"Earth to Felix?" Changbin's low voice cuts into my daydream, and I blink, hoping I didn't potientially embarrass myself in front of him by staring at nothing for a prolonged period of time. Being this absentminded is a habit I need to break. Fast.

 

Changbin tries to fight off a snicker. "I don't like being stared at."

 

"Uhm, I-I didn't mean to stare -- "

 

"Just tell me what you're really here for," he interrupts, and I can tell he's still entertained by my idiocy. "I really don't have all day."

 

"Oh, yeah." I clear my throat. "This morning, I asked why you weren't at school for three days, and you weren't able to answer that because, well, Pete and Seungmin came and..." I look up, fixing Changbin with a small, but genuine smile. "You okay? I swear, I'm not trying to be annoying or anything, I was just kinda worried."

  
All traces of humour Changbin holds disappear, and he looks away, body language tense again. I wonder if I've done or said something wrong. "I ... I just got a bit sick. Nothing else."

Even though I have a feeling Changbin isn't telling the whole truth, I still nod and give him the benefit of the doubt, because I don't want to be the one who makes him closed off and reserved to me again. This friendship that's just starting to bloom between Changbin and I is _too_ new to crash and burn this quickly.

"That's good to hear," I grin, and when Changbin lightly scoffs I laugh, casually-but-not-that-casually reaching over the table for the book he's been reading. I quickly yank away my hand when he suddenly smacks it and pout, rubbing the injured spot on my hand. "Ow, what was that for?"

Changbin lets out a smile that looks suspiciously like a smirk. "For prying around and being annoying."

I huff proudly. "I am _not_ annoying, so shut up."

"Give me your hand."

"Why?"

"Don't you want me to kiss it better?"

I blink, staring incredulously at Changbin and wondering if he's actually _serious_ or if I just hallucinated the last two seconds. Changbin though, looks as stoic and as level-headed as ever, and I shrug, placing my palm on his once again and almost yelping in pain when he smacks it again.

"Oh my god. You're a complete and utter _sadist_ ," I hiss, while Changbin has the audacity to laugh at my pain and suffering, using his sweater sleeve to try and cover his face up when he realizes that he's laughing too much. "I understand, some people have weird hand fetishes and all that, but my hand is _not_ some play thing, Mr. Seo."

"I literally don't care," is Changbin's insensitive reply, his eyes all bright and doing that crinkling thing they do when he laughs or smiles, and _god_ , he should be arrested because no one is allowed to be this _adorable_.

***

  
As if this week's a replay of the previous week, Saturday alternates between raining and the skies being cloudy and turbulent. When the sky darkens and evening comes around, Olivia has this _awesome_ idea for me to drive her to her best friend's house because, in her words, she doesn't want to spend time with her older brother because he's 'boring as heck', and when I don't agree to her request at first, she becomes so annoying I don't have any option _but_ to listen to her.

Since our parents are out for a night spent with some of their friends at work, I tell an overly-enthusiastic Liv to follow me to my car and text dad that she's staying at one of her friends' house tonight. He doesn't answer, but I know he and mom would have no problem with the arrangement.

Olivia's barely able to sit still in her seat, and when we finally arrive in front of her friend, Lily's place, which is about a twenty minute drive at most, she wastes no time in unbuckling her seatbelt and jumping out of the car door even though there's a light drizzle falling from the sky by now.

"Tell Lily your 'hot af' brother says hi," I tell Olivia, and she scoffs at this, remembering her friend's exact words about me when we met for the first time.

"Not even in your _dreams_ ," she tells me, and I laugh, wishing her a good night while kindly informing her that I _definitely_ would _not_ come pick her up on or before 12 PM tomorrow.

When she enters the house, I realize that I basically have the whole night to myself now, and I'm already preparing for the Netflix shows I plan on binging tonight as I start to drive down the road, admiring this area of town at night. It's more quiet than I'm used to, warm amber streetlights lighting up a few corners and spotting only a sparse amount of people walking around at this time of night.

The rain's steady drizzle has become heavier now, drops of it beating against and spreading on top of my car. I bite back a groan at this, watching at the car's windshield battles with the rain building on it. I huff, figuring I'd have to park the car somewhere for a bit because I _definitely_ do not want to drive down a semi-dark road while the rain's getting progressively heavier.

In the distance, there's a small convenience shop that looks like it's about to close up with how dim its lights are getting and how isolated the interior looks. As I drive closer to it, wondering if I can quickly get something for myself before the store closes for the night, something, or some _one_ rather catches my eyes.

The person's a bit hard to make out with all the rain falling, but as I get nearer to the store, my heart rate quickens, breath getting caught in my throat when I see none other than _Changbin_ heading out the store and into the rain, hands deep in his pockets and gaze downcast.

It's clear that he's on his way to getting drenched, and with how empty and desolated this area looks, I realize that he probably didn't bring his car along with him.

Before I fully realize what I'm doing, I stop the car when I'm sure he can see me, roll down my side of the window and call out to him.

"Changbin?" I start, and he looks up, eyes locking with mine. With his gaze upwards now, it's easier for me to notice things about him that I wouldn't have noticed if I'd called out to him from a distance. Like how he's visibly shivering underneath his clothes, how alert his eyes are, shimmering slightly, and how angry he looks right in this moment, especially upon witnessing my face. "Changbin, get in."

Changbin doesn't listen to me. He just _stares_ , looking a few seconds from walking away when I call his name again, confused with his behaviour.

"Changbin, _get in the car_." This time, my tone is firmer than before, eyes not leaving his shinier pair. "It's raining, and you're gonna get really soaked. _Please_."

"No." I can't believe what I'm hearing, and as he starts to walk towards the opposite direction of where I'm going, I promptly reverse the car until it's in his way. "Are you _fucking_ _crazy_?!"

Refusing to let his harsh words get to me, I stare up at him through my car window. "Changbin, get in the car. Now."

Changbin looks like he's about to argue. "Felix -- "

"Changbin get in the fucking car!" The sterness of my voice startles me, but I refuse to let my gaze drop from Changbin's face. This time though, it seems my words have done the trick, because within the next five seconds, Changbin is entering the passenger side of the car and slamming the door shut.

We sit there in tense, awkward silence, my hands tightening their grip on the steering wheel.

I then sigh, turning sideways to look at Changbin, noticing how he's shivering but trying to hide it, his jaw set and his glassy, blood-shot eyes purposefully not looking at me. His nose is also tinted a light rosy shade, and I wonder if he'd been crying. I refrain from asking him this though, instead zipping down my warm maroon sweater and taking it off.

I reach over to him to try and get his attention, but he flinches at the last second.

"Don't touch me," he says. His voice is still as harsh as ever, affecting me in the worst ways, but I can also pinpoint how strained and hoarse his voice sounds.

"Just... take off your hoodie and put it at the back. It's wet. My sweater's warm," I explain, voice softer than I want it to be, and fortunately, Changbin listens to my instructions. With him taking off his soaked hoodie, my eyes catch sight of the damp grey shirt underneath and I avert my eyes when I see how the shirt slightly sticks to and rides up his skin.

With him wearing my sweater now, I start to drive. I quickly get tired of the thick silence surrounding us while on the road, so I decide to break it, hoping I won't regret my actions too much.

"So... What were you doing outside tonight without a car?" I start, keeping my eyes fixed on the road before us.

"None of your business," Changbin replies tiredly, and my eyebrows furrow, that anger I felt previously at him flaring up within me again.

"Fuck, so now I can't ask you a question without you brushing me off?" I ask, tone bitter. "I thought we were past this."

"Felix, stop being so fucking dramatic."

"Can't you see that I'm _worried_ about you?" I reply, unable to hide how frustrated I am because of how he's acting right now. "And yeah, of course, that's how a _normal person_ would react if they see their _friend_ walking in the rain without any protection, looking all sad and miserable and shit. And here I am, _wanting_ to know why you're looking so upset so I can _help_ in any way I can, and you're pushing me away while being, might I add, _very_ fucking rude about it. So excuse me for being _so fucking dramatic_ , as you said."

Changbin's noticeably angrier now too, eyebrows coming together and gaze hardening when he looks at me. "No one's _asking_ you to worry about me! You're not fucking obligated to give a shit about me."

"You're right, I'm not obligated to!" I exclaim, shutting him up, "I'm doing this because I _want_ to. I actually _care_ about you, and if you weren't being so goddamn _difficult_ , then you would have been able to see that all along!"

Silence follows thereafter, and then, "Stop the fucking car. I'm leaving."

" _No_ ," I reply, finalty present in my tone. I can feel Changbin's icy glares burning into one side of my skull, but frankly, I don't care. "We're either going to your house or mine, and I'm guessing you won't want me to know where you live so we're heading to my house for the night. And that's _final_."

Changbin doesn't say anything after that, practically seething beside me, but I don't care. I'll be lying if I say he doesn't piss me off, because he does; a _lot_. His attitude and the way he reacts at times is enough to drive me up a freaking _wall_ , and I can't deny that. But even with that, there's a part of me, a huge part, that's really, _really_ worried about him. I can't deny that part of me that wants to know why Changbin was being like this, and why he was walking all alone in the rain, crying.

When we finally arrive at my house, I park my car in the driveway then Changbin quickly unbuckles his seatbelt, grabs his wet hoodie from the back and leaves the car. I follow behind him moments later, and he says nothing as I unlock the door to the house and we both step in.

Immediately, I waste no time in turning on the lights and entering my room, bringing out a set of my clothes that I'm sure would fit Changbin.

"Bathroom's on the door to your right in the hall. You can take a shower if you want," I blankly tell him after giving the clothes to him, to which he just curtly nods at and does as I've instructed.

My heart is still beating rapidly at what had transpired tonight between us, and I inhale deep breaths as I turn on the TV and put it to some Netflix show.

When that's done, I enter the kitchen, not saying a word when Changbin steps out, clad in my clothes and tersely taking a seat on the edge of the couch. I basically ignore him as I set to work on making some hot cocoa, and when it's ready, I pour it inside a mug and walk out with it, placing it on the coffee table before him.

"Drink," I state, finally watching his face to gauge his reaction to what I just said. At the smallest hint of resistance from his expression, I quickly add, "No complaints."

Changbin reluctantly takes the mug by its handle, and his gaze falls on the liquid. He mumbles a, "Can't take anything with you staring at me like that," and I sigh, sitting on the couch and watching the TV with my arms crossed.

Slowly but surely as the show, _On My Block,_ progresses, Changbin finishes up his cocoa, and once again, I say absolutely nothing as the show goes on.

It's when the sixth episode is done that I hear something from Changbin, and I look at him, still irritated at him for being the way he was earlier.

"What?"

"I said..." he sighs, voice softer than anything I've ever heard, "I'm...sorry. I... I was being such a dick, but when am I _not_ a dick?"

I sigh, before remarking, "It's okay."

"You don't have to lie. I act so _shitty_ to when you've been nothing but _nice_ to me. ...Why do have to be so _nice_?"

It's clear that whatever's eating at him's bigger than I thought, so, ignoring all the frustration I feel right now, I inch closer to him, putting an arm around his shoulder. He doesn't say anything when I practically coax him into leaning his head on my shoulder.

"As I said before: It's _okay_ , Changbin. Sure, how you acted tonight wasn't really nice, and I got mad at you, _but_... at _least_ you apologized. I just don't want you feeling sad."

Changbin doesn't reply, eyes focused on the show, but I don't _need_ him to. I don't _need_ him to tell me what's bothering him either, at least not right now. I'm just glad he's okay and feels better now.

It isn't too long afterwards that he falls asleep on me.


	5. step 5: breakfast adventures (felix)

**GROANING, MY EYES** flickering open in the process, I sit up and almost have a panic attack when I see that someone else is on my _bed_. But then I calm down, because with the daylight filtering through the windows illuminating the room, I figure out who that person is instantly. Seeing Changbin on my bed, submerged under the blankets I call my own and his head resting on top of my pillow, is as unfamiliar as a sight as it is a strangely _domestic_ one, which I don't mind in the least, to be honest.

Almost instantly, memories of yesterday night come rushing in at the forefront of my mind. Memories of how I had to wake him up so that he could have a more comfortable place to sleep on than on my shoulder, and how I told him I didn't mind spending the night on the couch if he wasn't comfortable enough with another guy sleeping on the same bed as him.

I remember how his face turns at this, his voice filling up the confines of my mind as if he's saying these words right now:

" _Jesus, I may be mean, but I'm not_ that _mean. Just sleep next to me, but don't say anything before I push you off the fucking bed."_

And that's how I found myself sleeping on the same bed next to him, and I'm glad I did because _one_ ; the couch is _seriously_ not the most comfortable place to sleep on, and _two_ ; seeing Changbin first thing in the morning, his face calm and void of any troubles or irritation, is something I can _really_ get used to.

I find myself staring at him longer than I'd like to admit, but then I remember that my parents are most likely home and that's enough to occupy my mind with something else other than Changbin's face. I don't hestitate to spring off the bed in alarm at this, almost falling on my own to feet because I'm a clumsy idiot, and I exhale a sigh of relief when my actions only cause Changbin to stir in the slightest bit. I'm glad he isn't awake now, because last night, after he fell asleep before I did (I wasn't able to sleep that much because his presence was _too_ distracting), he kept on tossing and turning, unable to stay in one place for long. It made me worried, and I was only able to get a decent night's rest when Changbin was finally able to get familiar enough with my bed to fall asleep comfortably.

Shuffling my feet into the first pair of slippers I see, I head towards the bathroom to wash my face, and then go down the hall trying to make the least sound as I possibly can, in case my parents _are_ in the living room, waiting for me to show up and then question me deeply about the boy that slept next to me yesterday night to this morning.

The familiar, homey and lived-in interior of the living room greets my eyes, but I see no sign of my parents or Olivia anywhere. Tiptoeing, I advance into the kitchen and see a small note placed on the island's marble counter atop a bottle of syrup. I muffle a yawn with the back of my hand while I use the other to take the note and read it.

_Dear son, we saw you have someone over that doesn't look like any of your friends we're accustomed to seeing, and since we're sure you probably don't want us to intrude in on you both's time, we decided to leave the house early to get breakfast somewhere else. Don't misuse this opportunity and trash the house while we're gone with your new friend._

_Love you lots, your amazing parents, Mom and Dad_.

I cringe a bit after reading this note, mostly because my suspicions have been confirmed with my parents saying they saw me with Changbin, but I'm glad they don't seem to think anything weird of it. I'm also glad they've left the house for the time being, because, while they _are_ amazing parents, they're also the type to ask overly personal questions in the name of getting friendly. I have a feeling Changbin wouldn't appreciate it that much, seeing as he isn't even the type of person to take kindly to new faces so soon after he's just woken up.

A certain type of warmth rises within the pit of my stomach at the reality that Changbin is, in fact, _still_ sleeping in my bed, and before knowing what I'm doing, I start to smile, deciding in the heat of the moment that it would be nice for him to wake up to a meal already prepared for him. It's weird, since I don't usually do this, even when Pete stays over, and because frankly, I can't really cook for shit, but I don't let that discourage me.

Before I start 'cooking' though, I walk back to the living room with a bounce in every step and grab the remote, putting it to the Nickelodeon channel because I find myself in the mood of watching some cartoons. Luckily, Spongebob is on, and as its theme song (which is absolute _art_ , by the way) starts playing, I hum along and hop back into the kitchen island, a big grin on my face.

"Okay Felix," I tell myself while Spongebob plays in the background, and place my hands on my hips, "You're on a mission to make the _best_ fucking breakfast _ever_ , and you're gonna make it for Changbin. So it's serious. This is a matter of life and death. _Literally_." I grab an apron and put it on like one would do in those slo-mo action shots in movies that look absolutely _lengendary_ , and tell myself: "Today is the big test. The test that would make or break everything. The fate of the world _rests_ on this one meal. So," I take in a huge breath, ending my monologue and hoping with every bit of my anime-loving heart that Changbin is _not_ witnessing me in this very moment, "Time to make breakfast for Changbinnie, Felix."

With this done and over with, I set to work on making breakfast, acting all professional like those chefs do in cooking shows. I pay extra attention to my surroundings because I don't want to burn anything and potentially set the whole house on fire, and it's when I'm half-way done with the food that I hear light footsteps cascading over the floors.

Spinning around, I catch sight of a drowsy-eyed Changbin, my shirt and sweatpants fitting his form a little loosely and his hair ruffled up a bit -- but the only thought that forms in my mind right then is _he looks dashing_. And, I almost forgot, _oh shit_.

I almost drop the spatula I'm holding.

"Uh, good morning," I greet, flashing Changbin a warm smile even though I'm fidgety on the inside. With him here now, there's an even higher chance of me fucking up on the breakfast, and even if I'm not the best cook out there -- _not even close_ \-- I still really want to impress Changbin with what I'm preparing today.

Changbin looks down, away from my gaze as he fiddles with the hem of his (my) black shirt. "Morning..." His voice doesn't hold its usual stiff edge to it, and I guess it must've had something to do with what happened yesterday night. Although what took place between us made tensions high for the majority of our time here together inside this house, I don't want him to dwell on it, at all. I don't want him to think I'm still mad at him, because what I'm feeling right now, at this particular moment at seeing him in the living room, looking all cute and attractive without really trying, is _nothing_ close to anger.

"You can like, take a seat, you know," I tell him, forcing myself to look back at what I'm making instead of staring at Changbin so much. I can still remember how he told me he doesn't like being stared at. "Make yourself comfortable. _Mi casa, es tu casa_."

I hear Changbin's distinct chuckle, and instantly a smile makes it way over my face.

"You're so cringe," he mutters, but doesn't say anything else for a couple moments. Then he asks, "What are you making?"

" _Something_ ," I reply, ever so helpful.

"Thanks for that in-depth discription. It really helped," Changbin tells me, as sarcastic as ever, and I giggle.

"Oh, shut up. You're gonna love it though."

"...Should I be worried?" He asks, chuckling some more. I turn around in time to witness him rubbing his eyes with his fist, and that warmth I had felt in my stomach before erupts again at his child-like action. I quickly avert my eyes back on what I'm making before he catches my stare though. "You know, since I wanna be informed in advance if the house's gonna burn down later on."

" _Hey_ ," I gasp, feeling a bit offended even though I suck majorly at cooking. "Have more faith in me than that. I can assure you that the house isn't gonna burn down, if that's what you're _so_ worried about."

Fortunately, breakfast is served not too long afterwards, and when I place the plate of the hybrid waffle-pancake-blueberry concoction with I made in front of the coffee table before him, along with a glass of not-so-freshly-squeezed orange juice, Changbin raises an eyebrow and says, "What the heck am I looking at?"

I sit next to him, going over the speech I'd prepared for this exact moment in my mind before saying it out loud. "We all love pancakes, and we all love waffles too, so I wondered, why fight over which one's better when we can just have them both, _together_? The answer to this age-old war is right in front of us, complete with the perfect combination of sweetness, suppleness and crispness. The all-American meal." Ignoring Changbin's amused yet slightly concerned stare, I pass a bottle of syrup and one of chocolate to him. "Enjoy. Also, I would've added bacon but I do _not_ have a good history with cooking meat so I don't wanna risk anything. Would you also like some whipped cream with your meal?"

"Jesus, you trying to give me diabetes, Felix?" Changbin speaks, eyes wide, and I laugh, probably harder than I should have because of his joke. "You're crazy."

"Hey," I start, pointing at him, "don't knock it 'til you try it. I won't poison you if that's what you're so bothered about. What's there to lose?"

"Uh, my _life_?"

I raise my two eyebrows, and Changbin just groans before taking a forkful of my special waffle-pancake-blueberry concoction. Meanwhile as he eats, I head into the kitchen and get myself a can of whipped cream goodness and more blueberries.

When I return, I lean against the couch and prepare to dig in into my _own_ version of a breakfast. "How's the paffleberry?"

"The _what_? Okay, I don't even wanna know," Changbin starts and I laugh in response. " _But_ ," he shrugs, meeting my eyes, "it isn't _that_ bad."

" _See_?" I say, voice louder than how I intended it to be. I pop a berry into my mouth. "I _can_ make a decent breakfast."

"I never said you couldn't."

"Whatever," I prop my feet on one side of the coffee table, to which Changbin scowls at, bringing the plate of paffleberry closer to him as a result. I'm grinning widely as I continue to eat the blueberries, spraying bits of the whipped cream into my mouth as I go. "This is so _goood_. You know what would be better? _Nutella_."

"You _really_ wanna get diabetes, huh?" asks Changbin, and when we both look at each other, I can seeing the amusment glinting in his brown eyes. It's a sight that I find oddly alluring.

"I don't, but I really want nutella. But then again, it's located all the way in the kitchen. So I'm just gonna kick it on this couch right here," I ramble, watching what's on the television. It's still playing Spongebob episodes, and when the theme song starts again, I softly sing along. I only stop when I sense Changbin staring at me.

"What?" I ask, and Changbin just shakes his head and looks back at the TV, which I don't like at all. I don't like how quiet and withdrawn he gets at times, but I also don't want to say anything and ruin the lighthearted mood. There's nothing I'd dislike more than for Changbin to glare at me the way he did last night.

I gently nudge his arm an episode into watching Spongebob. "Hey, Changbin?"

"Yeah?" His tone betrays nothing of whatever he might be feeling right now, so I'm a bit nervous at performing my next action, but I do it anyways.

Taking the can of whipped cream, I abruptly spray a bit of it on his cheek, unable to hide my mischievous grin when he looks at me. "...Oops?"

My parents will _definitely_ be disappointed in me if they happen to enter the house at this moment in time, because here we are, Changbin and I, having a full-fledged food war with the chocolate, syrup and the whipped cream as our main weapons.

When Changbin first retaliated after I'd 'accidentally' attacked his cheek with my whipped cream, I didn't expect he'd do it _this_ hard. He's a formiddable opponent, I'll give him that, because he manages to get my hair, face and clothes tangled in this mess full of syrup and mixing flour in the span of only a few minutes. I get a few blows on him too, aiming several shots of liquid chocolate in his direction, and by the time we've changed location to the kitchen this time, we're both dirty and looking like idiots, but it doesn't matter since it's _fun_.

It's really, _really_ fun.

Since I'm such a _fair_ opponent, I use some fallen flour to get Changbin to trip, and when he's on the ground, completely defenseless, I lean over him, threateningly pointing the bottle of chocolate to him. "Looks like you're all trapped now, Changbin. Any last words?"

Changbin just shakes his hair, and the flour in them makes me momentarily blind. He uses that moment of weakness to his advantage, toppling me over and pointing the bottle to _me_ instead.

"Okay. _Maybe_ I shouldn't have spoken so soon," I say, voice wavering without me meaning it too. Really, it's hard to keep my tone level when Changbin's literally _on top of me_ , our faces not too far apart. My heartbeat decides to beat almost irratically at this second too and I can swear Changbin himself can hear it since it's so _loud_.

Fortunately, but also unfortunately, Changbin suddenly lets me go and stands up, his actions screaming reluctance and something else I can't put my finger on.

"Well... good game, huh?" I say with a very noticeable voice crack, helping myself to my feet so I won't trip on the flour. I look at Changbin, but he isn't looking at me.

"I guess," is Changbin's curt answer.

"We should probably get this mess cleaned up before my parents and sister come back."

"Yeah."

"...Yeah."

***

  
While we're cleaning up the kitchen and -- I'll admit it -- most of the living room area, I get a bit bored of listening to theme songs coming from the TV, so I run into my room, bring out a small portable speaker and head out. Then, I also grab my phone from the couch and stare at Changbin who's polishing the surface of the previously dirtied cupboards in the kitchen.

"Hey, Changbin?" I start, biting on my lip.

Changbin turns around, fixing me with one of his usual questioning stares. "What is it that you felt the need to distract me from my cleaning of the cupboards?"

"This is more important, I _swear_ ," I say, marching into the kitchen. "Ever listened to k-pop before?"

"So, just because I _happen_ to be Korean, you think I listen to k-pop?" Changbin asks, and I falter in my steps a little bit, blinking in the process.

"Well... yeah?"

"I guess you're right," he replies, and I mentally let out an exhale of relief. "What song do you have in mind?"

"How about jamming out to some Vixx? There's also some EXO and NCT in there as well," I say, unable to hide the excitement in my voice. While I'm not completely crazy over k-pop persay, I _do_ have quite a few groups I listen to. I've shown Pete some of them too, at which he remarked in a completely serious voice, _"Okay. I'm gonna marry Taeyong and have his babies"_ when he listened to _Baby Don't Stop_ from NCT for the first time. It's safe to say he has a thing for the guy.

Changbin shrugs, and soon enough we find ourselves both rocking out to _Limitless_ by NCT 127. Okay, I admit I do most of the 'rocking out', but it's pretty clear Changbin's happy with my song selections, if his casual head-bopping is anything to go by. Honestly, I'm just glad Changbin's able to enjoy himself at this very moment.

The songs help us to let loose some more, motivating us to finish the cleaning quicker, and when we're done I tell Changbin he can take a shower first since I can see how much he's itching to change out of his ( _my_ ) messy clothes.

When he's gone, my phone dings because of its current notification, which is a message from Pete from the group chat he'd made me join, or more accurately, _forced_ me into.

**_Pete is a petty ass bitch, by Seu_ ** _**ngmin Kim** _

  
**Petty: dude felix you up?**

**Flex: yeah. what is it?**

**MinneMouse: we're going to see a movie tongt**

**MickeyMouse: yeah what seungmin said**

**Flex: but isnt it a school night**

**Petty: ok quit sounding like my mom flex**

**Flex: shut up petty >.>**

**MickeyMouse: ok ok guys shut up and listen**

**MickeyMouse: i have a suggestion**

**Flex: what is it anna**

**MickeyMouse: you bring changbin along. deal?**

**Flex: what?**

**MinnieMouse: what anna said. it'll be cool if changbin comes along with us. that is, if he wants to. you guys are always hanging out so**

**Flex: uh,, okay**

**Flex: i'll ask him now then**

**Petty: wait... is he at your house**

**Petty: !!!**

**Flex: shut up**

**Petty: ok should i come over, or should i do so another day in order not to...disrupt anything**

**Flex: i hope you choke on your honey nut cheerios**

**Petty: 😱** **😱😱😱**

**_Petty has changed the group chat name to 'welcome to your tape, flex 🔫🔪💣'_ **

  
I chuckle, turning the phone off and heading down the hall to ask Changbin if he'll be down to hang out with my friends and I later on today. The whole ordeal makes me nervous, because the thought of Changbin sitting next to me in a dark theatre, our arms brushing and knees touching, is enough to make my stomach wring itself _over and over_ again. I'll be lying if I say I don't want him to come to the movies with me. _And_ my friends, don't forget.

When the bathroom becomes closer in sight, I take notice of how the door's slightly open, and before I know what's up I'm staring at Changbin's half-naked body through the door like a total creep. His hair is damp and his upper-body's glistening, and to make matters worse my eyes zero-in on his bare chiseled torso like they have a mind of their own.

"Woah." I say, alarming both Changbin and myself.

"Felix what are you _doing_ here?" He says, so startled and jittery at my sudden presence and I feel even _more_ like a creep.

"I-I -- I didn't -- " My lips press together just as the door not-so-subtly slams in front of my face. I sigh, resting my forehead on the surface of the door. "I'm sorry. Really sorry. I just wanted to ask you something. Didn't know the door would be open."

"...What is it?" comes Changbin's hesitant reply.

"My friends -- They want you to come watch a movie with them tonight. Not saying that _I_ don't want that, because I honestly _do_. A lot. _But_ , you don't have to come if you aren't comfortable with the idea. Actually, it was Anna's idea. She said she thought it'd be nice to invite you and we all agreed. She's nice like that. Anyway," I draw in a long breath, anxiety gnawing at the depths of my mind at what Changbin's reply is going to be, "do you wanna come with? If you don't, I'll drop you off at your house, and I promise I won't ever come looking for you there if you don't want me enterng your house." I inhale yet another huge breath. "What do you say?"


	6. step 6: be a dumb teen (felix)

**YOU'LL THINK AFTER** spending time together one night, then waking up the next morning to have breakfast together, ending the day with going to see the movies together with other friends would make two people closer than ever, or at least close enough to get how the mechanics of how their mind and personality worked, but that wasn't the case with Changbin and I, unfortunately.

It starts off when Pete and I step into our first class on Monday morning, early enough not to be subject to Mrs. Green's wrath, and it's then that I manage to lock eyes with Changbin's own across the room. I, without thinking too much about it, flash him a smile, seeing no harm in it especially with all the time we spent together the day before, only to internally deflate when Changbin only stiffens and looks away.

Luckily, Pete doesn't catch the exchange, but that doesn't stop my mind from coming up with different explanations for Changbin's weird behaviour towards me earlier on. I come up with different scenarios, paying less and less attention to the teacher as time goes on, which doesn't bother me that much. Time and time again, I itch to turn around and look at Changbin, at least to make sure that what I saw when the class began was some sort of hallucination. But just as quickly as I think about it, I back out, seeing that I can just talk to Changbin about it another time.

The day continues, and so does Changbin's weird behaviour. Anytime I try to catch his eye during any class we have together, he manages to avoid my gaze each time. When we _do_ lock eyes, he's the one who looks away first. It's as confusing as it is hurtful, and I'll be lying if I say I'm not at all bothered by how avoidant he's currently acting.

By the time it's Literature, the class I have before lunch break, I think _fuck it_ and leave my usual seat beside a red haired girl and go for the empty one beside Changbin instead.

Instantly, as if it's some chain reaction, Changbin's shoulders grow tense and his eyes don't leave his open notebook. I look at it too, briefly noticing how _neat_ his handwriting is, at least compared to mine, but then I decide that his face is much more interesting and look back up at him.

"Changbin, can we talk?" I ask, not really bothering to keep my voice low. In front of us, people are either talking with their friends, or face deep in their books since our class has a substitute today and the woman was already out like a log a minute into the class. No one really pays attention to Changbin and I, a majority of people already used to my acquaintance with him to question it too much now anyways.

Changbin gives out a shrug that I, if I was just knowing him just now, would have thought as sort of casual. "Talk about what?"

"I think you know what I'm talking about," I state, my eyebrows creasing when Changbin's eyes still refuse to leave the pages of his notebook. I add, "And don't try denying it."

"Denying what? I don't know what you're talking about."

Contemplating shortly over my next actions before deciding on doing it anyway, I snap his notebook shut, succeeding at getting him to look at me for once. He's not happy with what I've done, I can tell, but I'm too caught up in the moment to back out now.

"Felix," he starts, but says nothing else.

I place the notebook on my side of the table, and Changbin makes no move to take it. "I need to know why you're being like this again."

"Being like what?"

"Stop deflecting my words with questions," I reply, tone firm, and Changbin does that bitter sounding scoff again. That scoff that I seriously do not like to hear from him, especially when I _thought_ we were making progress. "Stop it."

"Stop what?"

I sigh, exasperated with the way he keeps on answering everything with a question. Changbin has the audacity to look amused. " _Changbin_."

" _Fine_. What the hell do you want us to talk about, then?" He asks, whatever sort of amusement he had before disappearing in an instant. I'm a little bit startled at how his demeanor can change so easily.

"Why you're being like _this_. Why you're back to avoiding me, especially after all that happened yesterday," I tell him.

Changbin looks away from me. "I'm not avoiding you."

"You _are_ , though. And I don't like it. Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?"

" _What_? No," Changbin says, looking taken aback with my question. His tone is probably enough to get rid of this unsettling feeling in my mind; this feeling that something seems _off_ , but I'm still as bothered as I was about everything before he answered me.

"Then what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Really." I know he can tell I don't really believe him, because he looks at me at that second. All the while I've known Changbin, I've never been able to discern how he feels by just his facial expression, since he's annoyingly good at hiding what he's feeling. The only time I got close enough to know what was really going on with him was Saturday night when I brought him to my house because it was raining, but now it seems like that whatever entry way I could've used to get to know him better has become closed off to me, especially with Changbin's emotionless eyes staring right at me at this moment.

"I'm _fine_." He says, his tone of voice leaving no room for discussion. I feel like asking him more questions though, but something tells me he won't give me answers if I just continue to pry. And I don't want to seem annoying.

"Alright, okay, you're fine." I repeat, and even though I'm not satisfied with Changbin's reply, I move on to a different topic; a lighter one, because I admit, I don't like seeing a frown on Changbin's face. Witnessing a smile, that kind of smile I saw before at _Icy Goodness_ that lit up his whole face, is what I want to see badly.

"Hey," I start, playing with my mechanical pencil, "Changbin?"

Changbin looks irritated as he asks, "What?"

I pass him back his notebook. "You know, there's this football game coming up this Friday. First game of the season, Ravenwood against East Haven -- "

"What about it?" Changbin asks, although I'm pretty sure he has an inkling as to why I'm suddenly talking to him about a football game.

"Well, uhm," I blink, "You should come. I mean, to the game. With me. Anna, Pete and Seungmin are also gonna be there. You know Steve? Steve Knightly. He's on the team too and one of the few jocks that I can actually stand. We're friends. He's nice too. Anyway," I shake my head and suck in my lower lip between my teeth, "you should really come."

Just like I'd predicted (and feared) Changbin shakes his head, eyes falling on top of Mrs. Collins' form that's currently lost in dreamland, head on folded arms and gradually whitening hair sprawled all around.

"No. I don't like football."

"I don't really like it either, but that doesn't mean I hate the games. Just the atmosphere, being with other people, and surrounded by all this excitement and energy is usually worth it all," I say, taking note of Changbin's uninterested expression all throughout my speech, "... _aaand_ you don't care about all that. Okay."

"They've just never been my thing," he replies honestly, and I nod, understanding where he's coming from.

"I guess. I mean, I can't force you into doing something you're not comfortable with, so you don't have to go, if you don't want."

Changbin hums, but says nothing else afterwards. And I don't too. This time, the silence that envelopes us is kinda comfortable, and I'm content with just sitting there, looking at Changbin whenever I think he isn't looking, and reading over a couple pages from my fiction book for Literature. I don't get past a few chapters though, as reading has never been particularly my thing.

During this time, I discover some pretty interesting things about the raven haired boy sitting next to me. Firstly, along with the way he unknowingly pouts when things don't go his way, there's this thing he does whenever he's concentrated on something. His eyebrows crease in the middle and he bites on his lip or sticks out his tongue a little bit. It's not a particularly special trait, but it _is_ a memorable one, since it's Changbin that's doing it. And anything _Changbin_ does is nothing short of _memorable_.

God, I think I sound like a lovesick teenaged fangirl. The one that screams ' _Notice me Senpai!'_ and writes diary entries about her and her crush being in love and having babies together. It's _that_ bad, but now at this moment in time, I hardly care.

 

_Secondly_ , I discover that Changbin can draw. Draw _well_ , at that. Halfway into literature, he absentmindedly does a rough sketch of a horse in motion, and even with the details not added in yet, the sketch looks _really_ great.

 

When the bell rings, I look at him and comment, "Hey, you can draw insanely well. Mind drawing me sometime? I'd _love_ to be one of your naked french girls."

 

Changbin looks up then, and if looks could kill, I'd be six feet under right then. "Felix what the fuck?"

 

I laugh, probably harder than I should've, and Changbin's look of displeasure only deepens. "Hey. It was a joke."

 

"You're crazy."

 

"Nothing I've never heard beforeee," I sing, racing out with the rest of my classmates outside the classroom.

 

I'm still smiling even as I almost collide with Pete and a couple more students, Steve Knightly included.

 

"Heyy Felix," he greets, smile wide and green eyes sparkling as we engage in one of those straight-guy hugs. "You coming to the game? Would be a great prequel to your birthday." His eyebrows furrow, "Wait. I used 'prequel' correctly, right?"

 

"Your dumb-blondness never ceases to amaze me, Steve," Pete says, tone too light to be serious, and he's smiling too. Steve takes it in good stride, which is one of the many reasons I like the guy. He's not as uptight and douchey as most of the other jocks in Ravenwood High. "And yeah, Felix is coming. We're _all_ coming to see your ass fail."

 

Steve scoffs, light eyebrows almost disappearing underneath his blond hair. " _Please_. My ass is too perfect to fail."

 

I'm amused, watching both Pete and Steve converse about whether or not he's going to bomb his postition on the team when I catch sight of Changbin not too far away from us. He sees me, and I immediately grin and wave him over.

  
Several thoughts seem to swim behind his eyes, but when he heads over, I fight the urge to grin wider.

"Steve, this is Changbin. Changbin, Steve," I promptly introduce to be polite, though I'm already positively sure that Steve has heard about Changbin already, just like how the whole school knows about him and his _preference_ for isolation. And with the way Steve's eyes flicker with realization in them, it's not hard to figure out that he knows who Changbin is. I can only hope Steve doesn't directly acknowledge Changbin's infamous position on the school's social ladder.

"Hey, I _know_ you," Steve says, pointing to Changbin. The smile on his face is an almost blinding contrast with Changbin's blank, uninterested expression, but that doesn't seem to bother Steve in the slightest. "And since I know you, game on Friday. You're coming."

"Hey Steve, there's this thing called _asking_. You should try it sometime," I joke, but Steve just shrugs, pointing two fingers at Changbin and mouthing ' _I'm watching you_ ' before running off to meet two of his meathead jock friends, Jason and Gabriel.

" _See_ , he's nice." I tell Changbin with a smile, to which he just shrugs at.

"You _should_ probably come though, if you don't have anything else planned for Friday," Pete adds. He's a little bit more eager to talk to Changbin now after discovering that he's not _as_ scary and mean of a person as he once thought. That doesn't mean Changbin's as open to converse with him, though. "I mean, I hate football games a majority of the time, but then I realize I have nothing better to do anyways than watching sweaty guys throw balls across the field."

"Sounds fun," Changbin remarks dryly.

" _See_? That's why you _should_ tag along," I reply, choosing to ignore the fact that Changbin looks anything but excited at the prospect of attending a football game. "It's _fun_."

***

  
As the week slowly continues, so does Changbin's weird avoidant behaviour. It's not like he goes out of his way to outwardly avoid me, but the way he becomes guarded whenever I get the time to talk to him tells me loud and clear that something's up with him again. The way he gets at times reminds me of how he'd first treated me when we started talking, and because of that I start to get worried and my jumping-to-conclusions brain makes up all sorts of crazy scenarios and reasons as to why Changbin's suddenly acting the way he is, which, naturally, drives me nuts.

I don't even have the time to ponder over the approaching football game and my birthday, too busy mulling over what I could've done to get Changbin like this again.

So, by the time Thursday arrives; more specifically, Thursday _night_ , I sneak out of the house like the good, diligent son I am and hop into my Mercedes, driving off into the night. It's not too late, probably around 10:30 PM or so, and this further convinces me that what I'm going to do is _not_ crazy and is _not_ going to damage or mess up anything in the long run.

My windows are rolled down, and even when I've buckled up my seatbelt (because knowing Changbin does that to you), I drive with one hand while the other is out my side of the window, the cool nightly breeze grazing it. I feel like a hardcore rebel driving out this late at night with minimal people out in plain sight, with nothing but _Panic! at the Disco_ blasting through the car speakers.

But then as I near the place Changbin calls his house, which looks more like those haunted mansions you see in those animated Disney movies with the rain and lightning pelting on them and all, the confidence I managed to build up on the journey to this house evaporates before my very eyes. Even Brendon Urie's insane vocals die out, as if to say ' _Sorry bud, you're on your own now_ ', and now I feel like a complete and utter idiot. Which isn't that surprising, since I only ever get like this when Changbin's involved.

 _Shit, I probably shouldn't have come_ , I think, now remembering the one hundredth and millionth time Changbin told me the night I drove him home not to come back to his house again. _Oh well_.

I park my car and head out, getting a closer look at the scarily huge house before me. A white, tall gate surrounds the vincinty and luckily, I didn't forget to bring my phone with me.

I don't hesitate to dial Changbin's number (which I'm pretty sure he'll kill me for later), hoping he hasn't fallen asleep or worse, isn't even in the house. Pressing the phone to my ear, I wait patiently for him to pick up.

It takes a few rings, but I fight the urge to smile when the call finally goes through.

"Who is this?" Changbin asks, and even though his voice is as strightforward as it is a tad bit annoyed, I feel immensely better that he picked up my call.

"Uhm... well," I start, "this is Felix -- "

" _Felix_?! How the fuck did you get my number?"

I push the phone away from my face as Changbin continues to let out some not-too-nice choice words about how I knew about his number without him telling me. "Hey Changbin, calm down dude."

"Don't ' _dude_ ' me," he snaps back.

"Okay, okay," I say, trying my hardest not to laugh. "First of all, how are you?"

"You _call_ me in the middle of the night, when I'm _trying_ to sleep, _asking_ how I am, so what do you _think_?"

"Okay, I'm sorry," I stare up at the house again, "but at least I know you're alive."

Changbin sighs and I chuckle. "Felix, tell me how you got my number."

"Okay; funny story. There's this one dude that paired up with you on some tech project last semester. Anyway, he happened to still have your number when I asked and he gave it to me. _That's_ how I got your number," I explain, twirling and tugging on one of my hoodie strings.

Silence ensues for some seconds and then, "I'm hanging up."

"Wait, no! Don't do that. You see, I'm in front of your house -- "

" _What_?!"

I continue despite Changbin's interruption. "And I'd really like it if you'd come out and hang out with me for a while. Judging by the dark windows I'm sure your parents or whoever else is in there is asleep. So... come?"

"No."

"So you're _really_ gonna leave me out in the cold, dark night all alone with no one else to talk to and be with?" I say trying to sound as miserable as I possibly can, and I swear I can actually _see_ Changbin rolling his eyes.

"You're an idiot." And with that, Changbin hangs up.

I become unmotivated, thinking about, but eventually deciding against calling him back. I'm about to head back to my car and drive home when I see someone silently leaving and shutting the gate. It turns out to be Changbin, and instantly, I'm smiling again.

"You came," I let out, taking note of his protective, comfortable attire. We're both dressed similarly, not willing to brave the cold Autumn wind.

"I can't believe you drove here," Changbin replies, rushing past me and standing beside the passenger side of my car. "Especially when it's a _school night_ and I _specifically_ told you not to come here again."

"Hey," I raise my hands up, "this is all part of those dumb highschool choices and experiences that I'm making. What kind of _teenager_ would I be if I didn't risk my parents' wrath and sneak out of my house on a school night?"

"As I said before: you're an idiot."

"A _loveable_ one," I correct. When we enter the car, I ask, "So, is your family still asleep?"

"...If they weren't I wouldn't _be_ here, so just drive," Changbin answers as he buckles up his seatbelt, though his tone lacks that usual cutting edge to it that it usually has.

"Cool," I say, before starting the car. I turn to him and say, "Looks like we're going on an adventure today, Changbin, don't ya think?"

"Felix, _drive_."

"Okay, okay."

***

 

Turns out, the 'adventure' we were going on spanned over spending some money on some fish and chips and sodas at a local 24/7 fast food joint, _eating_ said fish and chips in the car (which tasted _great_ , by the way) and half-heartedly listening to a couple cheesy pop songs on the radio as I drove, which eventually ended when I stopped the vehicle next to a lake that screamed mystery and secrecy with its deep, dark surface.

  
"You know what people do at secluded lakes?" I ask, wiggling my eyebrows and opening the car door to get out. Once I do, Changbin meets up with me and gives me a punch on the arm that could kill. "Okay _shit_ , I totally deserved that."

"Why are we here?" Changbin asks, ignoring my previous words.

I shrug, glancing upon the dark lake that's mildly shielded by some trees and leaves. "Dunno. Just thought it'd be nice to seat down here and talk for a bit."

Expecting Changbin to show his disapproval at that, I'm pleasantly surprised when he just shrugs and says "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, okay. Do you have like, a blanket or something to sit down on, because I'm not for the life of me sitting down on the dirty floor."

At this I burst out laughing, and it's even better when Changbin smiles a little bit too. "Luckily for you, I _do_ have a blanket in store." I get back into the car and take out said black blanket, laying it on the area closest to the lake.

"So, you just casually have a blanket lying around and expect me to believe it?" He asks when we're both seated on the blanket, staring at the small lake before us.

"Well, yeah." Changbin looks at me, eyes soft yet amused underneath the moonlight. For once, I don't feel self-conscious enough to bother looking away. "Okay, I, sort of, already thought about us coming here, you know? So I thought ' _Why not be prepared?_ ' in case something goes wrong. _Obviously_ , looking at it now, it was the right thing to do all along."

Changbin lightly shoves my arm, and we both laugh, though his own's more subdued.

"Uh, I know you probably won't want me asking this, but," I meet his eyes, "are you okay?"

"You _always_ ask me that," he tells me.

"That's 'cause I'm just being a concerned friend."

"You don't need to be though. I'm okay."

"You sure?"

"I _am_ , now stop asking," Changbin responds and I nod.

"Okay. Just so you know, if anything's bothering or troubling you, you can always tell me, okay? We're friends, and friends care about each other. I'm sure you care about me too -- "

Changbin scoffs. "You wish."

I smile. "Hey, Changbin?"

"What is it?" he off-handedly replies.

"You won't mind if I lie on your lap, right? I'm tired." I don't wait for his reply and, feeling strangely daring, I rest my head on his lap and stare at the navy blue sky. I anticipate a push or at least a shove from Changbin, but he doesn't do any of that, and that's good. "Thanks."

"I never agreed to you doing this."

I look at him, unable to bite back laughing out loud at the absurdity of it all, because _here I am_ , out in front of a lake at an ungodly hour of the night when there's school tomorrow, lying on the lap of a boy I never would've thought I'd get this close with the years before. _Holy shit_.

"What are you laughing at?" Changbin asks, his voice soft and bringing me out of my thoughts. I see how his hands are placed awkwardly at his sides, and for half a second I contemplate telling him to run them through my hair.

"Just, I don't know, how cheesy this whole thing is. I feel like I'm in a fanfiction," I chuckle, looking up at him. "Don't you think..."

"Think what?"

"That this seems awfully _gay_?"

Changbin puts a hand in front of my face, before not-so-kindly flicking my forehead. "Idiot."

"Oww. Shit, that hurt."

"Your dumb gay jokes hurt my braincells even more."

"Hey!" I wrinkle my nose because Changbin's _laughing_ at me -- the _nerve_ of this guy --  "My dumb jokes are the best!"

"You're lucky you've got that stereotypical blond pretty look going on, or I would've smacked you into space -- " he suddenly cuts himself off, which catches my attention.

"Wait." I blink. "You think I'm _pretty_ looking? Thanks bro. But no homo."

"You're so stupid." Changbin's beet red ears don't match his words at all.

"Yeah, but you just admitted that I'm good looking. But don't worry, you don't look half bad yourself," I continue, laughing at the flustered yet irritated state that Changbin is in.

"Felix, shut up before I push you into the lake."

"Nah. I don't think you can lift me."

"Do you wanna bet?"

"Not really."

"So shut it so I can concentrate."

"Concentrate on how gay this is?" I chuckle. "If this was a cheesy teen romance movie, you would've kissed me by now. But then again, we're like bros so I guess 'no homo' applies in this situation once more but like -- "

Changbin pushes me into the lake.


	7. step 7: take interest (changbin)

**I BELIEVED THERE** were two sides of life. Still do. There's the right side, which occurs when things, _people_ , who are destined to be, meet, forming a balance; forming something _amazing_. The stars are aligned, and everything meshes well, because everything the right side stands for is _for_ nature, not against it. Everything flows well on that side, and nothing ever goes wrong.

  
And then there's the wrong side. That side that shows up when people who weren't supposed to meet in the first place get together, forming an abomination, a sin against nature; a _mistake_. Mistakes aren't liked by the universe, and so the universe rises up against it, and fights it. Nothing ever goes right when a mistake is made, and when one is _born_ there's bound to be storms, hurricanes that destroy their suroundings whenever they deem it fit. Mistakes aren't supposed to be alive, breathing in the putrid air of the disaster that they created just by existing. With them being there, there isn't a balance, and because of this nature in left in disarray.

That's what I thought everytime I opened my eyes early every morning, inhaling the cold, stale air that envelopes my room while being submerged underneath bitter self-loathing and hatred, wishing that I _wasn't_ awake. Everyday I'd contemplate staying in bed, wondering why I even bothered getting up in the first place anyway, but then I'd suck it up and force myself out of the house, hating myself a little bit more.

It's Friday morning, which means another day of going to a school that mentally drained me. It's when I tell myself to get out of bed that I remember today's the day of that football game students were talking about all week, and I feel even more inclined than ever to stay in my room all day.

Almost as if it's on cue, my forgotten phone that's lying on top the drawer closest to my bed goes off, its screen lighting up due to a message.

I feel annoyed and sigh, once again wishing for the millionth time this morning that I could just forget all my responsibilities, and just about everything else, and lie beneath the duvet covering my bed all day. I'm already getting agitated because of the message entering my phone, so I can't imagine how I'd feel going to a game where loud and talkative students surrounded me at every corner.

I reach over the bed and grudgingly take the phone, a part of me hoping it's not from the person I'm thinking of, while another, _secretive_ part of me is wishing that it was. That's how it is lately; two conflicting sides of me waging war with each other just because of this specific person who has managed to seamlessly weave their way into my life.

Checking the message, my suspicions are confirmed, and just seeing the contact name of this person named _Felix_ makes my heart cavity do this annoying skippy thing that I seriously _do not_ want to get used to.

**Annoying Loser: hey changbin,, good morning!**

**Annoying Loser: hope to see you at school and at the game today** 😊

I hate how one message from Felix can determine whether or not I choose to stay in bed and watch the hours pass me by like a true pessimist. Getting out of bed is easier now, and that makes me _nervous_ , because no one should be able to make me feel as if the day's actually going to turn out better than I originally thought it would.

I push my feet off the bed, hating how I can see the faint light rays creeping from the curtains cornering my spaceous, lonely room. The floor beneath my feet feels cold on my skin, but it's nothing I'm not already used to.

Like everyday, I wonder why I'm even bothering getting up and getting dressed for school, because it's not like anyone in this house would notice if I decided to skip school for a day, or even a _month,_ but then flashes of blond hair, wide, annoying smiles and freckles push themselves into my mind and don't seem to want to leave. Once again, it's nothing I'm not already used to, but it _is_ sure as hell irritating and disruptive.

I don't bother answering Felix, figuring by just checking the message that he'd know I've at least seen it, and now force myself to focus on the current task at hand, which is taking a shower and finding something edible to prepare for myself.

Even as I'm showering, my mind keeps going back to yesterday night when Felix had shown up in front of my house, _claiming_ that he was going to take me on an adventure, and even in my tired, agitated state of mind I have to fight back a snicker. Felix _has_ to be the weirdest person I've ever met, and almost the happiest too. It bothers me how Felix resembles the one person that had been closest to me so much, and sometimes because of that I get angry at the guy for just being himself.

I also remember us sitting in front of that dark lake, shoulders occassionally brushing. I remember him lying his head on my lap, how nicely his blond hair framed his face and how the light freckles dotting his cheeks made him look even better than I thought could be possible. I remember his obnoxiously loud laughter and snickers, and how his round eyes sparkled mischievously whenever we bickered about stupid topics. I remember all this with a nervous, cold feeling settling at the pit of my stomach, and it doesn't leave even when I've picked up some random clothes to wear and raided the fridge for something suitable to eat.

The house is as cold and empty as I feel while I munch on the hastily prepared cereal I made for myself. I'm seated in front of a small wooden coffee table that looks almost too shabby amongst the polished and more expensive looking furniture decorating the house. But, despite house's sophisticated looking interior, I can't bring myself to get used to any of it. I don't consider this place, however grand and exquisite it may look, as a _home_ of any sort. It's almost always empty, not like where I used to stay before. Before, almost everyday was filled with laughter, funny jokes, even funnier pranks and used, rusty bikes being ridden off into the sunset, adrenaline directing every course of their actions. Before, everything was _alright_.

But that wasn't the case anymore.

Now, there's silence, silence, and even _more_ silence. No one is around here except for me, since Diane spends much more time out of the house than inside, so I rarely ever see her. I've learnt not to let it bother me so much, and over time I've gotten used to her frequent disappearances and absence.

I bite back a groan when my phone lights up with yet another message from none other than Felix himself. I'm not so much annoyed that he messaged me, but I'm more mad at _him_ because, before he decided to text me again, I was just starting to not think about him at all. But then as soon as his contact name flashes across the phone screen, images of him and all the moments we spent together lately become the _only_ thing I think about. I dislike it a lot, mostly because it doesn't even take a lot for Felix to fill up the confines of my mind with _him_ and him alone. It's insanely annoying.

**Annoying Loser: ok ok sorry for texting you again, but i saw that you saw my text**

**Annoying Loser: aNYway, i hope you're actually coming to school**

**Annoying Loser: if you don't, i'll miss you :(**

**Annoying Loser: okay that's it! you don't need to answer if you don't want to**

**Annoying Loser: see you later xD**

**Annoying Loser: oh, and sorry for the spam**

**Annoying Loser: good bye**

My fingers graze over my phone's screen, some subconscious part of me wanting to type out a reply so Felix would know at least that I acknowledged his texts and was _grateful_ for him taking the time out to text me early in the morning, when he could have been doing something else with his time instead. And I _am_ grateful, really, but before I can type out anything I decide not to. As I said before, I believed there was a right and wrong side of life, and I thought I belonged to the wrong side. Therefore, I believed I was prone to making mistakes and being one, and due to thinking this so often about myself, there's this voice in my head that tells me that I shouldn't bother, because what's the use of trying to fight for something you know you'll eventually lose anyway? Felix will realize soon enough that I'm not that good of a person; never was, and that I was mean and self-centered and acted like a jerk time and time again. And then he'll be gone, and I'll be alone again, back to this default state of mind where it was just me, myself and I, and my constant raging thoughts.

I'd been settled within this default state of mind for quite some time now, so it isn't hard for me to listen to and do whatever it says.

***

 

The school's buzzing with an uncontrollable sort of energy by the time I step into the area this morning. I've got a few minutes left to get the books I need from my locker before the first bell rings, so I make my way to where it's located, passing through the excited students and disliking how _elated_ they feel just because of a stupid football game. 

 

When I'm at my locker, I avoid looking at anyone and gaining that unwanted eye-contact I always dreaded. I've just never liked it whenever people stared at my face too long, ever since I was little, and there was only one person that had managed to look at me for a prolonged period of time without me getting flustered or annoyed at them. Due to my dislike of being stared at, I didn't hesitate to make that fact about me known by the glares I so often gave out, resulting in others getting uncomfortable with me pretty quickly. I was well aware that many people's opinions of me and my attitude weren't that great, but I couldn't find it within me to care. And I _still_ don't care about whatever they think, at least, I don't _want_ to.

  
I really don't want to.

Someone interrupts my thoughts, that are still as conflicted as ever, and instantly my eyes flicker upwards (since I'm unfortunately shorter than _most_ people attending this hellish school), ready to snap at whoever wanted to disrupt me this time when Felix's smiling face greets my vision.

I should've already expected his presence, I presume, since he's made it his personal mission to try to talk and hang out with me as much as possible for whatever reason. I really should've, but each time he shows up and I see him, images of memories I try so hard to forget ignite up inside my mind and it makes it incredibly hard not to get affected. I try to convince myself that Felix just bears an uncanny resemblance to that person I spent most of my younger years with, and that the racing of my heart right now is due to that fact, _not_ because of his mere presence.

"Uhm, hello?" Felix's familiar deep, accented voice cuts into my thoughts, once again, and I blink, immediately furrowing my eyebrows when he waves his hand in front of my face like I suddenly can't see. "Changbin? How many fingers am I holding up?"

I glare at him, feeling more irritated when his smile just widens. If there's one thing I've learnt about the blond boy before me, it's that I've never seen him looking sad or negatively bothered for long. He's almost always smiling, and even when I manage to piss him off (like that raining Saturday when he took me to his house even though I was being a dick and going through a tough time), there's still this _aura_ of friendliness, kindness and everything else _nice and lovely_ surrounding him.

 _Lovely_. I should be used to Felix's weird, annoying antics by now, but the word that creates itself inside my mind at this moment, seeing Felix smile at me like that; that annoyingly bright, _pretty_ smile that he always carries around, is _lovely_.

"Changbin, hey," Felix starts again, his hand somehow finding itself rested on top of my shoulder. I look at it, gaze heated even though his touch burns even more, _much more_ than it should've, pulsating through my very core. "You seem to be zoning out a lot. ...You okay?"

Felix's dark eyebrows are narrowed, brown eyes concentrating on me while forming that you-can-trust-me gaze he's always fixing me with lately. I immediately hate it, because I don't like it when I'm looked like as some defenseless kid that can't fend for himself.

"I'm _fine_ ," I say, tone harsher than I meant it to. I look at him, immediately noticing the long lashes that frame his eyelids, and the little freckles that dot his face in delicate spots. Everything about the boy in front of me screams _delicate_ and _soft_ , from his light blond hair to the sky blue shirt he's doned in. It drives me crazy, because noticing him is nothing I'm not already used to, yet I _still_ keep mentally taking note of his physical traits and quirky little habits.

"Did you have a good morning?" Felix asks next, and, even though he's just asking a simple question, I feel both bothered and a little bit warm at his concern. What follows that warmth though is a cold feeling that trickles down to my stomach, and a little voice inside my mind that screams ' _Stop feeling this way!_ '

I push that thought away while nodding, and luckily Felix fills up the silence with talking about how his morning went and how he fought with his sister over some cereal that they both loved. Even with the not-so-nice adjectives he uses to describe his sister, I can tell he cares deeply about her just with the way his eyes light up when he talks about what they both do together. It ignites both a feeling of slight jealousy in me (because I'll be lying if I said I didn't want what he had), and also a feeling of light curiosity as I wonder who else, apart from his parents and sister, would be able to get his eyes to light up they way they do when he speaks about them.

Half-way through talking about his plans for the weekend where he let it slip that his birthday was in fact the next day, which is information I'd already gathered from his and Pete's conversation with Steve yesterday, Seungmin, Anna and Pete show up just as the bell rings, and just like Felix had done they ask me about my morning, being polite about it as well. Normally, when I'm not used to encountering something, every part of me fights against it, but during this moment, I can't help but think of their presence and they way they asked how my day started off as kind of... _nice_.

***

 

Friday mornings are every bit as annoying and distracting as Monday mornings (and every morning of the week to be honest), _especially_ when there's an overly eager boy seated next to you in most of your classes who just can't seem to _shut up_ about the game later today.

 

"You're coming to the game tonight, right?" Felix asks me for, what _has_ to be, the billionth time this morning alone. His voice betrays how ecstatic he feels, just like most of the student population boarding Ravenwood High, but I can't bring myself to share in his enthusiasm, even though the school day will be cut in half in order to get the school ready for the football game. " _Right_?"

 

We're both in literature class, which means the oblivious, drowsy substitute teacher and no Pete to save me from Felix's persistant questioning and round, pleading eyes.

  
"Yes," I tell him, gritting my teeth together. "So shut up."

"I'm _so_ glad you're coming though." Like always, Felix doesn't let the sterness of my voice get to him, which irritates me at times, and intrigues me other times. I'm always either angry that he can't seem to leave me alone or the least bit grateful that he genuinely seems to want to get to know me. I don't know which feeling's worse.

He continues talking, seemingly unaware of the thoughts and feelings that plague my being because of him, though the way his eyes are staring at me tells me he's noticing how withdrawn I'm becoming again. Sometimes, I hate how _easily_ he can see through me, and other times, I pride myself in the fact that I can pretend I'm okay and hide my feelings behind a metal wall, all while being acutely aware that my actions will, quite possibly, drive Felix crazy trying to figure them out.

"We should all meet up at school around 6," Felix is saying, "Since the game starts about 6:30 anyway. It'll be dark by then, at least where you live, so I could give you a ride, if you want...?"

Though I know he's well notified of the fact that I do _not_ welcome the thought of him showing up at my house again, I can still sense the underlying hope buried inside his words. A horrible, vindictive part of me wants to say no so I can just watch the hope plastered on his face dwindle immensely, but I find myself agreeing to his suggestion instead of refusing it, to my dismay.

Instantly, Felix's whole demeanor brightens, all complete with a smile that lights up his whole face. The _whole classroom_ , even. His smile is one of his most memorable traits, one that I took notice of and studied way before he ever had the insane thought of wanting to befriend me. The only difference was that then, I wasn't as interested in getting to know more than just his bright, friendly exterior as I am now. And even though my whole being, and all the principles and standards I've set for myself, stand against it; against this growing _willingness_ to let this boy know more about me like I want to know about him, I find myself unable to resist the curiosity anymore.

As always, a part of me warns me of the repercussions of letting Felix in and getting closer to him, brightly displaying all the things that could go wrong like those obnoxiously themed highlighter markers, but for once, I push that part of me to the backseat, letting something newer, something more _positive_ and much _warmer,_ and almost more _child-like_ , take the wheel instead, giving it the permission to navigate all of me while hoping that it doesn't fatally crash in the long run.


	8. step 8: vouch for attention (felix)

**BY THE TIME** it's mid afternoon, I'm unable to hide my enthusiasm at tonight's game. Okay, let's be honest, I'm only _half_ excited because of the football game since, like I said before, I'm not _that_ huge of a football fan. The majority of my excitement comes from the fact that Changbin's going to be with me tonight, breathing in the same heightened air and spending the last few moments of the day with me before my birthday.

As I'm looking through the kitchen for some snacks I can munch on and bring to the game with me ('cause our school's football games' snacks sucked, to be truthful), my phone lights up with an incoming message on the dinner table, and I head over to it, feeling too happy to be annoyed by the device's interruption.

**Peter Pan: hey felix**

**Peter Pan: you're getting ready for the game, right?**

**Felix: yea**

**Felix: you're gonna meet up with anna, seungmin and the others at the school right?**

**Peter Pan: well yeah**

**Peter Pan: unless... i can (maybe) hitch a ride**

**Felix: nah**

**Peter Pan: whatever**

**Peter Pan: i know you need your quality time with changbin, so**

**Felix: pete shut up D: <**

**Peter Pan: ok ok**

**Peter Pan: see you at the game, then :/**

I don't text him back, glad he isn't insisting on me driving him to the game and figuring he'll call Anna to come pick him up instead. No matter how bad it sounds, I wasn't really planning on bringing Pete along with me to pick up Changbin from his house because _first of all_ , I had a feeling Changbin would _not_ welcome another person knowing about his house's wheareabouts, and _secondly_ , I just really wanted to drive Changbin to the game, _alone_. That's just the truth of the matter.

Since the house is currently empty of anyone else apart from me, I wait until it's a few minutes past five before I grab my car keys and head towards my car parked in the garage. I've made sure beforehand that I won't have to stop in the middle of the journey to Changbin's house for gas, having prepared for today and not wanting to screw anything up. While on my way, I contemplate dialing Changbin's number but decide against it, telling myself he's probably going to get annoyed at me for calling him again (since it's not my first time calling him this afternoon, after all). Also, I'm not _hardcore-rebel-teen_ enough to call or text while driving.

Luckily, it doesn't take long for me to get to Changbin's house, but with seeing the building comes the usual short-lived nervousness I experience whenever I'm about to encounter Changbin. And, it's not because I'm scared of him (at least, not anymore), but it's because I'm scared _I'll_ mess up and say or do something wrong that'll make Changbin become closed off to me again. I'm outright _terrified_ of something accidental on my part coming along and bringing Changbin's and I's friendship to an unfortunate end.

Despite telling Changbin I'll pick him up definitely before six o'clock, I sit in my car for at least five minutes doing something similar to breathing exercises because of what? Because I'm _nervous_. I'm _actually_ nervous, because what if I do something tonight that makes Changbin regret ever agreeing to being friends with me? He already said football games weren't his thing, so by making him go to one of them with me and the rest of my friends anyway showed that _I_ was putting _him_ in a position where he would be out of his comfort zone. I didn't take his interests in mind, too focused on bringing him to the game just because that was what _I_ wanted, _not_ him, and now there's a high probability that he's somehow pissed at or uncomfortable around me because I'm basically _forcing_ him to do this whole thing.

 _Shit,_ I think, _I'm such a bad friend_.

I hurriedly grab my phone from where it's placed next to me, almost dropping it one too many times because of my impatience, but I'm not in the state of mind to care too much. I'm planning on calling Changbin and telling him that he doesn't need to follow me to the game if he doesn't want to, and that I don't want to force him into anything he isn't at ease with.

But before I can even press a digit of his number into my phone, its ringtone for Changbin fills up the confines of my car and I almost drop my phone (again) due to how startled I become.

 _Confession_ by ASTRO (I love that song, okay?) plays while I fumble for the answer button, and when I finally do I press the phone to my ear and inhale a huge breath.

"Oh, uh, h-hi," I say in the coolest way possible.

"Felix, why are you still in your car even after like, five minutes of being inside? Aren't you supposed to come pick me up?" Changbin asks, straight-to-the-point, as always. Even though the irritation in his voice is as clear as day, I can still pinpoint the slight edge of worry embedded into it.

"Well, uhm, I'm sorry? No -- that's not it, I -- " I shake my head, feeling like banging my head on the steering wheel and letting the horn it emits drag me into a state of numbing oblivion, "I'm not making any sense. Okay, I just -- I just want to let you know that, it's _okay_ if you don't wanna come to the game tonight. I'm _not_ going to force you. It's _totally_ fine, totally a-okay, and I don't want it to seem like I'm peer pressuring you or -- or anything -- "

"Felix -- "

"And it's because I care, you know? If you want, we can totally crash in instead of going to the game, your house or mine. Though mine seems more comfortable, not that your house isn't great or anything! I didn't mean it in a bad way -- "

"Felix!"

I blink, Changbin's voice doing a good job of shutting me up, and I'm grateful for that even though I'm starting to feel embarrassed for all my rambling earlier. "...Yeah?"

"Look outside."

I do, peering out my side of the open window and seeing Changbin outside of the gates, doned in a white long-sleeved turtleneck, black jeans and dark vans adorning his feet. Almost immediately, a grin makes its way up my face.

"You're coming?" I ask, figuring there and then that my brain has decided on being stupid today.

Changbin is already seated in the passenger side of the car before he answers, "Yeah, obviously."

"You...You look great," I state the obvious again, still grinning like an idiot. Changbin catches my smile and I can already tell he's uncomfortable by my unwavering stare.

 _Felix, now is not the time to start acting like a creep!_ My mind chastises me, but it's not like I can help it. It's happening a lot lately; me staring at Changbin longer than I'd like to admit. It's like whenever my eyes land on his face, they don't seem to want to leave.

"Can you... _quit_ staring at me like that?" Changbin voices out after a couple awkward seconds of us just staring at each other, and I look away, clearing my throat in the process.

"Uh...sorry," I cough, starting the car. When Changbin's busy with his seatbelt I sneak a quick peek at him again, not failing to notice how red his ears have become.

The ride to the school covers a decently long distance, and I try not to let the silence between Changbin and I for the first half of the ride get to me (I _try_ really hard), but then I can't take the awkward atmosphere surrounding us anymore and decide to do something about it. But, instead of breaking the silence by small talk like a _normal_ human would do, I reach out towards the car's radio station and while haphazardly searching for a station, my hand freaks out and then obnoxiously loud and bad rap music starts to play. My eyes widen in alarm and as I try to put it to another station, my hand decides it just _doesn't_ want to cooperate today (of all days) and instead turns the horrible music's volume up a notch.

I fumble with the stupid radio while Changbin looks like he'd rather be anywhere rather than here right now, and in a few seconds the music dies off and the car becomes submerged in thick silence.

"Oh, my, god," I let out, not knowing whether to feel embarrassed or have a mental breakdown because of what just happened.

But before I can do either of those, an unmistakable snicker leaves Changbin's lips, then a giggle, and then Changbin starts to laugh. _Really_ laugh, at that.

"Shit, that was _hilarious_ ," Changbin says, unable to form his words properly because he's laughing too much, and then I decide that yeah, the situation _was_ funny (although _really_ embarrassing), and I crack a chuckle as well.

We lock eyes for a brief second, but that's all it takes, really, for the both of us to burst out into full-blown laughter, and just like that, the atmosphere between us gets lighter.

"Okay, but really," Changbin starts a few seconds afterwards, "I wanna hear that song again."

"Uhhh, _nope_. No way in _hell_ ," I tell him.

But Changbin doesn't listen to me, and in a few seconds, autotuned atrocity about babes and money and whatever else the rapper's talking about fills every corner of my car.

"Okay," I say, raising my eyebrows, "you _didn't_."

"I _did_ ," Changbin laughs, looking _way_ too satisfied with this outcome, _especially_ considering the kind of music that's playing.

"Turn it off, or else," I say, trying to sound threatening but failing. I try to hold back a snigger when the rapper's voice cracks. Honestly, what kind of radio station even _is_ this?

"Or else _what_?" Changbin's doing no better at hiding his laughter.

"You're dead."

Changbin turns the volume higher, raising an eyebrow at me in defiance, and although this is totally the worst time to be thinking this, but I can't help but think about how _hot_ he looks right this second. The pull he has on me, and how his eyes lure me in is outright _insane_.

"Okay. You're _soo_ dead."

I stop the car (close to a parking spot, mind you), figuring we still have a few minutes to spare before the football game starts. I'm immensely grateful to my friends for not blowing up my phone with different texts of where Changbin and I could be, because being here in this car with no one else but a laughing, teasing Changbin around is _seriously_ something I want to memorize every single detail of.

Before I can think too deeply about my actions and push myself out of doing it, I place my hands on Changbin's sides and start to tickle the heck out of him, unbuckling his seatbelt in the process. Changbin, as it turns out, is _really_ receptive to tickling, because in an instant he's crying out in laughter and trying to push me off him.

"You're so ticklish!" I exclaim, grinning in delight, face hovering inches away from Changbin's own. He glares at me in response, still unable to hide his laughter until he grabs onto my hands and starts tickling _me_ instead. And I'm a sucker for tickles.

"Okay -- We -- _I_ should really get to driving, 'cause of the -- of the game," I wheeze, trying to push a smug looking Changbin off me. "Let -- let me go!"

"That's what you get for tickling me first!"

"It was just a joke!"

"And this is just a joke too!"

" _Changbin_!"

" _Felix_!"

I glare at Changbin, getting a distinct feeling that he isn't planning on letting me go anytime soon. And I, determined to do _whatever I can_ to get Changbin to _stop_ tickling me, make myself rest my hands on top his shoulders, letting them run down his sides slowly until they cup his waist.

"Let go," I try again, turning a bit red-faced because of how much I've laughed and because of what I'm doing right now; whatever the heck _this_ is.

And Changbin does. Oh, he lets go so _quickly_ I might as well have been sizzling molten lava. And, even when I've started driving again, Changbin utters not a single word, expression back to one I cannot read _at all_. The only thing I can tell from his expression is that his ears are _still_ as red as my face was earlier.

And if I wasn't so caught up in my confusing, racing thoughts, I would've tried breaking the silence that enveloped us.

***

  
By the time I arrive at the school, the loud chatter coming from the bustling students surrounding Changbin and I is enough to distract my racing mind for a bit. Excitement for the game is clear as day on everyone's faces as they're either talking with their friends or walking with a couple of their family members. I snicker a little at the thought of me bringing Liv along to a _football game_ ; just one of the many things she dreaded.

"We should... we should probably go meet the others," I say while rubbing the shell of my ear, suddenly hyper-aware of Changbin seated only a couple inches away from me.

Changbin, much more better than I am at hiding his emotions, just nods, and before I know it, he's already out the car. With him gone, I go find a decent parking spot. When I leave the car, I don't even have the luxury of getting at least a feet away from the vehicle before I'm being tackled by something with arms.

"What the -- " I start but get interrupted when that thing with arms unceremoniously ruffles my hair and shoves my shoulder a little too roughly.

"Felix, what took you and Changbin so _long_?" Pete questions, laughing when I glare at him and push him away. Looking past him, I can see Seungmin and Anna with Changbin not too far away from us, and I can see they look amused by Pete's and I's exchange.

"Fucking traffic, headass," I effortlessly lie, looking away from Changbin when we lock eyes and watching Seungmin instead. He's got a backpack on, and looking at it makes me remember about the snacks I should've brought to the game, but had forgotten. "Shit, I forgot to bring the snacks."

"No worries," Seungmin waves it off, patting the backpack that's slung over one of his shoulders. "I've got just enough for everyone. But, someone's gotta sacrifice their wallet to pay for the drinks though."

"Dude, I'm super broke. _Broker_ than broke, even," Pete replies.

Seungmin raises his eyebrows. "Did you like what, spend your money on weed or something?"

"Dude, of course," Pete answers, tone extremely sarcastic, "What kind of basic white guy would I be if I didn't get stoned at least once in my life?"

As they continue to speak, their words pass through one ear and out the other. My eyes are primarily focused on Anna and Changbin who are simply talking, like other normal human beings who do normal human things. Yet, I feel my skin prickling with something _unidentif_ _iable_ and really distracting.

Anna's doned in a lilac purple sweater, brown hair pulled into a loose bun and some loose strands curled around her face. Ever since I've known her, I've always acknowledged how effortlessly stunning she looked, even though I rarely, if ever, had crushes on anyone. With her amber brown eyes, heart-shaped face, full lips and her adorable British accent and personality, it won't be hard for any guy to fall for her. _Even_ Changbin could like her.

I push that unsettling thought to the back of my mind, choosing to focus on the present, which comprises of listening to Pete and Seungmin bicker (with Anna occassionally joining in at times), and staring briefly at Changbin when he isn't watching as we all head to the school's stadium for its football game.

***

 

Despite not knowing jack shit about football, I _do_ know enough to know that our school's team will probably win the game, and it's _pretty_ obvious why. The opposing team sucks so bad, it was almost _laughable._ And even though I'm entertained by all that while practically inhaling the snacks Seungmin brought with him on the bleachers and having a sip from the drinks Changbin volunteered to buy, surprisingly, my attention is more or less trained on Changbin and Anna, who are talking, _again_. And it's weirdly upsetting, because Anna, being the cool and lovely and funny girl she is, makes it _so_ incredibly easy for Changbin to smile around her, even if it's not much. He looks so comfortable with her, it makes me crunch on my popcorn a little too hard which makes me accidentally bite my tongue.

 

I cringe at how idiotic I'm being for Anna and Changbin simply being friends, and my eyes water from the pain my tongue is in. _Son of a bitc_ \-- 

 

"Felix, you alright?" Seungmin asks, and my eyes finally snap away from Anna and Changbin, landing on his face instead. "You look a little red..."

 

"It's nothing. I'm fine," I lie, looking at Ravenwood's cheerleaders who are busy with their formations and chants, trying, and succeeding at getting the crowd more excited. My eyes unintentionally land on the team's high flyer, Stacey Green, her smile wide and her blue eyes as sparkly as ever. She's among the more well known people in our school, the typical popular blond cheerleader that everyone liked. Only, she was really nice to others, despite being Mrs. Green's neice, and we, sort of, kind of, _dated_ a while back.

  
"You sure?" asks Seungmin, watching the cheerleaders too, all bright smiles and over-the-top enthusiasm while the football players glare at each other over the field and their coaches aggressively shout at them and blow on their whistles.

We both don't talk for a while, until Seungmin remarks, "...Is it about Stacey?"

" _What_?!" I more or less exclaim, both relieved that he isn't suggesting that I'm acting the way I am because of Changbin, and extremely taken aback that he's insinuating that I _may_ like Stacey, even after all that happened. "No! I -- Why would you think that?"

"'Cause you guys dated, _duh_ ," Seungmin says like he's stating the morning news.

"I wasn't into her like that. You, of all people, should know that," I tell Seungmin, and something in my tone makes him drop the subject, luckily. Dating Stacey then was something I shouldn't have done, but something I did anyways due to the desperation I felt at that time. I look at the cheerleaders again, only for my pulse to pick up (and not for the reason you think) when I see Stacey looking at me. She flashes a smile and gives me a little wave, and I wave back and quickly look away, feeling tense all of a sudden.

Feeling someone's eyes on me, I look up and Changbin's eyes lock with mine while Anna and Pete are busy talking about something. And judging by his expression, I can tell he's been watching me the whole time and he doesn't look particularly happy. But before I can say something, or wave, or smile or _do_ anything, really, Changbin glances away, thereby shutting off any sort of communication that could have happened between us tonight.

I decide there and then I don't like football games as much anymore.


	9. step 9: gift of the heart (felix)

**WAKING UP THE** next morning proves to be easier said than done, _especially_ doing said action in a good mood. I'm _far_ from feeling jovial when I hear my name being repeated several times in the span of a couple seconds in an annoying squeaky tone that I get quickly irritated by, and it doesn't help that I know exactly who that voice belongs to.

"Felix!"

When Olivia, my dearest sister that I love _so_ very much shouts my name once more, I fight the urge to throw my pillows at her face and instead block my ears with them.

This doesn't seem to get Liv to stop with her annoying shit, because in the next second, she leaps on my bed and starts jumping on it.

"Felix." Jump. "Today." Jump. "Is." Jump. "Your." Jump. "Birthday." Jump. "So." Jump. " _Get up_!"

I wonder who I killed in my past life to deserve _this_ early in the morning, and finally my eyes crack open as I glare daggers at my little sister who looks as smug as ever.

Olivia smirks at me. "Ready to have the best birthday ever?"

"You say that every year. _And_ ," I rub my head, feeling a headache coming on, "get off my fuc -- get off my freaking bed."

Olivia places her hands on her hips. "How 'bout no?"

"Olivia -- "

The door to my room bursts open, and in comes my parents clad in their pyjamas, cheesier-than-cheese-pizza grins on their faces. Dad's holding a camera, capturing in exquisite detail my puffy morning face and crazy bed hair.

" _Daaad_!" I immediately groan, shielding my face from the camera lens' view while he just zooms in and mom claps her hands in delight. "I look horrible!"

"You do, but that's not the point," my mother chuckles, ignoring the dramatic gasp I give her in response to her words. "The point is, it's your birthday, and since it's your birthday, we're _allowed_ to be cringey, cheesy parents for the day. So, smile wide Felix! Your dad and I want to see those lovely pearls!"

"Mooom," I reply, turning my face away while Liv laughs at my discomfort. I pout. "I don't wanna take any pictures! I just want to sleep."

"No can do, son," Dad answers. "Our family photo album's getting rather dry. Say, honey," he looks at my mother, "what should we name this album?"

"What about 'Our Felixieboobear's 18th Birthday?'" Mom suggests, pretending not to notice how my eyes have considerably widened. "Has a nice ring to it."

"I agree. But I think 'Lixiebooboo's sweet 18th' sounds better. We can put it on the Facebook!" dad nods, while Olivia almost falls from my bed from laughing too much. I know what my parents are trying to do, and depite my less than amused mood, I end up giving into their wishes.

"Okay okay!" I exclaim, rubbing my tired eyes. The headache hasn't subsided still. "I'll take the pictures! _Jesus_."

It's not that I'm not thankful for my parents doing this for me, because I really am. My parents are really kind people, unbothered by the current day's trend of divorced and seperated parents, and I can tell that they really care about Chan, me and Olivia, and about each other too. I _know_ that's something many kids don't have the luxury of having, and that I should feel incredibly lucky I've got parents who want to celebrate my birthday with me, but my mood this morning is strangely down in the dumps.

I'm not in the best state of mind, and the usual smile I should have plastered on my face is nowhere to be found. My strange mood started off right from yesterday night's football game after Changbin witnessed Stacey's and I's exchange and shut me out again. Ever since then I've been silent and a bit temperamental, and even when I drove Changbin home after the game had ended, I spoke so little to him. It wasn't hard figuring out that my silence _did_ , in fact, bother Changbin, and for once, _he'd_ been the one who tried to fish for conversation starters to try and get rid of the tension between us. My sour mood didn't allow those conversations go far though, and I didn't bother giving Changbin a clear answer when he asked if I was okay before he went inside his house. During the course of me driving him home, I understood why Changbin often got annoyed with me whenever I kept asking if he was fine.

With me agreeing to my parents' wishes of taking 'lovely' birthday pictures, it apparently also means getting subject to an even _cheesier_ birthday breakfast, complete with a badly written, _and_ sung, birthday song to me, courtesy of my little sister. I still appreciated her efforts all the same. We have everything under the sun to take for the morning, _except_ for a traditional birthday cake, since, surprisingly, my parents weren't particularly fond of it. I'd grown accustomed to the absense of the iced, frosted goodness long ago, so I wasn't _too_ bothered about it. Plus, pancakes and cupcakes proved to be nice substitutes.

"Make a wish!" Liv tells me after she lights up the little adorable looking candles on the cupcakes -- all eighteen of them. She then whispers in my ears, "You can tell them to me, I won't tell anyone."

"Birthday wishes are _supposed_ to be a secret, dummy," I tell her, tone playful. I laugh when she just pouts. I admit, as the events of this morning commenced, my mood had lifted, even if it was just a tiny bit.

With my parents watching, my dad _still_ holding that damned camera in his hands (that's what I get for having a father that does photography on the side), and with the _extremely_ amazing view of Olivia stuffing her face off to the side added to the mix, I shut my eyes tight and promptly make two wishes before blowing the candles out, no matter how long it takes.

"Sooo," Liv asks afterwards, "what did you wish for?"

"Not telling," I stubbornly reply, moving to the livingroom area where a medium sized box wrapped in shiny paper catches my attention. My mood lightens even more when I read the tag attached to it, which says that the gift is from my older brother. I stare at my family with wide eyes. "Channie got me a present!"

"Of course he would, Felix," mom tells me, laughing when I practically leap on the couch and grab the box without a moment's hesitation.

"Go on," Dad urges, still holding that camera, but at this point, I don't care anymore. "Let's see what's inside. And try and save the wrapping paper, will ya?"

"No promises," I breathe, before my hands impatiently tear the decorative paper to shreds. A grin that almost splits my whole face appears when my eyes fall on the gift's contents. In it holds those new set of headphones I'd always wanted, and I immediately remember all the times I rambled _on and on_ to Chan in our Facetime chats about them. Beside it is the latest TWICE album, and I let out the laughter I'd been holding in before now. It was an inside joke -- me calling the kpop girl group _sunbaenims_ when Chan was home, and then saying that I aspired to be in a kpop girl group one day. I can't believe he actually brought me their album as a birthday gift, but then again, I'm _really_ glad he did.

I read the note attached to the album.

_Happy 18th birthday, my dearest baby brother! I'm so sorry I couldn't make it home today -- uni has been hell lately -- but I hope these presents make up for it. I also hope your dream of being in a girl kpop group comes true one day! It's not too late to start practising now, right? The TWICE album can help you start off xD xD_

_I believe in you, Felix!_

_p.s. I'll be home before thanksgiving, I promise_.

By now, my mood has soared considerably, because _now_ I know Chan will be home soon. Even though Chan was adopted by my parents even before I was born, I'd always considered him as _my_ older brother, one that I respected, cared about, and looked up to. I really loved the guy -- still do, actually. My grin brightens when I realize _one_ of my wishes has been granted, and it hasn't even been a full day yet.

***

 

Even though my friends (luckily) weren't around that morning to celebrate the first half of my birthday with me, they still served their purpose of being _such_ great friends by sending me various memes of my face with 'hilarious' captions and emojis, even taking to Instagram to share their _love_ for me to a broader audience. Fortunately for them, but unfortunately for me, I discovered I had _quite_ a lot of meme-worthy material under my name. It isn't my fault though, since I tend to make the most inappropriate faces at times, and even though I could have really done without the -- admittedly funny, _and_ embarrassing -- pictures of me plastered all over Instagram by the people I call my friends, I still appreciated their efforts and 'creativity', having a good laugh over some of the memes they shared.

 

Since today's a Saturday, a lazy day for me mostly because it's my birthday so I'm exempted from most chores in the house as a result, after taking a shower and freshening up I waste a couple hours texting my friends and commenting on their pics of me on Instagram, saving all the boring and time-consuming stuff (like homework and the script for drama class) for later. Time and time again, I get the thought of texting or calling Changbin but end up cowardly backing out, hoping with all my heart that he doesn't happen to have an ig account.

  
When my phone's clock displays 1:18 PM, the device _dings_ with some messages... from Changbin.

I instantly sit up from where I lay sprawled over my bed, my phone almost landing right on my face as a result. For some unknown reason, my heartbeat starts to increase as I open up the messages, along with an unmistakable feeling of guilt welling up inside me at not bothering to text Changbin ever since morning.

 _"Fuck, fuck, shit, fuck..._ " I intelligently mumble to myself as I prepare to read the texts, hoping it's not anything bad.

**Dark Cutie♥: Good afternoon Felix**

**Dark Cutie♥: I hope your birthday's going well so far I guess**

**Dark Cutie♥: Well, I hope you see these messages quick enough because I want to ask you something.**

A new message from Changbin pops in a couple seconds after, the notification almost startling me in my high-strung state of mind.

**Dark Cutie♥: I can see you reading my texts, Felix**

**Dark Cutie♥: Talk to me**

**Dark Cutie♥: :'(**

I quickly type out a reply.

**Felix: don't cry Changbinnie :(**

**Dark Cutie♥: I wasn't really crying, I just don't want you ignoring me**

Surprisingly, Changbin doesn't say anything about that little nickname I slipped in for him, and it makes me happier, even though he could've just chosen not to acknowledge it.

**Felix: I'm not ignoring you**

**Dark Cutie♥: Okay**

**Dark Cutie♥: I just, I want you over.**

**Felix: what?**

**Dark Cutie♥: Just come to my house tonight, okay? I want us to talk.**

**Felix: ok**

**Felix: I will 😁**

That emoji wasn't even enough to express how weirdly elated I was at Changbin's text message. He was _actually_ inviting me over to his house, _holy shi_ \--

**Felix: what time, though?**

**Dark Cutie♥: Six or seven is good. I don't want to take up your time**

**Felix: I'm free for today though. You aren't taking up my time, I promise :)**

**Dark Cutie♥: Okay**

**Dark Cutie♥: See you then, I guess :)**

**Felix: yeah sure**

Changbin doesn't text me back afterwards, but that doesn't discourage me in the slightest. I'm undeniably giddy, _not_ just because Changbin wanted me over at his house tonight. I was happy just for the simple fact that Changbin wanted me around him, knowing it was my birthday and hoping I'd spent it well. I have an inkling that, maybe, just maybe, Changbin _cares_ more about me more than he lets on, even though I'm sure Changbin likes to think it isn't obvious. At least, he's _waay_ more accepting of my presence now, compared to how he first acted towards me.

With this thought in mind, it becomes increasingly difficult to _not_ be impatient for tonight, and now what was supposed to be a lazy day used for nothing but new-found awareness that I'm an _adult_ now, has become one that I'm mentally counting down on as I await the latter part of the day.

 

***

 

Five thirty pm couldn't come fast enough. I barely have time to breathe as I leap off my bed and haphazardly dig through my wardrobe for nice-but-not-too-formal clothes to put on. I'd been planning on a more casual look prior to now, but whenever it comes down to Changbin and us meeting up, I _always_ end up backing out of the more laidback options and opting for the nicer looking outfits instead. Sometimes, I'm not even _aware_ of what I'm doing until Changbin and I meet up.

  
"Felix, could you come help with -- " mom's voice suddenly cuts into my cluttered thoughts when I've finally managed to exit my room, balancing my car keys in my hands while trying to button up my flannel. She smiles knowingly.

"Yeah, mom?"

"I was gonna ask for you to lend a hand with tonight's dinner, but I'm guessing you have other plans for tonight...?" Her eyes fall on my outfit, and her smile turns more sly. "Date?"

My eyes are twice their size when I hear her words, and I start shaking my head. "It's -- it's not a date -- "

"But you're dressed really nicely." Mom walks up to me, her identical brown eyes meeting mine. They're big and round, always bright and holding a hint of mischief in them, just like mine. "Your hair's even styled. Someone on your mind?"

"I'm going out with a friend -- " I pause, realizing the meaning behind my words a second too late, especially when my mother's eyebrows rise, and I shake my head again, "I mean -- I'm meeting a friend tonight. That's it."

Mom folds her arms, looking real smug. "Really."

"Yes. Really. I gotta go, mom." I'm about to leave when she voices out,

"Is it with Changbin?"

I stop in my tracks, staring back at her, wide-eyed. "How -- how do you know his name?"

My mother just chuckles, ignoring my badly-hidden curious gaze. "I know a lot of things, Felix."

" _Okaaay_. That wasn't creepy at all," I sarcastically reply, shrugging off that curiosity I feel at my mother somehow knowing about Changbin, and focusing my thoughts on said male alone instead. "I _really_ gotta go."

"Sure. Have a good night, sweetie. Don't come home too late."

"I won't." I give her a rushed kiss on the cheek and more or less run to my car, wasting not a second in getting inside the vehicle and turning on the ignition. Not even a minute later, I'm on the road, just barely under the speed-limit, though that's the least of my worries right now.

Fortunately, I don't get a ticket. _Unfortunately_ , I end up thinking about my mother's words more than I'd like to admit inside the car.

 _Date. You're dressed really nicely. Someone on your mind. Is it with Changbin_.

Those words and their implications replay over and over in my head like a broken record, and it gets annoying _really_ quickly.

" _Urrrgh_ ," I groan, turning an intersection. "No, it's not a date. Not a date. It's not a date. Not one _at all_. I'm dressed nicely... because I just wanna look nice... for Changbin." I bite my lip, not minding for once that I'm literally talking to myself. "That's it. Nothing else."

I'm unable to stop my heartbeat from suddenly accelerating when Changbin's house appears in my line of sight though, and I soon stop my car. My quick heartbeat catches me by surprise, because something like this happens rarely, or even never.

Nonetheless, I grab my phone and with slightly shaky palms, I text Changbin that I'm here. I would've called him, but I don't know how he'd react to it, though.

A few seconds later, Changbin texts me back that he's outside his house, and it's at that moment my legs decide to turn stubborn and jelly-like, making it hard for me to leave my car because _shit_ , I suddenly feel really anxious at the thought of hanging out with Changbin tonight.

Were these first date jitters? Because these feelings sure felt like one. But then again, Changbin and I weren't on a date.

My phone's screen lights up with a message, pulling me out of my jumbled thoughts.

**Dark Cutie♥: Felix? Are you coming or not?**

**Felix: yeah, I'm on my way**

Luckily, but _also_ unluckily for me, it doesn't take long for me to get to Changbin's house. Upon coming across the building, I realize that Changbin _himself_ is right here, a couple feet from where I'm standing.

' _Someone on your mind?'_ Mom's voice rings inside my head right when Changbin's eyes meet mine. He's dressed more leisurely than I am, the sky's brightly shaded and golden, peachy backdrop doing wonders against his skin, and just his mere presence in general, and it's then I recognize that _yeah_ , Changbin's been on my mind a lot lately, and it isn't that hard to figure out why, especially when he _smiles_ at seeing me and adds a little wave too.

He's actually smiling.

"U-Uh, hi," I dumbly tell him when we're just a couple centimeters apart. His smile grows in radiance at my stuttering, and I can't look away. "And uh, sorry for being late."

"You weren't late," Changbin tells me, glancing at his wrist watch.

I shove my hands into my pockets to try and hide how shaky they've become. I don't know why I'm being like this.

When Changbin looks up again, I can feel my face flushing like an overripe tomato. "Uhm," he starts while I clear my throat, trying not to seem like I'm staring at him too much. He softly punches my shoulder and chuckles. "Stop... stop being so awkward. Come on, let's head inside."

"Okay," I reply, entering the seemingly intimidating place that Changbin calls his home, all while hoping I don't do anything embarrassing inside.

***

 

"So, you mean, you made me go through _all_ that work of trying to serve you the perfect breakfast, when you could _cook all along_?" I ask, overexaggerating the shock I feel while watching Changbin whip up some perfectly delicious looking lasagna like it's no big deal. Changbin just shrugs when I gasp, leaning over the kitchen counter to watch him better. "Dude, my mom will _love_ you. Why didn't you tell me you could cook?"

 

"It just... never crossed my mind, I guess," Changbin tells me, laughing a bit at my incredulous looking expression while he puts the tray of the uncooked lasagna inside the oven, which is as every bit as fancy-looking as the rest of his house. Even with spending almost half an hour inside this place already, I'm still not over how extravagant and... _spotless_ everything looks. "I just thought about it now. ...Thought it'd be nice to return the favour and make something for you too. Since ... it _is_ your birthday, after all." He shrugs again. Our eyes meet. "You haven't had dinner... _right_?"

 

I quickly shake my head and grin. "Uh, _nope_. Even if I did, why would I pass up this perfect opportunity to eat some good ol' lasagna?" I grin harder when Changbin smiles at my words. "I'm totally not kidding about my mom loving you, though. One way to get to my mom's heart: be a great cook."

 

_And one way to make me like_ you _more: be a great cook_ , I think before I fully realize it, and then push that thought to the back of my mind. 

 

A few seconds of comfortable silence passes by, but soon I get tired of Changbin and I just trying to exchange indiscreet glances and remark, "Hey, are your parents not at home? 'Cause you know, this place's awfully quiet -- not that that's a bad thing! I'm just...curious."

 

Changbin's eyes fall on the closed oven, jaw so set I think for a brief moment he won't answer my question, and I'm about to apologize for being nosey when he replies. "I... I live with my aunt, not my parents. And um," his eyebrows furrow, "she's not around."

 

I instantly feel guilty even if Changbin became honest with me for a few seconds, hating how intrusive I can get at times with my constant questioning of everything. I should have just kept my mouth shut, but my dislike of prolonged silence always gets me in trouble. I try to apologize, but Changbin just shrugs and the atmosphere becomes awkward again.

 

This time though, it's Changbin that breaks the silence. When we lock glances, I can tell he's kind of nervous. I mean, he's not the type of guy to show his emotions readily, but I've known him enough to pick up on how he's feeling without too much trouble.

 

"I, uh, I'll be right back," Changbin says before I even have the chance to ask why he's suddenly so _jittery_ , "You can stay in the living room if you want."

 

"Sure." I nod, slowly admiring the aesthetics of Changbin's place until I get to the living room area, which is a bit smaller than the other rooms I've seen so far.

 

I gingerly sit on one of the couches, not wanting to break or damage anything with how clumsy I can get, but soon relax into the material since it's extremely comfy.

 

Before I know it, Changbin shows up right in front of me with something rather big in his arms, and I _have_ to let out a (rather unmanly) squeal, but nevermind that.

 

"You got me a _plushie_?" I say, unable to wipe off the wide, goofy smile plastered across my face. And it isn't just any plushie either, it was a soft and adorable looking, blue-grey coloured koala teddy, one that looked _sooo_ cuddly and comfortable to hold onto.

 

Changbin passes the plushie to me, and I gladly engulf it in my arms to the best of my ability, since it's kind of big. "I, uh, you like it? It's a koala... and you're Australian, and I thought it'd be nice. And...and look," he gestures to the koala's chest, and sewn with a red heart on top of it are the words ' _I love Felix_ ' enscripted in a white, cursive font.

  
"You...you actually got my name..." I don't finish my sentence though, since I'm too busying admiring the plushed koala, never imagining in a million years that Changbin would get this for me. "This is so amazing..."

A second afterwards, I'm on my feet, opening my arms and flashing my classic Felix Lee Smile. "Can I give you a hug?"

Before Changbin can answer me though, I shorten the space between us and wrap my arms around his shoulders, letting my head rest on the crook of his neck. I can feel him tense a bit under me, but just as easily, he relaxes, and my smile broadens when his arms slowly hook around my waist, creating a touch that's nothing short of electric. "Thanks for getting this koala for me, Changbin. This... it was really cute -- it _is_ still really, really cute, and I _love it so much_ _oh my god_."

I can feel Changbin nodding against my shoulder, his arms still around me as I speak. But I can't complain, since my arms are still wrapped around his shoulders. We've both chosen to ignore the fact that most people -- most _friends_ , rather -- don't hug for _this_ long, rather choosing to bask in the warmth of each other's presence and body heat instead.

"I'm glad you liked it," Changbin whispers, his breath against my skin sending light goosebumps up my neck, "And the lasagna -- "

My eyes widen, suddenly remembering the lasagna that we'd left in the oven. "Oh my god, the lasagna!"

***

  
Luckily for the both of us, the lasagna was as good as ever when we took it out of the oven to eat. Or more like, Changbin took it out of the oven with kitchen gloves _himself_ , before telling me not to 'touch or feel anything' because he knew I couldn't keep my hands to myself. His nerve, I swear.

We spend some time eating the tasty food while half-heartedly watching some shows playing on the TV. While there are several questions buzzing within my head as to why Changbin doesn't live with his parents, I force myself not to say anything about it, since I don't want to be the cause of Changbin shutting himself off to me again. I'm already perfectly content with Changbin being comfortable with me, our shoulders and knees grazing as we talk about trivial, dumb topics that don't take us anywhere.

"Felix," Changbin starts at one point after we're both done with the lasagna and I'm back to petting the lovely koala he gifted to me, "I'm...really thankful that you're my friend. I really am. Even if I get annoyed at you at times."

"Hey. It's all good," I shake my head, unable to stop smiling. "I'm glad you're my friend too. I'm also _really_ glad for this koala plushie, just so you know."

I glance up from the koala's face when I register Changbin's gaze trained on me, and I look at him as a result. "...What? Have I got something on my face?"

Changbin blinks, then shakes his head and looks away. He looked like he had something to say, but for some reason he's backing out now. And I, being my ever curious self, can't deny that I want him to tell me whatever's on his mind.

"Changbin, look, just tell me what's up, okay? I won't judge, so don't think too hard about whatever it is you're thinking about. Just do it. No regrets," I say, giving him a thumbs up for encouragement.

My breath hitches in my throat though when Changbin slowly, tentatively, takes my fisted hand in his, before stretching open the fingers to lace his _own_ fingers through them. Instantly, my pulse picks up, indescribable warmth filling _everywhere_ , from my insides down to the hand that Changbin's holding right now.

I gulp, experiencing this _feeling_ I've never ever dealt with before. It's as unfamiliar as it is addictive, and it causes my ears to feel like they're on fire.

"This is weird -- but I just wanted to hold your hand," Changbin is saying, and I just nod, feeling a bit lightheaded. "You don't mind, right?"

"Uh -- no. No, I don't," I stammer, gripping on the koala plushie too hard and telling myself to stop acting like a freak in front of Changbin and just _relax_. I stare at him, and he stares at me, whatever show playing on the television long forgotten, and I realize my second wish for today had been granted all along.

_I wish Changbin and I will grow closer and get to know each other better._


	10. step 10: be a wizard (felix)

**THE NEW WEEK** starts off as seamlessly and as uneventful as ever, expressionless students pilling up inside the prison-like establishment known as school early this bland Monday morning to partake in the ardous activities known as 'school work'. And if this was any other day, I would've been one of the frowning faces in the crowd, asking myself who ever had the _bright idea_ to create _school_ , but for once I'm not dreading the day ahead. I'm not in a bad or agitated mood either. I'm actually down for whatever the school day has planned for me, and it _may_ or may not have something to do with what had taken place between Changbin and I yesterday night. 

 

I still can't forget how I felt when Changbin intertwined his hand in mine. I can't pinpoint exactly what that _feeling_ was, but it was definitely giddy and a bit... _magical_. I admit, there was a part of me then that felt a little strange when Changbin held my hand, causing me to overreact about the whole thing when I probably shouldn't have in the first place. Even after I'd left Changbin's house, I kept on thinking about that physical contact that happened between us, my nerves lit up and high-strung and short-circuited. And when I arrived home with my koala teddy in my arms, greeting my parents and sister and then going to my room to sleep, my heart kept on racing like it was on steriods or something, making me jittery throughout the whole night. I couldn't sleep properly, replaying the whole scene in my head as if I was obsessed with it. Thinking about it now, I realize I'd never known Changbin had such soft, strong hands before.

  
"Earth to Felix Lee," the very recognizable voice of Pete yanks me out of my thoughts about, _you guessed it_ , Changbin and how he held my hand yesterday, and as I adjust myself back to the present, he continues to speak as we near our neighbouring lockers. "It appears this specimen of a young man's mind is far away in another dimension. Maybe lost in the thoughts of a certain someone? Maybe Valentine's Day has come early. Who knows?"

"Pete, what the fuck are you saying?" I ask my friend, but he totally ignores me, continuing to speak in that drawn out voice that all radio hosts seem to have.

"But, I'll see you all next time on 'Felix Being An Oblivious Idiot, As Always'!"

I sigh, putting in my locker's code combination and feeling totally done with Pete right now. "You know I hate you, right?"

" _Puh-lease_. I'm too perfect to be hated." Pete answers, taking out his own books too. "Though, ever since we've entered this school together you haven't responded to a word I said."

I shrug, hoping the action is conveyed as nothing more than casual. "Most of what you say doesn't make sense anyway."

"Right," Pete smiles, which makes me tense and which, in turn, makes me guess that he doesn't believe me. "Okay. Forgive me for being nosey, but like, your birthday was yesterday and you spent it with your family, right?"

"Duh," I reply, looking over the heads of the students heading through the halls in front of us and greeting some, feeling more and more bothered when I don't see any sign of Changbin anywhere. I really, really wish he'd be here today, because him not showing up would quite possibly mess with my mood and probably my whole day. The more students enter the hallways, the more frantic my mind becomes when Changbin's face is nowhere to be found.

"Oh my god, you're doing it again." For the second time, Pete's voice draws me out of my thoughts, bringing about a glare from me. "You're so absentminded today, Felix. What are you thinking about?"

" _Nothing_. I was listening to you," I lie, caring-but-not-caring-that-much if Pete buys my half-assed lie or not.

"Then what was I talking about, huh?" Pete asks, folding his arms and looking smug. I feel like wiping that smirk off his inquisitive looking face.

"Uhhh," I rack my brain for whatever topic Pete could have possibly spoken about during the fifteen or so minutes we've stepped into this school, "You were talking about how great you are at tennis...?" It isn't a lie though. Pete spends a couple of his weekends at this pretentious sounding tennis club, and I've been to a few of his games to know that's pretty good at the sport.

"I _know_ I am, but that wasn't what I was talking about," Pete answers, and I just shrug, trying to make it not seem so obvious that I'm searching for Changbin again.

"Then what were you talking about?"

"About how I'm gonna be holding a post-birthday party for you this week Thursday that you have no option but to go to because I'm like your best friend and you love me so very much?"

I immediately shake my head. "Um, how 'bout _never_?"

"It's just a party, Felix. Oh my god." Pete pouts.

"Yeah, and I'm not a fan of them. _Or_ the alcohol," I try and explain to him, but nearly a second later I become distracted once more, because I just saw _Changbin_ step in. "Listen, Pete, I gotta go meet Changbin for a sec. I'll be back."

"Yeah, and _you're_ going to that party," Pete responds, a big grin on his face. "And it's gonna be really nice. Everyone's gonna be there."

"Uhm, _no_ ," I say while walking towards Changbin's direction, hoping that Pete drops this absurd idea he has of hosting a party for me. Parties aren't my thing, and just like I told Changbin earlier in what felt like _forever_ ago, underaged drinking kinda sucked.

But, like it usually goes, just the mere sight of Changbin's face greeting me is enough to make me forget about whatever it was Pete's talking about.

***

  
Miss Jones' drama class that afternoon consists of going over auditions for the play, dim lighting displayed in the school's vast auditorium, and hushed whispers of students sat on chairs trying not to get caught talking by the teacher.

My friends and I are located at the upper end of the seats, the darkness surrounding us enough to cloak us in some secrecy but still allowing for us to see the outline of each other's faces. Anna's seated the closest to Pete, and I'm seated next to him, while Seungmin takes the space between Changbin and I, unfortunately. In fact, when I'd first entered the auditorium, I'd taken my seat and patted the one nearest to me, only for Changbin to _purposefully_ take the seat after that one. He tried to play it off as something done with no intentions behind it, but the mischievous glint present in his eyes said otherwise.

Nevertheless, as the auditions start and the auditorium is doused in some silence, my eyes skim over a couple pages of the script and then land on Changbin, deciding there and then that I should try and get his attention. Seungmin's actually concentrated on the students wanting to audition, which makes this arrangement almost _parfait_ (hanging out with Pete does this to you).

As the auditions for whoever wants to play Dorothy commence, I lean back into my chair and stare at Changbin, hoping he'll notice and look my way. I keep this up for a couple seconds, my gaze unchanging until Changbin's shoulders start to tense up as he realizes that he's being watched.

He looks up, and when he meets my stare I give him a big smile with a little wave added.

' _What's up?_ ' I mouth, and have to bite back a snicker when Changbin narrows his eyes at me and then looks away. To an outsider, that may have looked like he was brushing me off and being rude, but I've known him enough to pick up that he's actually a bit entertained by my actions. Motivated by this, I continue to watch him, and when he looks at me again I dramatically bat my eyelashes.

' _Stop_ ,' he mouths, but I can see he's trying his hardest not to laugh when I make an overexaggerated crying face. The irony of me being too dramatic in a _drama_ class causes me to burst into a fit of giggles, which brings about a couple curious stares from some of my classmates.

" _Changbin_ ," I whisper, leaning even further into my seat. " _Psst._ _Hey Changbin._ "

Changbin is so obviously ignoring me, burying his face between his copy of the script and trying to seem as if he's reading the words. _As if_.

" _Changbin_ ," I whisper once again, not really sparing the girls who are auditioning a glance. Anna and Pete are too immersed in a conversation of their own to give me the time of day, and Seungmin is _still_ focused on the auditions, though it's pretty clear he can hear my incessant whispering.

The grip Changbin has on his script tightens, and then he drops it and glares at his lap, and for a second there I think I'm _actually_ annoying him. That is, before he stares at me, the sides of his lips twitching with an oncoming smile.

" _Please, shut up,_ " he tells me, before picking up the script again. He hasn't looked away yet, so I try to use that opportunity to the fullest.

When one of the auditoners, a girl named Janice who can _actually_ sing, starts with a song, I bat my eyelashes at Changbin again and give him a wink.

 

Changbin raises his eyebrows, looking a bit surprised, along with another emotion present in his gaze that I can't read. There's a softness to his expression that I don't expect, but before I can reply with something his gaze hardens and he goes back to his neutral disposition.

 

I wink at him again, this time adding a blown kiss to the equation. It's fun to do, not to mention _hilarious_ as heck, and with how dark and quiet everywhere is I feel like I'm giving Changbin some secret message that no one else knows about. Changbin frowns, fixes me with an are-you-serious look, and then he's chuckling and shaking his head. But for me, that's not enough.

 

"Seungmin -- " I start to say, but Seungmin himself cuts me off.

 

" _Yeah yeah_ , I'll change seats. I can't bear you two's whispering any longer. Now scooch over," he tells me, and I gladly comply, taking the seat next to Changbin in the next second.

 

"Go away," Changbin says before I can even open my mouth to tell him something.

 

"Uh, I don't think I _want_ to do that," I answer. We're so close now that our legs are almost touching, and I playfully kick his foot. He glares at me, and I just wink again.

 

"Jesus, Felix, you're crazy," Changbin states, but he doesn't say it in an offensive way. With the way those words leave his lips, his statement almost sounds... _endearing_. 

 

"Crazy can be a good thing."

 

" _Right_. Anyway," Changbin stares down at the center stage where Miss Jones is talking to a few students about whatever drama teachers talk about, "...are you gonna audition for a character this year?"

 

"Wait, how _did_ you know I already auditioned for a character?" I question even though I'm positive I know the reason why he's suddenly asking me this.

 

Changbin doesn't meet my eyes as he says, "Duh, you played as Flynn Rider sophomore year."

 

Despite me already knowing that he was going to say that, I can't help the sudden flush that takes over my body at him remembering something like _that_. "You came to the play?"

 

"Well, yeah. And, you're _kind_ of a decent actor. I guess."

 

With the way Changbin is _so_ obviously avoiding my stare, I can tell his words are the closest thing I can get as a compliment, so I take it all the same. "Thanks, Changbin. Though, I really wished I'd played Rapunzel instead, so I could pretend I had freakishly long hair for a day."

 

My joke makes Changbin chuckle, and I join in too. This sudden talk about the school's drama production during sophomore year makes me think back to the play, remembering the characters and who played who. The fact that I played one of the main characters then (when I'd only auditioned as a dare from Pete) made me realize that I actually liked drama more than I originally thought, even though I wasn't as interested with being on the big stage now as I was back then. Stacey (when she still took drama) had played as Rapunzel, and _apparently_ we'd played our characters so well that several people at that time thought we were actually dating, which made things a bit weird.

  
"And yeah," I continue, "After that show I realized I liked drama more than I thought, though I was pretty bummed then when I found out about Miss Jones' drama production rule."

Changbin looks confused. "What rule?"

"The rule about not being able to star as a main lead after you've acted as one earlier for the entire school year." I reply, before clearing my throat and doing my 'best' impression of Miss Jones' usual melodic, airily bright and enthusiastic tone. "' _I'm so sorry Felix, but after students star as main lead they can't be one again for the whole year, to allow different people from all walks of life have their chance to shine._ '" I make a big display of jazz hands. "' _But you can always try next year. Toodles!_ '"

"Did she _actually_ say 'toodles'?" Changbin asks, glancing at the stage for a few seconds before watching me again.

"Yep. I mean, she's a drama teacher after all," I reply. "Anyway, I'm not really interested in trying out this year anyway. I'm more of a behind-the-scenes, backstage kinda guy now."

Changbin laughs, placing the back of his hands over his lips to try and muffle the sound. I find it disasterously _cute_.

I don't bother looking away when his eyes meet mine. "You shouldn't try to hide your laughter. It sounds really adorable."

"I don't appreciate you staring at me so much," Changbin tells me, and I don't fail to notice how he stealthily avoids actually acknowledging my words. He looks away. "I don't -- "

"Like being stared at," I finish for him, smiling at how taken aback his looks right then. "I remembered. And yeah, I don't mean to stare, but I'm just stating a fact. You have a cute laugh."

Instead of answering me, he, once again, dodges my words altogether and picks up his copy of the script, covering his face to block out my stares. It's amusing really, just how much Changbin's willing to go through such great lengths to get me to stop looking at him.

When I actually attempt pulling down his script to try and look at him once more, he nearly knocks me out with a punch to the arm that could legit _decapitate_ someone if they were hit with it hard enough.

"Okay, _ow_ ," I say, "I deserved that."

When a small giggle leaves Changbin's lips not too long afterwards, I decide the short-lived pain was worth it. I don't tell him this, but if Changbin asks me to jump off a cliff, I'll do it if it means getting to hear one of his cute sounding giggles again.

I know it sounds weird, but whatever.

***

  
I _know_ I'll probably, _one hundred percent_ regret this, and I _know_ I've said countless times over that I don't want to do this, but I end up agreeing to attending that party Pete and the rest of my friends are planning to host for me. It's not like I had a choice anyway. It was either this or having to endure a whole week of seeing Pete's blackmail-worthy pictures of me on Instagram with inappropriate birthday captions, and I don't even know _how_ he got some of those pics.

Since Thursday's a school night, I fulfill my role of being a good, reliable son worthy of all trust by not telling my parents I'm going to a party, saying that I'm staying over at Pete's house for the night instead. Pete's been at our house numerous times in the past, so they don't question this arrangement, which is good because I'm not a particularly good liar.

The party is being held at Anna's place, which meant shit was probably going to go down since her parents were always out of the country due to their business trips, and it also helped that the house was the spaceous and expensive looking kind. That information only made me more nervous about the party.

Before I know it, it's Thursday and I'm stepping foot into the crowded floors of Anna's house, thumping music invading my senses at every corner. I admit, seeing so many people here, greeting me and giving me belated birthday wishes calms down my anxious mind a little more. I've always been a sociable sort of person, so it isn't that hard for me to let loose and forget about whatever cautious thing that's holding me back before while I try to act like a normal teenager for once.

Fortunately, I have a lot of fun talking with my friends, my other school mates and having a few drinks here and there. _Unfortunately_ , I drink a bit _too_ much and now I'm slurring a bit on my words and my senses become diluted, making me a bit confused and very, _very_ clumsy.

" _Whoops_!" I exclaim as I narrowly dodge heading straight at one of the girls that came to the party. Her back is turned, her red blouse looking almost maroon underneath the dim party lights, and it's when she turns around that my dazed mind comprehends that it's actually Stacey standing in front of me. "Uhh, hi."

Her smile immediately widens upon seeing me. "Felix, _hey_! Happy birthday, you know, even though that day's passed already. I actually wanted to text it to you on Saturday, but...I don't have your number anymore. But your birthday party's going really great!"

I blink, but then return her grin even though I feel a bit weird, especially in my head and tummy area. Actually, I feel a little uncomfortable. "Thank you! Uh, thanks for coming to my party. Pete made it for me though, but... but I guess you can call it _my_ birthday party. ...Yeah..."

Stacey nods, her icy blue eyes striking against the slim contour of her face. I suddenly notice how long her eyelashes are, and it seems to be the only thing I can focus on for a couple drawn out seconds. Changbin's face suddenly flashes through my head.

 _Hey, Changbin has long eyelashes too!_ I think. _Come to think of it, where's Changbinnie_?

"Felix?" Stacey's voice cuts through my mind's voice, and I look back at her. "Do you...do you wanna dance?"

For a second, I contemplate actually agreeing to her request, because there's no harm in dancing with someone you're casual with, but _something_ stops me from nodding along, because ever since _that time_ , I've always felt weird being alone with Stacey. It had something to do with what happened before, but my intoxicated state of mind finds trying to remember what exactly makes me so wary of Stacey a task in itself, so I don't even bother thinking too deeply about it.

But, before I can come up with answer that at least makes some sense, especially in my drunken state, something warm grabs my wrist, and before I know it I'm at the front of Anna's big house and Stacey's face is nowhere to be found.

"What?" I mumble to myself, feeling incredibly confused. My eyes then land on Changbin's form, and immediately all the confusion I'd felt prior to now dissipates. "Changbinnie!"

"You're drunk," Changbin says, more to himself than anything. He isn't smiling, expression sullen, but he's still holding my hand. And to be honest, I don't mind it at all. His touch is warm and it sends up magical tingles up my arms. He must he some sort of wizard or something. "You said you didn't like to drink."

"Yeah, _weeelll_ ," I shrug, eyes half-heartedly surveying our surroundings. Even in my dazed state of mind I manage to pick up on the fact that we're currently at the parking lot. "Pete wanted me at this party, so I thought it won't be _too_ bad if I get a couple drinks for myself."

Then, I gasp. I nudge Changbin's shoulder, and he raises an eyebrow at me. "Hey! How did you even come here?"

He fixes me with a deadpan look. "You invited me here. _And_ drove me here. _And_ we entered the house together."

" _Ohhh_ ," I answer as if I knew what Changbin was talking about. "Anyway, I'm glad you came. Now, we can both dance together at that party, instead of Stacey and I." I then giggle. "Thanks for bringing me here, since it'll be awkward dancing with my ex-girlfriend."

Changbin looks even more unimpressed than I've ever seen him at the mention of Stacey, and I fear that I might have angered him. And I don't like it.

"Hey, Changbin." I poke his arm when I notice he's being quiet again.

" _What_?" He spits, glaring at the finger that poked him. I draw my hand away, feeling a little scared. I don't like it when Changbin looks angry at me.

"Uhm, don't be mad at me. Just so you know, I don't like Stacey in a _like-like_ way."

Changbin looks away. "I never asked, Felix."

"...Well I was just saying it. 'Cause you look kinda jealous."

"Felix, _please shut up,_ " Changbin tells me, and due to the light exuded from the nearby street lamps and the moon itself, I get to see his face more. Like always, his skin is sorta pale, but unlike before his cheeks are pretty red. They remind me of strawberries. I suddenly want a strawberry.

"I like your cheeks. They're a preeeetty pink. Or red. I dunno," I say, and since I'm drunk and more prone to making terrible, horrible decisions, I reach out and then cup Changbin's cheeks with my hands. "They feel _reaaal_ soft too."

Changbin's eyes become so wide and I find it really funny, and his face gets pinker and the skin heats up under my palms. Then he's pushing me away and glaring at me too. And then I'm tripping on my two feet and landing on the ground butt-first. It feels really painful and I become a bit disoriented.

" _Owwie_..." I pout.

"God, you're so wasted," Changbin lets out, but in an instant he's helping me back up and I take that chance to wrap my arms around him, not letting go even when we've both stood up to our feet. He doesn't seem to mind either, and it's when he heads to my car that I see our reflection on the car's window. It's as obvious as day how red Changbin's face has become, and I think he looks cute as I rest my head on his chest. If I concentrate hard enough, I can fall asleep listening to the sound of his loud, speeding heartbeat.

"Felix?"

"Mmh?"

"You have to let go of me."

"Why?"

"'Cause I have to bring you to your house. You're too drunk to be at this party any longer."

" _Uhhhmm_ , my parents won't be happy if they see me like this, _sooo_ I can stay at your place for the night. Pretty please?" I bat my lashes at Changbin, and he just looks away and blushes again. He looks really cute when he does that.

"Sure. Whatever. Just get off me."

I whine relentlessly, but enter and seat in the passenger side of the car nonetheless after I hand Changbin my car keys. He closes the door for me, and when he enters his side of the car and helps me put on my seatbelt, it becomes _my_ turn to blush.

"Uhm," I start when Changbin's about to start the car, "how are you here again?"

Changbin sighs, fiddling with his seatbelt. "I already _told_ you: _you_ invited me. I came because of you. That's it. Parties aren't my thing."

"So why did you come then?"

"You know, you're dumber than usual when you're drunk," Changbin tells me, and in my hazy state I just shrug and don't take the comment offensively. I'm just glad he's here, even though I don't know how he came. Maybe he teleported here. Or _maybe_ he _is_ actually a wizard, and magically showed up because he has a wand. _Oh!_ Maybe that's why whenever he touches me I start to feel sparks!

I look at my arms and touch them, trying to see if those sparks left any marks anywhere. If they do, then I won't like feeling them so much anymore.

"...What are you doing?" Changbin asks. It's then I realize he hasn't started the car yet. It's almost as if he's _stalling_. I'd know, since I stall a lot whenever I have to do something I don't like. So, maybe Changbin doesn't want to drive me home. I try not to feel any disappointment, but it's easier said than done.

"I can tell you don't want to drive me to your house. And, it's _okay_ that...that you don't. Someone else can drive me, I guess..." I say instead, unable to hide my pout.

"What? What are you talking about? It's not that I don't want to drive you to my house tonight, because I do."

"Then why do you look so... _hesitant_?" I ask, staring at the teenaged boy next to me. Usually, I'd look away if Changbin and I stare at each other too much not to seem rude, but now I'm much braver to keep our eye contact going.

"It's...nothing." Changbin places a hand on the wheel, and then exhales a huge breath. "I know you're so fucking drunk you're probably not going to remember this tomorrow, and maybe that's why I'm telling you this right now, but...I don't drive at night. At all. I usually take buses if I _have_ to leave at night, or I make someone else drive me to where I need to go."

I blink, feeling confused once again. "Why?"

Changbin's jaw tightens. "Some shit happened, and now...now I'm not too comfortable driving when it's nighttime. Don't ask me anymore questions."

"But -- "

"No. Questions."

"Fine." I fold my arms like a whiny little toddler. "Anyway, since you're probably _not_ going to remember this tomorrow since you're _so fucking drunk_ too, just thought I'd let you know this: You're a meanie."

"Right. _Thanks_ ," replies Changbin as he finally starts the car.

"I mean it." I bite my lip. "But you're also cute. And you do nice things for me sometimes too, like driving me home and buying me a giant teddy koala for my birthday and being friends with me. I...I feel like you'd always be there for me whenever I need you around, so I think you're sorta like some _wizard_. Though most wizards are old and grumbly, not handsome and funny. Yeah, you make me laugh a lot, Changbinnie. Hey, I can call you Changbinnie, right?"

"No..." Changbin whispers, but when I look at him he appears to be a bit shaken. I laugh. His ears are _sooo_ red.

"Hey..." I wonder out loud, drawing squiggly lines on the window. "Do you think I'm handsome too? Be truthful. I can take it if you think I'm ugly."

"Felix, don't...don't ask me that sort of question."

"Why though? I'm just curious. D'you think I'm handsome? I wanna knowwww." I stare at Changbin. "Please?"

"No."

"Pleeeaasee?"

"Felix, shut up."

"Fuck, you're so mean. Sometimes, I really hate you."

"Thanks."

"I didn't mean it though. I was just kidding. I can get mad at you, but I can't hate you..."

"I know you don't."

"But really, do you think I'm handsome. Yes, or yes?"

Changbin pauses, and then, "Was that a TWICE song reference?"

"Yes!" I squeal, excited that he knows about TWICE too. "But, don't try and change the subject."

Changbin inhales through his nose and out his lips. "Oh my god."

"Answer the question, Changbinnie."

"Okay! Fine. You're handsome."

"Really?"

" _Yes_ , really! You're handsome, hot, pretty, adorable, and _so_ goodlooking. You're _sooo_ cute, it's almost _illegal_ ," Changbin tells me, face hot and palms gripping so tightly onto the steering wheel I fear he's gonna rip it right off, and naturally, hearing him say all this about me makes me happier.

He inhales yet another breath before remarking, "I think you're beautiful."

A warm flush travels up my neck and surrounds my face. "...Thanks." I say lamely.

"Whatever. Just...don't ask me anymore questions, okay?"

"Okay..." I mutter, feeling too lightheaded to think properly. Plus, I'm drunk, so.

Even though we don't talk much for the whole drive, I feel close to _satisfied_. It isn't my first time being complimented for my looks, but as it turns out, Changbin's compliments affect me _way_ more than all those other ones did. My face feels hot, my heartbeat feels erratic and I feel like I'm dreaming or something. I feel really nice, and even though I feel like this should make _me_ feel weird (since I've never felt this way before) I ignore that part of me for tonight and focus on the nicer, more _fluttery_ feelings present inside my tummy.

I don't even really care that I have school tomorrow.


	11. step 11: have a chance (felix)

**"...UGH," I GROAN** as a sliver of light pulsates through the outside of my eyelids, and it's annoying enough to bring me back into the fringes of reality. I squint my eyes, turning away from the unknown source of light as I grab onto the closest thing my hands can reach, which feels like a pillow. And usually, holding a pillow close to me is enough to get me to fall back asleep, but then I realize that this pillow I'm holding doesn't _feel_ like _my_ pillow. It's broader, velvety-smooth to the touch, and it has a different smell to it too. I sniff it before I can stop myself, liking the soft vanilla cologne exuding from it.

 _Wait_...I think, snapping my eyes open. _Am I even in my own room_?!

Suddenly I feel nauseous, my stomach doing unhealthily large flips as a sudden headache throbs through the inside of my head. Despite this, I force myself to sit up on the bed, genuinely hoping that I'm not naked or anything, and exhaling a huge sigh of relief when I see I have clothes on. But the shirt I'm wearing isn't _my_ shirt.

I look up then, unable to stop the loud gasp that leaves my lips when I suddenly spot some guy in the same faintly lit room I'm in.

In the next second, something that sounds suspiciously like a small snicker leaves the guy, and my heart only starts to function properly again when I realize it's _just_ Changbin.

 _But wait_ , I think again, _what am I doing in Changbin's room_?

"Uhm...good morning...?" I say, my voice feeling scratchy against the back of my throat. I sound as tired as I feel, and the headache I'm feeling hasn't subsided still. "I don't... What am I doing here?"

Changbin makes his way past the foot of my bed until we're less than a feet apart. His face harbours an expression that I can't for the life of me read, and I break our eye contact after a few seconds.

"Good morning, Felix," he tells me. Then he adds, "Do you remember anything yesterday night?"

I shrug, suddenly feeling self-conscious. I really hope I don't have the dreaded morning-hair right now. "Not really. I _know_ I was at a party, some party Pete planned. I...I saw you there, but I don't really remember how I got here." I rub my forehead, frowning a bit. "God, this headache's terrible..."

"I'll make you something that'll take it away soon," Changbin answers. He looks like he's thinking about something for a couple seconds, before finally making up his mind and sitting at the side of the bed. I feel even _more_ self-conscious. "Anyway, I drove you here yesterday night, since you said something about not wanting your parents to see you drunk."

"Oh my god, thanks _so much_ for that," I say, feeling incredibly grateful that Changbin took me to his place instead of mine. "Wait -- do my parents and friends know about this?"

"Since I have Pete's number, I texted him before you slept that you're at my place. He said he'd let your parents know about the arrangement and whatnot," Changbin replies. "You slept pretty late, and figuring that once you woke up you'd be hungover, I didn't see a point in waking you up early for school."

At this, the slight daze I'd been in evaporates. I realize what day it is and alarm immediately ripples through me, making my headache even worse. "Shit, I _totally_ forgot about school."

Changbin cracks a smile at my outburst. "As I said before, I figured there was no point waking you up for something you wouldn't be mentally prepared for anyway. I don't think you'd _like_ going to school when you're still hungover."

I sigh, realizing that Changbin's right. I wouldn't have liked going to school in this state I'm in, especially with _this_ kind of headache going on. We look at each other. "But, _you're_ missing school too. And, I remembered you don't like being late."

"Well," Changbin softly tugs on his hoodie strings, "what's _one_ missed day of school? Plus, I'm pretty sure not everyone's at school today."

"Yeah..." I mutter, trying to sit up more so my back won't ache. Bad move. A sharp flare of pain invades my senses for a second before going away, and I groan even more. "God, I must've drank a lot yesterday night. I really hope I didn't do anything embarrassing..."

At this, Changbin bites his lip. He looks like he's hiding something, but I'm too tired to ask him what it is. "...Nah. You were just really drunk."

"Sure. Anyway -- " I pull at the hem of my grey shirt, the one I knew definitely did _not_ belong to me. "How did I get this shirt?" Then I gasp, a bit in the mood to tease Changbin. "Did you _undress me_?"

Changbin's smile drops, and I have to let out a smile when his ears grow a startling pink. Lately, I notice his ears have been growing pink a lot. "I didn't _undress_ you. You're making it _sound_ weird -- "

"Then what did you do? 'Cause this shirt isn't mine."

"Your _actual_ shirt wasn't suitable to sleep in. And your skin was really warm by the time we got here yesterday," Changbin hurriedly explains, not looking my way.

"So you _undressed_ me and put me in a lighter shirt of yours? How _scandalous_ ," I grin, enjoying teasing Changbin _way_ too much.

I watch as he stands up from the bed and prepares to leave, looking _so_ done and annoyed with me right now. I loudly laugh. "Changbin, wait! Don't leave, I was just kidding."

"You're an idiot."

"And you love me."

Changbin sighs. His expression alone is enough to tell me he doesn't find my joke funny or entertaining in the slightest. "I'm heading to the kitchen. You can meet me there, or whatever."

"Wait, I don't know my way from he -- "

Changbin is already out of the room. I fight the urge to sulk like a child, forcing myself to get off the bed because, let's face it, I'm hungry, plus I don't like being left alone by Changbin and feeling as if I've offended him again.

***

  
I don't know how I managed to find where the kitchen's located without getting lost, but I exhale a sigh of relief when I catch sight of the familiar area, noticing that Changbin's there already. It's pretty clear that he's busy preparing something just as it's obvious that he's ignoring me.

And just like the other times he starts to behave that way, I find myself not liking it at all. I'm clueless, since it wasn't too long before that Changbin was talking to me in his room -- and joking with me a bit too -- but then I had to go ruin it all with one of my dumb jokes that I crack ever so often.

"Changbin," I start as I head towards him, only stopping at the counter and putting a couple inches between us in case he doesn't like it. That vivid memory of that raining Saturday night where I drove Changbin to my house replays itself inside my mind, and though that memory feels like a long time ago, I find myself wishing -- _hoping_ \-- that Changbin isn't as angry with me as he was that night.

"Changbin?" I try again, leaning over the marble-covered counter in order to watch him cook. When his eyes lock with mine for some brief seconds, I feel both relieved and hopeful again. I try and flash a small smile. "Did I... Did I _do_ something wrong? I feel like you're angry at me."

Changbin breaks the eye contact and sighs. "I'm not angry at you."

"But...I _feel_ like you are though," I say, staring at both my palms on the table and noticing that they've both been fisted up. "Did -- did my jokes offend you, because if so, then they mustn't have been good jokes then. And I'm really sorry, if that's the case, and I'll stop making them if you don't like them. I mean it. I just don't like it when you get all quiet and seem pissed at me -- "

" _Felix_ , like I said before, I'm _not_ pissed, _or_ angry, at you," Changbin interrupts, and his sharp tone when he says those words leave me speechless, possibly making me look like one of those flapping fishes on land that open and close their mouths over and over again to get some oxygen. He must've caught sight of my defeated expression because he adds a few seconds afterwards, "I'm sorry, okay? You did nothing wrong. It's just my mind being weird as fuck again."

I shake my head, trying to seem nonchalant about the whole thing even though Changbin's explanation about why he reacted like that only makes _me_ more nervous. "It's -- It's fine. Sorry. Just thought you were mad at me for what I said..."

Changbin bites his bottom lip so hard I fear it'll bruise before he says, "Stop. Just stop it."

"What?"

"You're making me feel all guilty for what I said, looking like a kicked puppy and all and it makes me feel even shittier of a person."

I blink. "I look like a _kicked puppy_?"

" _Yes_!" He almost exclaims, finally looking me. "You look all sad and disappointed and shit, looking at me with those really big, round eyes of yours and it messes with my _fucking mind_ , okay?"

I blink again, feeling utterly confused. "I'm -- I'm _sorry_?"

Changbin inhales and exhales. "I think you should stay in the living room."

"B-But -- " I start, not meaning to stutter but doing so anyway due to Changbin's odd behaviour, "but _why_? Are... are you _sure_ you aren't pissed at me?"

"I'm not pissed," Changbin inhales again, before suddenly walking to me. My breath unintentionally gets stuck in my throat when he steps behind me, placing his hands on my back. His touch sends up warm tingles up my skin, and I suppress the urge to shiver. Those tingly feelings feel familiar. I feel like I've experienced them before. Goddammit, what is Changbin doing to me?

" _You're_ staying in the livingroom, alright? At least until I've _finished_ with the breakfast for your hangover," Changbin continues, bringing me back to the present. His hands are still on my back. He starts to push me. "So _move_."

I let out sounds of protests, but it seems I've underestimated Changbin's level of strength, because in the next five seconds he's got me positioned in the living room, reluctantly placed on the couch as a frown and pout refuse to leave my face.

"You're a meanie," I say, glaring at him. He just folds his arms in front of me and shrugs, looking like those intimidating security guards and all. The only thing he's missing is the height. I fight back a snicker at this.

"What are you laughing at?" Changbin questions, looking none too pleased that I'm smiling.

"Nothing!" I exclaim. "You can go back to making, you know, whatever it is you're making for me."

When Changbin's gone, my eyes flit over the sitting room's interior, already familiar with the furniture inside it. And just like before, I wonder why Changbin's always alone in this big place, and why his aunt is almost never home. I know it isn't my place to ask, but that doesn't mean I'm not curious. I'm curious about a lot of things concerning Changbin, wanting to know more about him and why he acts the way he does at times. Despite the many times we've spent together recently, we've never dug deeper into more personal topics of conversation, always skimming the surface of casual, lighter ones instead. We _don't_ know each other that well, I realize.

But that doesn't mean I can't _try_ to know more about Changbin, and all of a sudden this new-found determination surges through me. I _want_ to know more about him, so I can get to understand his personality more and _be_ there for him whenever he needs me to be.

Luckily, Changbin shows up in the living room a couple minutes later, a bowl of _something_ in his hands which he places on the small table across from me. I peer down at at it, examining the soup's vaguely familiar contents.

"Wait, is this hangover soup?"

"Yep."

"And you made this just for me?"

"Uhh, yeah. I _did_ say I'd make something for your hangover, so."

I grin at him, hoping my eyes convey just how grateful I am for his kind action. I playfully nudge his arm. "Aww, thanks Changbinnie."

"Don't call me that."

"Why? You didn't seem to have a problem with it yesterday night."

At this, Changbin's composed outer appearance shatters, and he looks a little bit shocked. It's then I realize he's actually _hiding_ something that happened yesterday night from me, since what I said about him not having a problem with the nickname was just something I said for him to react to. _Bingo_.

"You remember yesterday night?"

"Well, _nope_. But I was hoping you'd tell me," I start, "As well as passing me some utensils so I _actually_ ingest this soup."

Changbin wordlessly passes me a fork, spoon and two chopsticks, and after a moment of me trying to use the chopsticks, failing at it, and then deciding to use the fork instead, I take a small sip of the admittedly tasty soup and figure that I should _probably_ start with the questioning.

"Nothing happened yesterday night," Changbin starts, and I inwardly sigh, knowing that getting a truthful answer from him was going to be difficult.

"Then why did you get all jumpy, huh?" I ask after I've gotten another taste of the soup. _Delicious_. I try and channel my inner detective, thinking through all those criminal shows I've watched before to try and see if there was anything in them I can use to help with figuring Changbin out.

Then I sigh, lowering my voice to sound more intimidating and professional. "Your body language's tense; stiff. Back arched into an almost 180-degree-angle and eyebrows crossed and nervously furrowed. You're probably sweating on the inside, and your eyes have glanced at that TV over there for the fifth time this past minute. This means you're keeping some things hidden." I lean forward, fixing the boy in front of me a conspiratory look (or what I _thought_ was a conspiratory look). "So tell me Mr. Changbin, what _secrets_ are _you_ hiding?"

Changbin scoffs, looking just about done with me and my antics. And just like that, my 'professional' facade drops and I start to laugh. "Are you high?"

"I don't _think_ so," I say, not feeling offended in the slightest with Changbin's comment. I also feel much better because the headache's going away. "But answer the question, dude. What happened the night before, I wanna know."

"And if I don't want to tell?"

"Then that'll be pretty disappointing. I'll be pretty bothered and kinda irritated, wondering _why oh why_ aren't you responding and telling me whatever happened yesterday night. Even if it's embarrassing, I can take it, Changbin. Really. Just tell me what I did."

Changbin purses his lips, looking like he wants to argue with me for a couple seconds. Then he seems to drop what ever argument he has up his sleeve and sighs. "Okay. Whatever."

"So what did I do?"

"We entered the party together, since you drove me there -- "

"Mhm, continue."

Changbin glares at me and I shut up, unable to hide my amused smile.

He continues. "You got drunk really fast and somehow ended up having an awkward conversation with your ex."

"Oh," I state, remembering briefly my encounter with Stacey. "Well, this is awkward."

"Can you stop interrupting me?"

"Okay, okay. I won't say anything else, I promise."

Changbin inhales a deep breath before commencing with his words. "So, you looked pretty uncomfortable with her around, so before you potientially embarrassed yourself in front of her I stepped in and dragged you out of Anna's house."

"Oh my god, thanks man."

One look from Changbin shuts me up and I make a show of locking my lips with an imaginary zipper and throwing away the imaginary key.

" _Anyway_ ," Changbin says, "we got to the parking lot and you acted like the usual dumb drunk teenager, stumbling over your feet and muttering nonsense." He holds up a finger for me to keep quiet just as I'm about to say something else. "I volunteered to drive you home, but you said you wanted me to drive you to _my_ house instead. I agreed. Then, we got into your car and..."

As Changbin continues to speak, his words don't register in my mind as stark, vivid memories of what happened yesterday builds up inside my head. I remembered the way he put on my seatbelt for me, touch soft and warm, remembered the way my cheeks flushed. I remembered how I basically spilled my innermost thoughts about him _to_ him, and how I kept on asking if he thought I was attractive after I'd revealed what I really thought about his looks.

 _Shit_ , I think. _I'm such a fucking dumbass_.

"Felix, are you listening to me at all?"

"I called you handsome. You called me handsome too. You called me _beautiful_ ," I suddenly let out before I can think about it, my bad habit of speaking my thoughts aloud coming into play again. When I _do_ realize what I just said, I mutter a low "Shit."

Since Changbin isn't saying anything, I look up and watch him, trying to figure out his reaction to what I said. But, just like I expect, his face betrays nothing of what he could actually be feeling.

"Is it weird?" Changbin suddenly asks, his voice catching me off-guard.

"What?"

"I asked, is it weird?" Changbin repeats, "The fact that I, another _guy_ , called you beautiful."

I'm taken aback but I quickly regain my composure, shaking my head in the process. "I -- _No_. No I don't think so. Why... why would I think it's weird?"

"Because anytime things get remotely intimate between us, or we get a bit closer than how we were before, you say 'no homo' or crack some dumb, and _kinda_ offensive joke about the situation being gay, and it's gets really annoying _really_ fast," Changbin's facial expression remains passive and nonchalant as he says this, but his eyes tell another story.

"But -- but you _said_ those jokes didn't affect you earlier this morning. I asked if you were angry at me and you said you weren't too," I say, my voice holding less conviction than I want it to. My mind races with a million thoughts, and I'm unable to form my words properly. "You ... you said you weren't pissed -- "

"I'm not pissed," Changbin cuts in. His passive expression breaks apart, the air of impartiality he had around him turning into one of clear irritation. "I just -- "

"Just what? What is it Changbin?" I waste no time in asking.

"You just -- Whenever we get up close and personal -- at least, _as up close and personal as we can get_ \-- you act all nervous and look like you're about to freak out!"

"I don't freak out!" I try to defend myself, voice sounding more frantic than I've ever heard it be. "What are you even talking about? If you're just annoyed at me that I make those kind of jokes, then I won't make them anymore. I already said so before."

"I'm _not_ pissed, Felix," Changbin tells me, and for once the irritation he feels is as present on his face as ever. "I've told you this _countless times already_."

"You could've fooled me," I mutter, "with how angry you look right now."

This conversation isn't going the way I want it to at all. In the span of less than a few minutes I've managed to get Changbin angry at me, and even if I've apologized for the joke I made earlier this morning, along with a promise that I won't make jokes like that again, he still acts like he isn't bothered by it even when he _is_ , and that's the most frustrating part of it all. All I wanted was for me to try and get to know Changbin better, but things just _had_ to turn out badly, making a complete one-eighty.

"As I said before, I'm not angry at you, Felix." At this, Changbin's voice turns noticeably softer. "I'm just... My thoughts get pretty fucked up at times, causing me get angry and lash out without really meaning to. I'm really sorry. I got all defensive."

"Defensive?" I whisper as I meet Changbin's gaze.

"It's just that," Changbin begins, folding his arms on top of his knees as if to appear smaller than he actually is, "I'm gay. That's why when you make those jokes I get a bit annoyed, but I didn't tell you anything at the time because you weren't aware that I'm _not straight_. But, I'm not angry at you, I promise."

At Changbin casually telling me his sexual orientation and, more or less, _coming out_ to me, I become speechless as my mind draws a blank. The surprise on my face is evident, and I start to blush out of embarrassment when Changbin just stares at me, a slight amusing glint in his eyes.

"You don't have a problem with that... _right_?" He asks. "I mean, I didn't think you would. That's why I told you even though I rarely tell people about it."

"Y-You're right, I _don't_ have a problem with it. I really don't," I reply, stumbling all over on my words without really meaning to. My mind is buzzing with different thoughts and assumptions, and it's something I can't control, at least not right now. The fact that Changbin isn't _straight_ makes my mind even _more_ restless, causing me to stutter and become jumpy and blush like a lovestruck school girl.

I bite my lip and watch Changbin, and he stares right back. "So... you're gay. That's cool."

He chuckles. "You're being awkward. But yeah, it's cool I guess."

"Yep. Really cool." We both look away at the same time.

I feel even _more_ awkward.

***

 

Even hours after I've gotten home, I still keep thinking about what Changbin said about him being gay. The mere fact that Changbin _isn't_ interested in girls, but _boys_ , makes me unable to sit still. My excited heartbeat doesn't stop racing, but now that's the least of my worries. All I can focus on now is that _Changbin isn't straight_ , and since he isn't, there's a high chance that he could already have feelings for a boy. 

 

And that boy could be _me_.


	12. step 12: don't plan (changbin)

**"OH MY GOD** , Pete, don't do that," Anna's bewildered, almost frantic, voice can be heard over the excited, downright chaotic atmosphere that surrounds this fast food joint called  _Martha's_ , or whatever else it's called. There's also a noticeable amount of customers who have also chosen to spend the lukewarm evening at this place, so Anna's reaction with Pete's current actions isn't uncalled for.

"Seriously," Seungmin adds, frowning with slight distaste at how Pete man-handles one of his fries as he wiggles it across his face like some kind of worm, before finally dropping it into his mouth. Despite Seungmin's obvious disapproval of what Pete is doing, his nose becomes crinkled as a short laugh escapes his mouth. "Dude, cut it out with that. Seeing a fry's greasy guts is  _seriously_  not what I want to witness, especially on my birthday."

_Oh, right_. With that, I remember the exact reason we're here right now, seated at a table for six at the lower end of this seemingly popular restaurant while indulging in unhealthy junk food lathered with  _way_  too much grease. Today's Seungmin's 18th birthday, and since the weather seemed appropriate enough to have a trip downtown, he decided that we spend the evening hanging out at any of our favoured places, since he'd spent the morning and afternoon with his relatives. At first, I hadn't been keen on spending the night out in the city underneath the skies of an unstable and bipolar weather, but, unspeakably, one text from Felix about me joining in on the 'fun' was enough to get me to tag along.

As Pete continues to partake in his  _barbaric_  act -- at least, as Seungmin and Anna are concerned -- I shuffle a bit on my seat, staring blankly at the rounded table before me. My serving of food is facing me, but I'm not really in the mood to eat anything from it. It's easy for me to feel out of place in this kind of setting, especially with all the smiling faces and loud chatter and wise-cracking. Despite the bright aura that this place emancipates, I feel uncomfortable and a bit cold. It's unintentional though -- my behaviour, that is -- and I hope it's not a dampener on anyone else's mood.

I feel a soft nudge on my arm, and I look up due to the contact. Felix's eyes and mine meet, and I take notice of his furrowed eyebrows. We're both momentarily forgotten about by Anna, Seungmin and Pete since they're too busy teasing each other, hereby leaving me to handle Felix's increasingly worrying gaze all by myself. It's clear he's questioning how quiet and unresponsive I've become tonight.

"Changbin, you good?" he asks, adding a small smile along with it like he always does whenever it becomes obvious that I'm moody again. Maybe he does that to make me feel better, or something. Either way, I don't necessarily mind it.

"Yeah," I tell him, "but I'm just not in the mood to eat anything right now." His other friends aren't teasing or bickering with each other as before anymore, which means there's an increasingly good chance of them overhearing our conversation and potentially butting in. So, to avoid this, I push my serving towards Felix and force on a smile even though I'm feeling nothing close to content on the inside. "You can have it, if you want. I'm not that hungry anyway."

"Are... are you  _sure_?" Felix questions, his voice barely above a whisper. Like me, he doesn't want his friends overhearing our conversation. "You didn't take anything ever since we came here, didn't drink anything either. And I don't think you even  _had_  dinner before -- "

"I'm okay. Really." I waste no time in replying, and I cringe at the way I cut him off. Like most of what's happening with me tonight, it's completely unintentional. I bite the inside of my cheek, hoping he doesn't take my actions the wrong way.

Luckily, before Felix can answer with something that can potentially leave me reeling with guilt, Pete notices my not-so-subtle food exchange with Felix, and decides to comment on it. For once, I'm relieved that he's turning this conversation into another route, even though he can be a bit obnoxious at times. I don't think Pete means to come off that way though, so I don't mind that part of him. Plus, he's sort of humourous.

"Felix is getting another round of fries? I, am,  _jealous_ ," Pete's saying in a tone all too dramatic, but it brings a small smile on my face anyways. "Changbin, this is  _just too cruel_."

"Nah," Felix answers, and all of a sudden I'm extra aware that he's seated the closest to me. So close in fact, that I can feel the material of his cotton cobalt blue hoodie rubbing off against my arm anytime he moves. It causes a burning sensation that I can't ignore. "He's doing us all a favour."

"I know right," Seungmin laughs, "Fries are supposed to be eaten, not butchered to pieces like a pig."

"That was kinda gross," Anna inputs, scrunching her nose just in the tiniest bit. She playfully shoves Seungmin. "This is why I'm quarter of a vegetarian."

"That doesn't even make any  _sense_. How can you be  _quarter of a vegetarian_?" Pete asks, looking incredibly confused.

"Simple. I'm already one," Anna responds, only grinning while Seungmin laughs at Pete's puzzled looking face. And I admit, it's pretty funny to look at. With them occupied once more, it leaves Felix and I alone, which means sooner or later he's going to start questioning me again.

I move uncomfortably in my seat again. This place -- Martha's -- is pretty chill, the air conditioning obvious as it blasts over the customers inside it. The temperate warmth coming from outside with the artificial coldness encompassing the restaurant's interior causes this weird situation where I feel hot and cold at the same time. The plain white shirt I'm wearing isn't helping either, and before I know it I fold my arms together to try and fight the goosebumps that have erupted across my skin.

"Are you cold?" Felix then asks, and before I can reply he's zipping down his hoodie, very clearly wanting to offer it to me. But, despite his considerate action, the last thing I want is for him to draw unnecessary attention to us from his friends or the other people sitting near us.

I shake my head, hoping he won't prove stubborn. "It's okay. I'm not cold."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." I stare at him, and once again I'm startlingly aware of our close proximity. With his comfy looking hoodie, lightly tanned skin, blond hair and the freckles that dot his skin, I notice how unrealistically attractive he is,  _again_. Felix is unapologetically handsome, and it gets to my head at times, and now is one of those times.

I look away, hoping he doesn't find my behaviour strange. But then again, I shouldn't worry about what he thinks of me. I  _really_  shouldn't, but lately whenever he suggests we do something together, I  _always_  end up agreeing, even if I'm not that enthusiastic about it. I blame it on how persuasive Felix can be.

"...Okay," he finally lets out after a couple seconds of staring at me. I really don't like it when he does that, and not for the reason you're thinking. Lately, whenever he watches me for an elongated period of time, I become a bit self-conscious, and experience this burning feeling that lodges itself within my chest. I become jittery (inwardly, at least), my thoughts hay-wired. And naturally, I don't like it because I feel totally out of my element.

"Wait," he adds, tone apologetic, "You don't like being stared at. Sorry."

I shrug, even though I feel immensely more relieved when he drops it with his staring. The racing heartbeat is still there though, but I don't know what to do about it. "It's okay."

As Pete and Seungmin bet over something that's probably dumb and would cost them money, I feel a light, almost faint tap on my knee, and I look down. It's Felix's hand, fingers spreading apart and doing some kind of weird dance or something. I raise a confused brow at Felix, bit he just urges me to look back at his hand. I do as he says, seeing that his hand is now lying across my thigh, palm faced up.

When I stare at Felix again, he displays a playful sort of wink. "Hold my hand, it's warm," he whispers.

"Really?"

"Just do it," he presses, and I let out an almost silent sigh and do as he says. True to his words, his hand  _is_  warm, and I don't feel as cold as I was before anymore. Though it's not our first time holding hands, his touch doesn't fail to make me nervous, in that weird, fuzzy way again. My mind freaks out again, a million thoughts racing through it.

"See?" Felix says. "I'm like a warm human-sized pillow."

"You're weird," I reply. I always reply with a not-so-insulting insult whenever Felix does something that makes me react in ways I shouldn't be reacting in the first place. We're just friends, and yet here I am, buzzed with adrenaline and ears burning just because we're holding hands. It's pathetic, really, because since when do I act so  _soft_  over what this dumb, oblivious and goodlooking Australian boy does?

In response to my comment, Felix just tightens his hold on my hand while eating the rest of his food like he isn't doing something that affects me more that it should be.

 

***

 

 

The previously magenta orange skies have dimmed into this conservative purple, minimal stars sprawled across it. Despite its simplicity, I find myself looking at it for more than I'd like, my feet shuffling themselves inbetween tufts of grainy sand. I'm at a local beach, along with Felix, Pete, Anna and Seungmin, and Anna had the idea to leave our shoes somewhere for the time being and enjoy the 'pureness of the waves' or something. Either way, I admit it isn't a bad idea as I find myself calming down considerably being at this small, quiet beach.

 

 

Not too far ahead of Felix and I (since he decided to stay the closet to me), are Anna and Pete, the latter of the two giving her a piggyback ride. Seungmin is the only one actually enjoying the beach for what it's worth, already submerged ankle-deep in the sluggish waves of the sea.

 

 

I stare at the sky again, this time totally aware of Felix watching me. "What?"

 

 

"You've been staring at the sky repeatedly for the past few minutes. What's up there? A constellation I don't know about? A secret message from your true love?" I watch him and he wiggles his eyebrows.

 

 

I just shake my head and laugh, since his assumptions are so far off. "You're a strange person, Felix."

 

 

"Hey, that's what makes me so charming," he answers. He stares at Anna and Pete, before his features light up into something I can only explain as mischievous. His round eyes are bright with excitement when he stares back at me. "We should totally do what Pete and Anna are doing."

 

 

"What? Piggyback riding?"

 

 

"Yeah, of course. It'll be fun."

 

 

With Felix's childlike features and personality it's easy to mistake him as someone much younger than his age, even though he's taller than me. It's this youthfulness and  _naïvety_  that he incoorperates into almost everything he does that makes it  _so_  incredibly hard for me to turn him down, hence me agreeing to his proposal even though I'd rather eat glass than give someone a piggyback ride across a beach for no specific reason.

 

 

"Whatever," I say, even if the thought of having Felix so physically close to me makes that fuzziness spread in my chest like an icy chill I can't get rid of. Before any further discussion of who carries the other person can be made out, I lower myself on the sand. "Get on. Quick, before I change my mind."

 

 

Felix doesn't waste any time in getting on my back, and soon enough his arms are wrapped around my neck, while I support his weight by placing my hands underneath his knees to make sure he doesn't fall.

 

 

"Woah, I don't think you carrying me made that much of a difference in height," Felix cheekily mutters on my neck, his warm breath tickling my skin and bringing about unwanted goosebumps.

 

 

"You fucker," I mutter, but he laughs, and then I'm laughing too. "You're lucky I didn't drop you after you said that."

 

 

Felix continues to laugh, and, even with how much I don't want to admit it, the way he holds on to me makes me feel...  _nice_. I feel good.

 

 

" _Awww_ , you guys are so cute," Anna draws out upon seeing us, while Pete does a none too subtle wolf whistle. Before I have any control of it, my face burns.

 

 

"Shut up, Pete," Felix says, flipping him his middle finger, and Pete tries to look affected by it. Then, Felix rests his head on my shoulder, and my heart starts to race again.

 

 

"Leave me to feel like the third-wheeler. Wow,  _thanks guys_ ," Seungmin speaks out, giving us two thumbs up. We all laugh, even though my chest feels a bit tight at what Seungmin's insinuating with his words.

 

 

"You know what would be really cool?" Pete says. "A piggyback race! The people who lose are rotten eggs!"

 

 

I start to shake my head. "Uh I don't think that's a good idea -- "

 

 

"Get into starting position guys!" Seungmin shouts, putting two of his fingers into his mouth to whistle. "I'll be the referee!"

 

 

"We'll both start at the rock over there, and then finish when we get to the sea," Pete says to me, and even though I'm not too happy with how this piggyback arrangement is turning out, I don't back down.

 

 

"Sure," I reply. I can feel Felix's irregular heartbeat thumping against my back, the warmth of his skin, and his breath on my shoulder -- those things are enough to make me even  _more_  nervous and excited. A strange combination.

 

 

"No matter how cute you two look, we're  _so_  gonna crush you," Anna chuckles as Pete and I take our positions beside the rock that he was talking about.

 

 

"Uhm, you're wrong hun.  _We're_  gonna crush you," Felix corrects, before softly patting my shoulder. "Isn't that right, Changbin?"

 

 

"Uh, y-yeah. Yeah, we are," I stutter, drawing in a shaky breath. Fuck, just his mere touch was making me stumble on my words like a complete idiot.

 

 

"Alright," Seungmin calls out from the distance, his voice loud enough to send a couple bats flying out of the buildings they're in, "On your marks... Get set...  _aaand_...GO!"

 

 

Almost immediately I start to move. My feet sink into the cool, dense sand for no more than millimeters of a second as I run across the beach, eyes set on the frothy sea less than a meter away.

 

 

All through this Felix doesn't cease in shouting out what he  _thinks_  are words of encouragement, and as much as I 'appreciate' his caveman howling, it's seriously a distraction. But nonetheless, I get to the beach on time, feeling the chilling waves of the sea swim against my feet like mild electrical currrents. Despite the short distance of the sprint, my breath comes out in knotted gasps. Though I'm not one to tire easily, I feel a bit beaten down, especially since all the high from the running as simmered off.

 

 

Felix's arms are around my shoulders in an even tighter grip than before, and he's hollering at Pete and Anna like a little kid, calling them both rotten eggs. His touch burns and almost  _singes_  my skin, and my heartbeat's gone so out of control now that I fear he'll hear it if he listens hard enough.

 

 

"I demand a rematch!" Pete says.

 

 

Anna adds, "Yeah! You guys cheated!"

 

 

"Nuh uh! We didn't," Felix replies and sticks out his tongue at them.

 

 

"Changbin's like, ripped! It ain't fair!" Pete shoots back with a pout.

 

 

"Doesn't mean anything!" Felix answers him. He then smacks my arm, hand lingering on my bicep. "It's not his fault he's got some  _muscle_."

 

 

"Yah yah yah! You guys cut it out with the bickering!" Seungmin makes his appearance, preventing the others from hearing my (very) audible intake of breath at Felix's actions. "I think we should go now. It's getting pretty late."

 

 

With reluctant mumbles on Pete's part, we eventually go get our shoes, laughing and joking about nothing and everything like  _friends_  would. I guess they all consider me as one of their friends now, especially with how they've incooperated me into their circle even if I can get so quiet at times. It makes me kind of elated on the inside.

 

 

It's easier to relax now that Felix has gotten off my back, but he doesn't allow my heart a chance to breathe because he's back to walking alongside me, fingers brushing against mine's ever so often.

 

 

***

  
Slowly and predictably, September clocks into the beginning of October, marking the start of a new month and other changes along with it.

Felix and I undoubtedly get closer too, spending more time at each other's houses and at other locations just to hang out. It becomes an habit, one that I find myself looking forward to anytime we're finished with school or have time for ourselves to do what we want.

But then, always hanging out with now Felix has its cons. Now, it's increasingly more difficult to ignore the erratic speeding of my heart whenever we sit a bit too close, and how my palms start to sweat and get clammy whenever he stares at me and gives me one of his usual bright smiles.

"Hey, Changbin, look at this," Felix suddenly remarks, drawing me out of my thoughts about nothing other than him. His head's nestled on my lap, surfing the Internet on his phone while I pretend to watch a random TV show. We're at my house since it's almost always quiet, which can be detrimental at times since it leads to lots of thinking on my part.

"What?" I ask, looking down at him. Bad move. My breath gets uncomfortably caught at the back of my throat when I see he's also looking at me. But unlike I am, he looks unbothered with the eye contact.

He shoves his phone screen at my face, and my eyes try and focus on what I'm seeing. It's a short video on Youtube about two baby polar bears rolling snow about with their little black noses. "Look!"

"What about them?"

"Aren't they cute? They're  _so cute_ ," Felix exclaims, a big smile lighting up his face.

"I guess."

"' _I guess_ '?" he copies my words, looking exasperated with my unresponsiveness. He stares back at his phone, and I notice how the brightness wafting off the screen enunciates the golden flecks of brown in his eyes.

"Uhm," I clear my throat and he looks at me. "My thighs feel numb. Can you get off for a bit?"

"Sure," he mutters, eyes still glued to his phone like the basic teenager he is. I have to smile a little at the sight.

We sit in silence for a while, but it becomes broken when Felix starts to talk about several topics all at once, inserting commentary and whatnot about the show I'm half-heartedly watching. His voice easily fills up the confines of my mind, and it's then I realize I really like the way he speaks and the vocal colour of his voice.

"Changbin, are you even  _listening_  to me?" He questions me at one point when it's pretty clear I'm not paying attention to what he's saying any longer.

"What  _were_  you saying?" I reply, not even bothering to hide the fact that  _I wasn't listening_.

"I'm not telling, since you weren't paying attention," he frowns.

"Your loss then."

Felix playfully glares at me. "Anyone ever tell you how mean you can be?"

I grin and shrug, staring back at him. "Nah, you're the first."

"Aww," he starts, eyes creasing when he laughs, "I feel so honoured."

And then I kiss him.

It's something I have no control over, that giddy warm feeling inside my chest instantly multiplying, gushing over me like hyperactive waves. I feel how Felix's gasp ghosts over my lips, and how soft his lips truly are against mine. My head feels hot as I continue to kiss him, feeling as if time has drawn out for an indefinite continuum as my heartbeat matches with his frantic own.

My fingers lightly graze his cheekbone just as his body stiffens, and what feels like an hour sharply cuts into mere seconds when he pulls away, leaving me cold. The only thing I can hear at that moment is my thundering heartbeat.

"Oh my god. Shit -- I'm sorry," I quickly say, the words sounding unfamiliar and distant the moment they leave my mouth.

I make the mistake of looking at Felix's face at that second, just in time to witness the numerous emotions that flit over his face like stop-motion films. Confusion, and even a bit of irritation are the most apparent ones.

I open my mouth again to try and say something, cursing the way I've become speechless in this situation and how utterly  _stupid_  I was to kiss him like that. "Felix, I'm  _so_  sorry -- "

"You -- You don't need to apologize, alright?" Felix cuts me off, his voice almost drowned by the excessive humdrum of my heartbeat. He looks as unfamiliar with his words as I was with mine seconds prior.

"Are you angry at me?" I question, almost afraid to see what his reaction will be. Spontaneously kissing him wasn't in the plan at all, leaving me unprepared with the repercussions and with my emotions laid bare. I feel seconds away from freaking out.

"I'm not," Felix almost sounds afraid. "It's just -- It's just  _fucking weird_ , alright?"

"What do you mean by that, huh?" I can't stop myself from saying, my voice harsh and betraying just how his comment affects me. "Was what I did too  _gay_  for you? Is that why it's  _just fucking weird_?"

Felix's lips form a tight line. "That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?"

Felix doesn't bother with a tangible reply to my question. "I -- I have to go." He says, voice undeniably shaky.

I'm speechless, barely registering the moment he leaves the house. It's not like his presence would do much anyways, since my thundering heartbeat has blocked out all external stimuli, cornering me with my storm of emotions instead.

I feel hurt, and it's all my fault for letting Felix get so close to me, leaving me susceptible to the wounds I'd tried to cover up for so long.


	13. step 13: paranoia (felix)

**BREATHE.**

**IT'S**   **HARD**  to breathe.

It's hard to do even anything at all. All my thoughts are in complete and utter disorder; complete  _dissonance_. I can't think properly, and my mind keeps on replaying that  _very_  recent memory of Changbin kissing me over and over until the images get burnt and sealed into the back of my head. I'm shocked, no doubt, that our latest hangout turned out like this, and everything's still fresh in my mind as if it happened just seconds prior instead of a just couple hours ago.

_It's just fucking weird, alright?_

I knew I did something terribly wrong the second I opened my mouth and uttered those hurtful words to him, and the fallen expression he held in his gaze after what I said is one I can never, ever forget. I  _know_  I'm an idiot, and I proved myself to be  _an even bigger one_  when, instead of apologizing for the unreasonable way I reacted to what he'd done, I got up and left his house,  _just like that_.

I can still feel the way Changbin's lips molded into mine for those few heart-stopping seconds, the warmth of his breath lightly fanning against my cheek, the way our faces and bodies were so close we could count every tempo our heartbeat if we truly wanted to. I can recall all of this in an almost morbid detail, but the thing I can remember the most, is the way my heartbeat noticeably sped up the second his lips met mine. I can remember the way my insides felt like they were being lit up like rampant fires invading a dry forest, and I can still recollect the way my throat closed up in almost perfect timing as my head was clouded with something akin to  _dread_ , and dread alone, because, in those few seconds Changbin had locked his lips with mine, I felt like he'd  _awaken_  something within me that I'd never been able to evoke before in my entire life.

And after that, I'd acted on instinct. Naturally, the way my body had reacted to Changbin's touch and kisses was unfamiliar in every sense of the word, and brought about a stark, almost  _dangerous_  kind of change that I couldn't find a way to deal with. For those few seconds after I'd pushed Changbin away, lungs engulfing the tense air that we were both put in because of this situation, I felt as if my mind had shut down. It was like one part of myself had completely disconnected from the other, leaving me breathless, drowning, choking and gasping while submerged within the waves of panic that I had absolutely no control or semblance over. At that moment, I was  _afraid_.

And so I became someone I wasn't and ran, like a  _coward_.

 _Fuck, I'm such an idiot_.

This seems to be the only thought prevalent in my mind while I'm sat on one edge of my bed, fingers desperately running through my blond locks as I try and make sense of whatever the heck is going through this head of mine.

My room's nearly completely dark, and the little lamp placed on the small table closest to my bed only provides a minimal amount of light, cloaking me in darkness. Despite this, I feel undoubtedly exposed to all sorts of stimuli, including the storm that's currently brewing inside my brain. I can't think properly, can't think straight, and whatever rational thought I manage to scramble up disintegrates into thin air within a second's worth of thoughts. I'm a mess right now, reeling with guilt and violent stabbings of loathing and self-hatred. I feel like I can't even  _live_  with myself.

 _Changbin must feel so pissed at me right now_ , I think, and then almost feel like laughing at myself for that downright  _stupid_  thought. Of course he's pissed at me.  _More_  than pissed, even. I tossed aside whatever feelings he may have had for me like pieces of trash and dealt harshly with him, speaking aloud words I would've never dreamt of saying to anyone,  _especially_  Changbin.

He was --  _is_  -- my  _friend_ , and I treated him like  _that_  after trying so hard to let him trust me; after I'd tried so hard to make it known that he could come to me whenever he needed to, because I could be someone he could  _confide_  in, someone who would  _be_  there for him whenever the situation calls for it. But, now I feel like I've messed everything up by acting foolishly.

I know it's up to me to try and mend everything up and gain back the trust Changbin had managed to put into me before I acted so dumbly and impulsively, but the guilt, mixed with that recognizable feeling of  _fear_  keeps me stagnant. It keeps me locked in place, making me all the more aware of my racing pulse, sweaty palms and the fuzziness in me that generates whenever Changbin's face pops up in my mind. That apprehension keeps me from reaching out to the outside world to mend up my mistakes, and cages me from checking my phone to even attempt calling Changbin or  _anyone_ , really.

Fuck, I'm such a mess.

At that second, the door to my bedroom creaks open, and the sound slices into my scattered, messy heap of thoughts. Instantly, my hands fall from where they're placed atop my head, and my distressed, irritated eyes crack open. I'm not even in the mood to face whoever has just stepped into my room.

It takes me a hot second to figure out who the person is, and by the time I gather enough information about their features to know just  _who_  they are, the main switch of the room is flicked on and everywhere suddenly becomes illuminated. As a result, I wince, covering my eyes due to the abrupt brightness only to realize there and then that my eyes and cheeks are wet.

"Shit," I groan, too drained mentally to stop myself from the swear word that leaves my mouth.

"Oops --  _Sorry_!" Olivia exclaims, and I groan again when she turns off the lights and the room becomes dark again. I feel her footsteps gradually getting louder as she nears where I am, and I open my eyes, seeing only slightly the yellow and pink mismatched socks she has on her feet. "...Bro, you good?"

A sad attempt of a mirthless chuckle leaves my lips, and apparently that's enough proof that something's definitely up with me, because in the next second she sits next to me and our shoulders bump together. Even though it's moderately dark, this does nothing to conceal the obvious expression of worry emancipating from her eyes.

"Felix, what's up with you? Are...are you  _okay_?" Olivia continues to ask, and even if I appreciate her obvious concern, I feel even more  _cornered_  than I felt earlier. "Wait... Are -- Are you  _crying_?"

"I'm not," I waste no time in replying. The speed in which I say it sounds awfully suspicious though, but I can't help it. I don't want Liv to start drawing up insane assumptions due to how I'm acting, because knowing her, she can be pretty stubborn to know the truth if she wants to be.

"You don't  _look_  okay, though."

I feel awkward. This whole situation's awkward and it makes the whole of my skin uncomfortably itch and crawl. I feel as though I'm being heavily scrutinized by numerous unknown eyes even if it's just my little sister sitting down beside me. Olivia's gaze feels like a tonne, building up and weighing down on my face and I feel hot in my own skin.

"I'm -- I'm  _fine_ ," I let out, even though I'm actually not fine. At all. I make the mistake of sniffing, which becomes a bad move on my part.

"Felix, you sound like you're crying and I want to know what's up. Why are you being like this?"

Despite knowing that Olivia's asking this much questions because she only has my interests in mind and genuinely wants to know what's up with her usually cheerful older brother, my muscles clench under my shirt and I become irritated at how  _nosey_  she's being.

"I'm fine, okay?" I snap, lightly sniffing again as my palms curl and uncurl together over my knees. "I'm just not feeling my best right now, and I'd really like to be left alone. Please."

"You're being really difficult," my sister says even though it's clear in her tone that my sharp words hurt her a little. But then again, she's always be good at hiding a majority of what she's feeling for the most part, just like I was,  _before today_. "I just wanted to  _help_."

"Yeah, well, I don't -- I don't need the help," I say, shrugging like it's no big deal even though I feel empty on the inside.

To Olivia, my sudden change in attitude towards her must be uncalled for, but I have my reasons for being like this right now. How can I tell my ten-year-old sister that a couple hours ago, a guy friend of mine kissed me and I freaked out just because him kissing me made me all feel weird and and fuzzy and light-headed on the inside? No matter what Liv thinks, I  _can't_  tell her anything about what had happened. I can't tell  _anyone_. I have to fix the mess I created myself, somehow, and make Changbin my friend again even though I'd obviously hurt him.

Olivia, sensing that I'm unwilling to budge, gets up to her feet. I look up at her, and even in the dim lighting I can see that she's not particularly happy with me.

"The real reason I came in here was to ask if you're coming down for dinner, because mom told me to," she starts, "But when I saw that my older brother looks sad as heck, I changed my mind and decided to sit by him and try and make him feel better, because  _obviously_ , the Felix  _I_  know isn't usually all moody like this. But, it seems he doesn't even want to tell me what's up."

I sigh, biting hard on my lip. "It's really  _nothing_ , Olivia... Really. "

"Of course it fucking is."

My eyes immediately snap up to meet her's. "Olivia,  _language_!"

She fixes me with an hard look that, if it wasn't for the situation I might have found as humourous (because her frowns resembled pouts that can't be taken seriously), but now it only unnerves me, and makes me nervous. I feel like I've genuinely angered her.

"Are you coming with me for dinner, or not?" She asks, not looking my way.

I sigh once more, wanting more than ever at that moment to be left  _alone_ , but after being in my room for so long with no one to confide in except for my thoughts, I realize that only doing this will put more of a mental strain on me and set me on a path to internal isolation.

I grab a hoodie that I'd previously tossed aside earlier when I was still in a state of emotional unrest and get on my wobbly feet, shoving them into my pair of house slippers. I know staying in my room all night will eventually make me hungry, so I give in to my sister's words and follow her to the living room to help mom and dad set up for dinner.

Olivia isn't the only one that picks up on my distressed face, but unlike her, my parents don't question me on it, figuring out by my expression that I probably need some time to myself to calm down from all my 'teen angst' or whatever.

I don't eat as much as I usually do, picking apart the fish dad had seasoned himself with my utensils instead of inhaling it like I would've done if this were any other day. I can see the subtle stares my parents give each other at my behaviour from time to time, and each time they do that the room feels hotter and much more difficult to breathe into. I witness their worried stares, but how much of  _that_  will still remain if they discover the  _real_  reason why I'm acting like this? Will they still care enough about  _me_  and how I  _feel_  if they know the truth?

It isn't even five minutes later that I push my chair to the back, the heels of the piece of furniture scraping lighting against the tiled grounds. The sound it makes isn't much, but it's enough to draw the whole of Olivia's and my parents' attention on me. My skin crawls even further, and I feel  _so exposed_.

"I -- I'm full," I choke out, even though my plate of food is majorly untouched. The utensils I use collide with the porcelain plate when I drop them into the plate, making this clanging sound. It makes me wince. "The food is really delicious."

Without waiting for anyone's reply, I grab my plate and cup and head to the kitchen, eager to escape my family's heavy gazes at that moment.

 

***

 

 

I can't bring myself to sleep. Sleep has become some sort of cheap commodity the second I lie on the surface of my bed in the dark, eyes unwavering on the phone positioned not too far away from me. My  _very being_  wants to reach out and grab that phone and dial Changbin's number, so I can at least hear him and see if he's okay, even if he hangs up on me a couple seconds later. I deserve that. I deserve even worse for what I've done, and I try and convince myself I'm ready for however Changbin may react to me when we see each other again.

 

 

All I'm feeling right now is anxiousness. The anxiety's gnawing at me and drowning me, pulling me lower and lower into the depths of unbridled fear. It clogs up my throat and clears my mind of all logical reasoning, leaving my mind stripped into this unstable and weak state.

 

 

Everything gets even worse when I start thinking about Changbin kissing me again. This time though, I can't seem to let the image go. The way his lips felt against mine becomes permanently engraved in the pits of my mind, and even the thought of the simple way he held my face with his hand when he kissed me ignites blissful, wonderful sparks all across my skin. I feel  _alive_ , like a  _new_  person almost, but I'm also incredibly burdened, especially with all these foreign  _feelings_  I've never encountered before.

  
I slowly reach out and hold my phone in my hands, staring at the black screen. My head races with a gazillion thoughts the more I keep looking at the device without  _doing_  anything.

_Fuck, Felix, stop overthinking everything and just call Changbin, goddammit..._

I'm no longer a stranger to my mind's chastising by now, but no matter how much my inner self scolds me, I find myself chickening out at the last second.

Suddenly, an halo forms around my phone screen as it lights up with an incoming call... from  _Changbin_.

In less than a second I'm in a sitting position, staring at the phone in my hands with a bewildered expression on my face. I want to pick up the call, or do something --  _anything_ , but as always, that  _fear_  stops me, right until the phone stops ringing.

Changbin calls again.

And again.

And again.

And each time, I can't find it in me to pick up any of his calls.

I remember when I was younger how left out and  _outlandish_  I felt whenever I saw the people around me found new people to like almost every day and talked about whoever they were crushing on. I felt envious then, because I couldn't relate to any of them. I'd never liked anyone in that way before, and it soon became something that differenciated me from everyone else.

At a certain point in time, I felt as if something was truly  _wrong_  with me. I wasn't built up normally, it seemed, because  _normal_  people had crushes and liked others and kissed each other by the swingsets, holding hands whenever the teacher wasn't watching. I felt  _none_  of that towards anyone.

People thought it was weird, and I thought so too, even when my parents told me I was okay even if I've never felt any romantic attraction towards anyone. And then highschool came along, where it became almost  _necessary_  to be interested in other people around you and date around too. I knew I couldn't risk the chance of standing out, and as a result I dated someone I never should've dated, leaving the relationship more empty and broken than I'd ever felt before. I thought I was going to the odd one out, never actually knowing what romantic, or even  _sexual_  attraction was, forever, until now.

 _Now_ , every single lost emotion and feeling has seemed to combine, spreading around the confines of my brain all at once and leaving me unable to function like a proper human being.

Changbin calls again, snapping me out of my thoughts. This time though, the call ends quicker than the other previous ones.

A message notification pops up on the screen. With shaking thumbs, I put in my password to get more access to my phone. Tapping on the messaging app, a see a text from Changbin himself.

 **Dark Cutie♥: I can't keep calling you since I know you're purposefully ignoring my calls. But I guess that's okay. What I want you to know is that I'm extremely sorry that I kissed you. It was an accident, a mistake, and it was something I never intended on doing in the first place. I'm sorry today turned out the way it did, and if you decide not to talk to me again because of this, then it's alright. I won't blame you**.  **You were a really good friend to me, Felix. Sorry I had to ruin that now.**

Dejection is the only thing I recognize as soon as I've finished reading Changbin's message, along with that same feeling of guilt and never-ending fear. Somehow, seeing Changbin admit that the whole kiss wasn't something he'd done intentionally makes my anxiety levels spike. Seeing him call that kiss we shared a  _mistake_  causes that feeling of dejection to increase by a ten-fold. I feel horrible. So horrible.

I don't reply him.


	14. step 14: brother knows best (felix)

**BY THE TIME**  the next morning comes around, I'm fortunately in a better state of mind than I was the night before, but yet I can't stop the feelings of nervousness that crash through me in waves as I get ready for the day ahead. I can't help them either. I feel numb yet pathetically anxious, so much so I fear my nerves can be felt by other people who are even  _miles and miles_ away from me.

Breakfast with my parents and sister is quiet than usual, and by 'usual', I mean a breakfast that includes either laughter, joking or teasing. And sometimes, it's all of the above.

At first, their quietness is drowned out by my loud and hyperactive thoughts, but after the first minute of hearing them say nothing and casting each other glances they thought was subtle, I get tired of it all and their behaviour only unnerves me. I know they're only acting like this because they fear any kind of chatter might potentially 'trigger' the moody behaviour I'd showcased last night, so I figure I'd -- at least -- try and let them see that I'm  _fine_  and  _nothing_  is wrong with me (even if I don't particularly  _feel_  that way this moment).

"Guys," I say, slightly cringing at the way their eyes focus on me at the exact same time. If this was another day, I would've laughed at their almost amusing synchronization, but this time around it only proves to freak me out just a little bit.

I gingerly spread a bit of vegemite on the buttered toast I had in my hand, trying not to feel too awkward about this whole situation. "I'm fine. I was just in a sour mood last night, but I'm okay now." I take a bite too big from the toast, crunching on the bread even though I feel like I'm gonna choke on it and force on a smile. "Nice toast, mom. Mhmm,  _very delicious_."

Mom and dad give each other small glances again while I try to force the dry toast down my throat without looking too much like an idiot.

"This toast is  _sooo_  good, I love it." I give my parents a thumbs up, before grabing Liv's glass of orange juice and downing it before I can even stop myself. Luckily,  _and_  a little scarily, she doesn't do anything when normally she would've tried to have my head on a silver platter if I'd eaten or drank anything that belonged to her.

"Well, sweetie, we're...we're glad you're feeling better now," Mom starts, voice doing that trailing off thing that it does whenever she has something to say that won't be so pleasant. She looks to my dad for some kind of support, and I stare at them with raised eyebrows,  _one hundred percent_ fully dreading whatever they're going to say next.

Dad starts to speak. "I admit, we were  _really_  worried about how you acted yesterday. Really,  _really_  worried. Because it's not  _like_  you to act so  _moody_  without any tangible reason. So, we contacted Chan after you'd gone to sleep, and luckily, he picked up."

Reeling with shock, I start to cough.  _Really_  cough, at that. Mom rushes to the kitchen island to get me a glass of water while dad looks like a panicked, short-circuiting robot and Olivia scooches over to me and pats my back.

When my mother returns and hands me the glass of water, I don't hesitate in drinking it even if it means I'll start choking again. After this is done, I inhale a huge breath and sputter out, "You guys  _what_?"

"Obviously, something's bothering you, and we'd figured you'd have no problems confiding in Chan about it. He said he's ready to listen whenever you want to talk," dad replies.

I'm speechless for a few seconds, still trying to process the fact that my parents had  _actually_  gotten Chan involved in this matter, when all I'd wanted was for this whole topic to die out entirely and never see the light of day again. For them to actually call my brother to get him to talk to me meant that my behaviour must've affected them more than I'd thought, which only serves in freaking me out even more.

"Fuck," I mutter none-too-softly.

"Felix,  _language_ ," mom points out, but instead of apologizing I push my chair out and stand up, hurriedly wishing my family a good day before leaving them all behind in record timing.

 

***

 

 

Seeing my phone in my room only serves as a livid, cruel reminder of what had transpired between Changbin and I yesterday night. I swallow bitterly as I think back to how I hadn't even bothered replying the messages he'd sent me, too clogged up in my stupid, stupid emotions to settle what had went on between us. I'd left him on read, proving to him there and then that I was --  _am_  -- a terrible person who ran away from his problems instead of facing them head-on.

  
Biting hard on my lip, I grab my phone and bag, and head to the garage to go get my car and get started off on the unmotivating drive to school.

I manage to enter the vehicle and buckle my seatbelt before my phone starts ring due to an incoming call.

" _Shit shit shit_ ," I mutter as I fumble around for the electronic device, narrowly dropping it in the haste to answer the call. Frowning, I wonder who the caller could've been, fervently hoping it isn't any of my friends, or worse, Changbin.

To my surprise, I see  _Anna's_  caller ID flashing across the smooth screen of the phone, and as my thumb swipes across it, I try to prepare myself for whatever she might've been calling me for.

"Felix?" Her familiar smooth voice edges through the receiver, and I gulp.

"Yeah?" I squeak, hoping my voice doesn't convey how nervous I am at this moment.

"Oh. My. God. Felix, you are such a  _bloody idiot_."

"What did I do?" I immediately ask, feeling my heart rate suddenly spiking up. It's undeniably hard to concentrate on anything right now, and Anna's reprimanding tone of voice isn't making things better.

"Where are you right now?" She asks instead of directly answering my question, which only makes me  _more_  nervous.

"I'm in my c-car. I'm heading to school," I choke out, proceeding to start the car even though my palms are shaking.

"Maybe you should stay home."

"What?"

"Obviously, because Changbin is at school. I mean, you seem set on avoiding him, so I think you should maybe sit this one out," Anna replies, her words only confirming my dreaded suspicions.

"Fuck, Anna, what -- What are you talking about?" I nibble on the skin of my lower lip, teeth biting and pulling on the skin so hard I fear it'll start to bleed. "W-What happened?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was the fact that as I was about to go to sleep yesterday night, I got a call, from none other than Changbin. And it shocked me, alright, because we've never really spoken on the phone before even though we have each other's number. I was really shocked, but not as much as I actually felt the second I picked up his call," Anna answers, and by this time my heartbeat's gotten so loud and chaotic it threathens to block out every single thing surrounding me. It's even a  _miracle_  I can still hear Anna's voice.

"I don't -- I don't know what you're trying to say -- "

"Of course you do," Anna cuts me off by saying, and to be honest, I'm glad she did because at this point in time I didn't know, and didn't even have control over, what came out of my mouth. "As I picked up his call, I was really, really surprised. Why? Because Changbin was crying. He was  _crying_ , Felix. Because of  _you_. He nearly struggled to tell me all what had happened, said how affected he got because of your behaviour towards him just because you two kissed. Fuck -- We aren't even that close and yet he told me this, even said I shouldn't let you know we had this conversation but I couldn't help myself from talking to you, because this really fucking affected me."

The grip I have over the steering wheel is tight, my knuckles almost pale. "Anna -- "

"I'm not done yet, Felix," Anna says. "Changbin himself texted you that he didn't mean to do what he did, even tried calling you several times too, but you never bothered to answer. He  _apologized_ , Felix, which gives you no right to fuck his feelings over like that -- "

"Anna -- "

"I'm. Not. Done," she grits out, and I shut my mouth. I could actually taste the blood on my lips right about now. "You're my friend Felix, and I care about you so much that I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you, but that doesn't mean I won't fail to correct you when you're doing something that's clearly not good of you. I thought you cared about Changbin too, Felix."

"I -- I  _do_ ," I don't hesitate in replying, because it's true. I do care about Changbin, and the fact that Anna said he cried because of me still makes my insides clench with too much guilt. "I really do."

"You say you do, but I don't think you  _actually_  care. If you did, you'd try and fix everything. Changbin already admitted it was a mistake -- " I feel like my heart's dropped the second Anna says this, but she continues before I can even recover from the overwhelming feeling, " -- And if I were you I won't let that deter me from saving this friendship.  _You_  were the one who wanted to befriend Changbin in the first place, and now that he's let you in and you've become comfortable with each other, you pull this shit. This isn't cool, Felix. At all."

"I fucking  _care_  about him, Anna!" I exclaim, " I care about so much it  _hurts_. But -- "

"But what? Are you, by any chance,  _homophobic_?"

"No!" I rake my hands through my hair, hating the direction this conversation's heading. "I'm -- I'm  _not_. I-I just want to be alone right now..."

My mind's spinning, filled to the brim with too many thoughts, too many emotions. There's the familiar pang of both guilt and shame at the rememberance of how I'd treated Changbin the minute he'd kissed me yesterday, along with the knowledge that I'd made Changbin  _cry_. Then the anger and anxiety directed at myself that pulls me under and prevents me from acting like a functioning human being. There's also something  _else_ , something so deep and bottomless that I can't put a name to it. It was there the second Anna mentioned that Changbin had called  _her_  the night before. It was  _her_  Changbin had talked to, and it was with  _her_  he'd revealed his deepest,  _darkest_  thoughts to.  _She'd_  been the one to hear him cry, to witness him breakdown while  _she_  provided him with  _her_  comfort and sound advice, something  _I_  should have been the one giving in the first place. It's  _always_  Anna, and it took even less of an effort for  _her_  to get him to open up to her than it did for  _me_.

_God_ , I thought,  _I'm not even thinking properly_.  _Stop acting like a total fucking mess._

"So, you're not coming to school today?" When Anna says it, it sounds more like a final statement than a question.

"I..." My jaw clenches, "I guess so."

Anna sighs, and I can tell she's disappointed with me. But even with this, I've still made up my mind that it'll just be too much if I stepped foot into Ravenwood High today. I won't be able to handle it, handle seeing  _Changbin_. My emotions are just  _too_  out of control. I'm not even acting like  _myself_.

"Talk to you later, then," Anna tells me.

"I-I will," I reply, inhaling a shallow breath. "A-And tell Changbin that I'm -- I'm sorry."

"You'll have to tell him that yourself." And then the line cuts.

"Fuck..." I mumble, folding my arms across the steering wheel and burying my face on its surface. I slam hard on the wheel once, then twice, bringing about the unwelcomed sound of the car's horn. I can only hope no one else is witnessing this scene where I'm, undoubtedly, breaking down right now. "What the actual  _fuck_  is wrong with me?!" I slam my fist on the wheel again. "What is  _wrong_  with me? I'm  _not_  okay. I'm not! I'm not..."

Eventually, I head inside the house, infinitely grateful to my parents that they don't question my sudden change of plans to stay home from school. Their compliance would make me feel suspicious and on-edge any other day, but today I'm too drained mentally to even bother second-guessing their motives.

 

***

  
Like the average teenager dealing with too much emotional stress and  _too_  little people to vent it out on, I attempt to drown my sorrows with stupid, grease-filled stupid chips, and stupid varieties of stupid ice cream that's  _this_  close to giving me a full-blown stupid sugar rush, all while lying back-first on the sofa while binge-watching stupid TV shows while I could've spent the day doing something more stupidly valueable with my time, like going over stupid course work.

I feel nothing less than an unmotivated couch potato as I watch the show on the television with a blank, uninterested stare. I know I can't afford to keep eating shit that isn't good for my health while watching an equally shitty TV series, but it's particularly tasking to do.

I don't  _feel_  like myself. I even want to run and hide away forever, all because of a stupid kiss that wasn't even  _supposed_  to happen in the first place. Changbin had kissed  _me_ , yet  _I'm_  the one overreacting about everything. He'd held me close and kissed me and made my heart fucking  _flutter_ , but then I just  _had_  to act like an asshole freak afterwards and make things far worse for the both of us.

Because of  _one kiss_ , I was pushing everyone away. I'd never bothered replying to any of the calls or texts Pete, Seungmin and all of my other friends sent me during the last few hours. All I got from Anna and Changbin was radio silence, which I completely expected, if I'm being really honest.

So here I am, trying to ease my aching mind by indulging in stupid shit that isn't even good for me, wasting my time, while making things progressively worse for everyone else involved since I'm obviously not even making any move to try and gain Changbin's trust back. Fuck, I really hate myself right now.

I really do.

 

***

 

 

The next day comes and goes, and yet, I'm still in my slumped state. By the time dinner arrives, I tell Liv I'm not in the mood to eat and just spent like, thirty minutes staring at my room's ceiling alone.

 

 

But soon enough, I get tired of even doing that, and in the process of looking away, my eyes happen to fall on the small framed photo facing away from my direction on top of my bedside drawer. Nostalgia is the most prevalent thing I feel at seeing the picture. Without thinking too much on it, I reach out for the photo, and when it's in my hand I run my fingers over the glass protecting it almost fondly. The picture showcases much younger versions of Chan and I, smiles on both our faces as I hold on to the orange coloured kitten in my arms. Chan had gotten him for me for my eighth birthday (with our parents' help, of course), and I'd named the kitten Garfield because his fur reminded me of the fictional cat that loved lasagna so much. I'd also loved lasagna a lot at that age, so getting Garfield was one of the best days of my life, which made it hurt even worse when one day he ran away when I was fourteen and never came back. But even through that, Chan had comforted me, and managed to cheer me up even when I'd thought I'd never be happy again since I lost Garfield.

 

 

My older brother had always made it his mission to make me happy, and that never stopped even when he had to leave for university. And since I thought of whatever he did as  _super cool_ , I made it  _my_  personal mission to make others happy as well, earning the title of 'Sunshine Felix' since I was never seen without a smile on my face. People regarded me as happiness incarnate, believing me to be one of the most optimistic people on earth. If only they saw me now.

  
It's then I realize just how much I miss Chan, just how much I want to hear his voice and  _see_  him. I realize how much I  _hate_  being alone with my harmful thoughts and painful feelings, and with a newfound surge of determination rising inside me, I grab my laptop and decide on FaceTiming Chan. I'm going to talk to my  _older brother_.

Fortunately, I get Chan without much trouble.  _Unfortunately_ , the second his face generates on my skin, lips stretched to form that bright dimpled smile of his, is the second I start to tear up without really meaning to.

Chan's grin instantly disappears as soon as he sees the first few tears that leave my eyes. "Woah, Felix, are you okay? Did -- Did something bad happen? Felix?"

I shake my head. "I just... I Really miss you, Channie."

"I miss you too, Felix. I really do," Chan answers, still clearly worried about how much I'm crying. "Uni's been quite tasking, but -- but I  _swear_  I'm come visit you soon. I'll visit you all soon."

"I-I  _know_ , Chan. And I'm -- I'm sorry I had to be all  _emotional_  and burden you even more when you've a-already got enough on your plate," I say, wiping at my irritated eyes with my sleeve, which only makes them more irritated.

Chan shakes his head. I notice that the blond colour of his hair's gradually fading out, and dark shadows are forming underneath his eyes. He obviously hasn't been getting much sleep, yet he still set aside some time to talk to me even though he could've used that time to get some rest instead. I feel my eyes prickling with unshed tears again.

"Stop crying, Felix. You're not a burden to me. You'll  _never_  be a burden. I care about you, about your well-being, and I hate seeing you sad. Tell me what's on your mind, and I'll help you get through it. I'm always here for you, Felix."

I don't know if it's just because of his calming presence, or because of his reassuring words, but I give in without any fight. With Chan's gentle coaxing, I tell him  _everything_ , ranging from how I first knew about Changbin and how we became friends, to how we started hanging out more and spending time with each other after school hours. I tell him how I introduced Changbin to my other friends, and how secretive he was at times, which only led to me wanting to know  _more_  about him. Then, I let Chan know about how I started to feel lately about Changbin, and how protective I got over him even when I didn't need to in the first place. I told him about the kiss, and how I reacted afterwards. That's the part that really got me, and I don't know how Chan managed to understand my mess of jumbled words at the end of my confession since I'd started tearing up again, but I'm extremely glad he did.

After I'm done, there's silence between us that's sort of comfortable, yet nerve-wracking.

"...Feelings like these can be very difficult to figure out," Chan eventually starts to speak, gaining my attention.

"Feelings?"

"Yeah. Look, I'm not going to tell you something you don't want to hear, since that isn't my intention. My intention is to make you happy and to cheer you up, so... I'll just tell you a story."

I sniff, and nod, figuring that was better than having Chan scold me over something I wasn't ready to face. "...Okay."

"When I first came to this university, I was admittedly nervous, especially since I would be miles and miles away from home, which meant that I'd be seeing mom, dad, you and Liv less. Especially you, Felix. But, I was also excited. I was excited because of the new environment, because of the new faces, and because I was getting to study something I really loved, which is engineering and music producing. I was okay for the first few weeks, but then I started to get home sick and the classes became incredibly harder. I felt like giving up, because, what was the point of school if I couldn't get to see you guys as often as I want?"

Chan smiles through the screen, relieved that I was breathing at a steadier pace now. "I was so stressed at a certain point, I basically gave up on sleep and spent my nights producing music and living off ramen even though I knew I could make more than that. I became a zombie. But one night, one of my friends who was also my roommate at the time, saw how I was acting, and suggested we have night out to hang out with other students from uni. I agreed.

"We ended up going to a beach party, and there was this one guy that got dared by his friends to dance, I guess. I was there when he started to dance, and I admit, I was... captivated. Anyway, we talked a lot that night, and instantly clicked. We got along so well we became close friends really quickly. Even before we got to that stage, I'd always noticed everything about him. He's pretty. Really...  _really_  pretty. Beautiful, even. He cared so much for me and always wanted to know whether I ate well and slept well -- and he still does. I'd be a goner if it wasn't for him."

Chan sighs, his expression looking thoughtful as he clasps his hands together. "I... I don't know how it happened, but along the way I... started to have feelings for him. I mean, he cares about me, I care about him. I always want to see him happy, and whenever he's feeling down I always try my best to make him feel better. At first, the realization that I'm crushing on my best friend daunted me to no end. I was afraid of ruining our friendship because of my feelings. I'd also never liked anyone from the same sex before, and that made the whole situation a whole lot more unbearable at the time."

"So... So what did you do then?" I ask, unable to hide my interest in Chan's story. The truth that my older brother liked a guy didn't seem to shock me like I thought it would. If possible, it only made what  _I'm_  feeling right now more tolerable.

"I started distancing myself from him. I started ignoring his calls, avoided him whenever he was near, and even got my class schedule changed because I didn't want to have any classes with him. My actions hurt me just as much as it hurt him. I could see it every day on his expression whenever I shot him down. It was torture. But even with that, my feelings still remained. They even got stronger, which I thought was impossible at the time.

"But soon enough, instead of waiting for me to come around, Minho took everything into his own hands and personally tracked me down so I had  _no choice_  but to talk things out with him," Chan continues, laughing at the end. I even crack a small smile too. "He started talking, I talked too. He talked more, I talked even  _more_. I basically  _word-vomited_  my feelings for him all over him, which was  _kind of_ embarrassing, but it turned out to be the right thing all along. Minho liked me too, and...  _yeah_ , we started to date."

"Are you still together?"

"Yeah," Chan grins, a sparkle in his eyes that's never seemed to leave ever since he started talking about this Minho guy. He chuckles, "But, enough about me. I only told you this because I thought it'd help in your situation with Changbin, since it's very similar, so don't go telling mom and dad until I'm ready to do so myself."

"I won't." I quickly nod. "But, with Changbin and I, what -- what should I  _do_? I don't -- I'm  _confused_."

"In my case, I had to wait until Minho hunted me down, which took  _months_ , which meant months of wasted opportunites, months of wasted dates, wasted hand-holding, and wasted kissing. Because of my cowardice, we got together later than we should've, and even though we're together now, things would've still been better for us if I'd just been bold enough to take the first step." Chan pauses, and then, "Even if Changbin said it was a mistake, it still never hurts to try. Talk to him, talk things out, and even if you both just settle on being friends eventually, at least you saved a friendship. Just...follow your heart."


	15. step 15: apologetic symphonies (felix)

**IT'S SATURDAY WHEN** I'm tasked by my mother to head into a convenience store that's a short distance from where I live and get her some things. Her words to convince me of doing her bidding were ' _Getting some fresh air into those lungs of yours_!', but I know she only did that to get me out of the house since I was progressively dampening the house's atmosphere with my mood, and I'm  _sure_  she and dad would give me no other option but to go to school when Monday arrived the following week since they were getting tired of making up believable excuses for my absence to the school administration.

Although I'm unenthusiastic about the idea of leaving my comfortable bed to brave the coldness lurking outside the house, I'm in fact a little bit less burdened because I'd no longer have to deal with all the texts and video calls from Pete and Seungmin wondering why I've been so M.I.A these past few days. By their behaviours and reactions to my disappearance, I have an inkling that Anna, or even Changbin himself, hadn't filled them in on the details concerning what took place a few days prior. At least not yet.

Suppressing a shiver due to the chill that runs down my back once I close the door of my house behind me, my fingers reach upwards to adjust the teal blue beanie on my head so it won't fall off whilst keeping my face warm. While the weather isn't necessarily cold, it still doesn't fail to raise goosebumps up my arms, literally rendering my sweater useless.

Nevertheless, I continue to walk, deciding on ditching my car since I didn't live far from the convenience store anyway. My breaths are shallow and long, each exhale releasing noticeable wisps of carbon dioxide into the air. I notice the faintly lit houses that line my block, watching how some neighbours are out and about to excitedly chat with others, while some are taking a simple walk and examining the nature around them, like I am at this very moment.

With this serenity, it's not that hard for my thoughts to take over, and soon enough I start to think again. And guess who my thoughts center around?

Changbin.

I  _can't_  stop thinking about him. It's extremly difficult  _not_  to think about him. After what Chan told me two days ago, his advice bouncing off the walls of my mind like a broken record, I come to realize more and more that I  _need_  to do something about the current situation between Changbin and I. I  _needed_  to find a way to sort things out and fix the mess I've created, but I just don't know how. I want to stop hiding, to stop being so avoidant and silent, but every single time I'm close to doing so I'm stopped by the biggest obstacle I've ever faced;  _myself_.

Chan's advice helped in making me figure out a lot of things about what I'm currently facing. It also helped in making these... these  _feelings_  I've felt more welcome inside the complicated maze I call my mind. I'm getting more and more familiarized with them, but that doesn't mean I'm not scared or outright  _terrified_  as to what the outcome these intense emotions will lead to.

Inhaling a huge sigh, I walk past the automatic sliding doors that lead me into the wide space of the convenience store. The fluorescent lighting emitted from the bulbs are so bright it's almost harsh and annoying to witness, but I force myself not to focus on it too much and busy myself with searching for the food items mom told me to get instead.

A light throb forms inside my head a minute into looking for the stuff, and I sigh again for the millionth time this evening, gritting my teeth at the fact that I'm slowing getting an headache because of how much damn thinking I'm doing.

I linger through the numerous aisles that form the store, looking for the different things mom told me to get -- which aren't a lot -- wheeling my shopping cart in front of me at a pace that even a snail would laugh at. I'm already aware that the main goal of me being here at this time of night is because my parents want me to spend some time outdoors to myself, so I use that opportunity to the fullest and basically waste some time while trying hard not to think too much.

I manage to make it to the ramen section after a considerable amount of time has passed, and my eyes rake across the several options laid before me as I wonder what kind of easy-to-make ramen I should buy. It's admittedly for myself, since mom gave me enough money to have enough spare change to get something else I wanted, which is  _yet_  another reason why mom sent me out of the house tonight.

" _Seafood, cheese, takoyaki, beef, chicken..._ " I mumble absentmindedly to myself when reading the labels displayed on the ramen sachets, and I'm about to grab one that seems the most appetizing to me when I stop in my tracks. My hand is frozen mid-air, but at this moment that's the least of my worries because, not too far from where I'm positioned is the unmistakable face of  _Changbin_  as he moves along the aisles, progressively getting closer to where I am.

What he's wearing is nothing special. He's doned in simple light grey sweats and dark jeans, and yet his unexpected presence is enough to make my throat close up and my nerves spiral out of control. I suddenly don't know what to do and my eyes quickly shift over possible areas I could somehow hide myself in.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck_ , I think, walking out of the ramen aisle as if I'm in some sort of trance. The air conditioning prevalent in this convenience store does nothing to cool down my raging headache and flushed skin, and I become more uncomfortable than ever.

Unfortunately, I don't make it far enough (since my legs had decided there and then that they would  _not_  listen to me), and its then that the hairs on the back of my neck prickle and stand due to that uncanny feeling of being watched. I turn around, unsurprised yet shocked at the same time when I see Changbin walk towards me, wheeling my shopping cart along too.

"...You forgot your cart," is the first thing Changbin tells me when we're a couple feet apart, his tone as straightforward and blank as it usually is. At first glance, his facial features reveal nothing of what he might potentially be feeling, but it's only when we're close that I take notice of how deep and expressive his eyes look. A thousand unanswered questions and unspoken feelings seem to be waging war inside them, so much so that I have to drop my gaze due to the intensity wafting off from his stare alone.

"Uh -- T-Thank you," I stutter, clearing my throat in the process. "And, uhm... Hi."

Since I'm not currently looking at Changbin, I can't gauge his reaction to my words, but that doesn't make my incapability to make a full sentence in front of him any less embarrassing. It's then that I feel the  _full_  extent of Changbin's intimidation, realizing at that moment that that was what other people that didn't know actually felt when having to interact with him. The fact that I'm now acting like how a typical  _stranger_  would to Changbin's presence  _doesn't_  sit well with me at all, making that heavy feeling dwell on top of my chest.

A thick, unsettling moment of silence passes before Changbin's voice breaks it apart. "Are you okay?"

"...What?" I blink, looking up from the ground at Changbin's face. He looks pale, and while that's not usually enough to worry me -- since that's how he typically looks -- he looks  _too_  pale, and the expression he has along with his appearance manages to catch me off-guard. He looks frail, a certain vulnerability embedded into his gaze that leaves me unable to function properly.

"I...I asked if you were okay. You  _do_  look a bit shaken there," he replies with a little chuckle added at the end that sounds too dry, making the slight joke fall flat.

"I'm...  _fine_ ," I let out, even though I feel anything  _but_  that. I stare directly at Changbin again, my stomach doing this large, almost  _nauseating_  flip when I notice Changbin's been watching me this whole time. My heartbeat's gotten extensively louder too. "...You?"

"I'm good. Uhm, I've just been worried at how much school you're missing. The others are worried too," Changbin states, biting on his lip. The action's slight, tiny even, but my eyes zero in on his lips until I can't think about anything else.

"I'm coming back on Monday. Just... needed to take some time off," I mutter, avoiding staring right at Changbin's eyes again.

Changbin nods. "That's good, because I don't think I can stand Pete's rambling any further without you around."

In any other circumstance other than this, I would've laughed. But now, the only thing I feel is my throat closing up, making it hard to swallow, and my conscience chastises me over and over again due to how evasive and stoic I'm being seeing Changbin after not being able to do so the past few days. I feel so fucking miserable, and I'm sure I  _look_  the part too, but here Changbin was, being all nice to me and asking me how I am even though I acted like such a douche towards him.

I inhale a giant breath. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Now it's Changbin's turn to avoid my eyes.

" _No_. It's not okay," I press without any hesitance in my voice. I  _know_  Changbin doesn't deserve to be treated like how I behaved towards him that Monday, and now I've gained enough courage to finally tell him my thoughts, Chan's advice motivating me all the more. "I'm so fucking sorry for the way I acted, Changbin. You didn't deserve any of that. I was such a jerk."

"Felix, as I said earlier:  _It's okay_ ," Changbin repeats, shrugging off my apology with an ease that only ignites that feeling of worry within me. "You don't need to apologize for anything. I already get it."

"Get what?"

"That you don't feel that way, if your reaction was anything to go by," he answers, and all I feel at that moment is dread. " _I'm_  the one that needs to apologize. I mean, I... I  _kissed_  you out of nowhere expecting you to be okay with it, and I'm  _really_  sorry for that... I just don't want any more awkwardness between us..."

"No, I -- That's not it," I say, "Changbin, you don't  _understand_."

"I don't understand what?" Changbin asks, voice soft.

"I -- " I start, but cut my own self off when Changbin's eyes meet with mine. All the words I wanted to say suddenly seem to be trapped inside my throat, preventing me from voicing out how I  _actually_  feel about him.

I smack my forehead in that unexpected, uncoordinated Felix Lee fashion, which is how I behave when things don't go my way. "...Fuck."

Changbin's eyes light up with brief amusement. "Felix, you good?"

"I am, I am. I just --  _Argh_!"

"Felix -- "

"Don't you wanna do it?"

"Do what?"

"Shout at me? Hit me?  _Scream_  at me? Why aren't you  _pissed_  at me? Why are you being so  _nice_  to me after that way I treated you? Why  _aren't_  you affected?"

"Believe me, I am," Changbin tells me, the only indication of him feeling any sort of negative emotion being how evasive he's being with his eye-contact, as if he's wary of me knowing exactly how he feels, just like how I'm being. "I mean, I  _was_. At first, I got really,  _really_  mad at you. Like, really mad. But then I realized I just couldn't  _stay_  mad at you for long, put myself in your shoes which made me understand a little bit more why you reacted the way you did, and then all that bitterness faded off. I mean, we've been friends for quite some time, so I really don't want us to stop talking or anything like that. That is, if you still wanna be my friend..."

The way his voice loses a bit of its momentum just at the very end of his last sentence catches my attention, and I realize if I hadn't known Changbin at all I would've thought that he's put everything behind him. The slight falter in his gaze and the little way his shoulders tense up tell me much more than his words ever would.

"I... still wanna be your friend," I answer, much more sure of myself than I actually thought I'd be. I'm a little bit more determined now, now that I had an inkling as to what I'm going to do.

"That's uh, that's good," is Changbin's answer, tone  _too_  lighthearted and stable that it sounds almost  _fake_. Before I can ponder on what his words  _truly_  mean, he points at the shopping cart stationed not too far from us. "You gonna cash that any time soon?"

"Uh, yeah," I laugh a little, "I will. I gotta get home soon, or my mom would have a fit, so..."

"I'll walk you out."

"You didn't come to buy anything?"

"No," Changbin muttered. He meets my eyes briefly before looking away again. "I admit, I... saw you when you entered the store, so I entered too."

It's a good thing Changbin isn't looking at me, because at that moment in time I start to blush before I can control myself.

 

***

 

 

As soon as I get home, I drop all the stuff I bought inside the kitchen, tell my mom I'll help set up for dinner very soon and run all the way to Olivia's room, passing my own room on the way. It's completely intentional, just like the way I'm basically attacking her bedroom door right now with several knocks at the same time.

  
"Oh my god, Felix! What is it?" Liv exclaims the second she opens the door. Her irritated expression only softens when she sees my light pout. "...What?"

"Okay, well," I start while clasping my hands behind my back, "Hypothetical question: What does someone do when they're suffering from a  _very_  bad case of emotional constipation that makes it incredibly and annoyingly  _difficult_  to voice out what they  _truly_  feel, especially when it concerns someone?"

Olivia blinks. "...Okay. I only got like  _five percent_  of what you said, but I think that's enough." She looks off to the side, stroking her chin in a mock philosophical way for a couple seconds before looking back at me again. "Simple. You voice out your feelings... by  _singing_  it."

"I figured as much," I mutter, "Guess I've gotta try and work on my vocals before next week then."

Olivia looks surprised. "Wait, what?"

"I'm gonna head to my room now."

"Wait, Felix -- "

"See you at dinner!"

Immediately as I enter my room, I fling myself onto my bed, snuggling up to the fluffy and huge koala Changbin got me a while back -- because I've  _sort_  of neglected it for a while, not gonna lie -- and then I grab my phone, quickly going on the chaotic groupchat my closest friends and I'd made.

**Flex: guys, is changbin there?**

**Petty: uh,, no?**

**Flex: thank god**

**MickeyMouse: yeah, he aint here**

**MinnieMouse: they're right. but why are you asking though? anna said you guys had a fight, and pete and i want answers**

**Petty: ^**

**Flex: listen, i messed up bad**

**MickeyMouse: yep you did**

**Flex: and now i really wanna fix everything**

**Petty: yeah alright thats cool and all, but you're missing a vEry important detail**

**MinnieMouse: we still don't know what's going on!**

**Flex: anna can fill you guys up on that. i just need you guys to cooperate with me on this okay?**

**Flex: and make sure this stays a secret from changbin until miss jones' drama class on monday**

**MickeyMouse: wait, what are you getting at?**

**Petty: ^^^**

**Flex: before drama class starts, i'm gonna perform**

**MinnieMouse: but we have classes in the auditorium now due to rehearsals**

**Flex: yep**

**MickeyMouse: so you're gonna be on stage**

**Flex: yep**

**Petty: and that means you're... singing**

**Flex: yep**

**Petty: holy shit i need to screenshot this convo before you back out or something**

**Petty: s c r e e n  s h o t t e d**

**Flex: fuck you pete, i'm already nervous as it is**

**MickeyMouse: oh my god, you're gonna apologize to changbin through a song. that's so sweet**

I bite my lip, thinking over Anna's words. I'm tempted to clarify what exactly I'm going to do, since  _technically_  I've already apologized to Changbin, but I stop myself before I reveal too much and potentially risk backing out of the whole plan altogether.

**Flex: yeah,, i'm aplogizing to changbin through the song**

**Flex: i just hope he ends up believing me**

**Petty: s c r e e n  s h o t t e d**

**Flex: pete stop**

**Flex: can someone tell pete to stop??**

**MinnieMouse: i cant believe you're actually gonna sing. i don't even think i've heard you sing for ever since sophomore year**

**Flex: well, life's full of trying new things after all. i just have to find the perfect song for him, work on my vocals and hope i'm still as good now as i was back then on a piano lol**

**Petty: s c r e e n  s h o t t e d**

**Flex: oh fuck off**

**MickeyMouse: i'm really happy you're doing this, felix**

**MinnieMouse: yeah, me too**

**MinnieMouse: BUT i still don't know what's going on!**

**Petty: ^^**

**Flex: i'll talk to you guys later. make sure changbin knows none of this**

With a resounding sigh, I click off the group chat and lie on my back, staring at the ceiling. I'm nervous at what I'm planning to do, but I tell myself that I can't chicken out. I  _have_  to go through with this, so at least Changbin would realize that I'm being sincere.

 

***

 

 

Miss Jones is taken aback, no doubt, her jade green eyes sparkling with surprise when I tell her I have a song to sing a few minutes before her class officially starts.

 

 

"Woah, okay Felix. I thought you didn't sing again after  _Tangled's_  production two years ago," she responds. I laugh even though my nerves are currently shaking me to my core, because I know what she said is a joke and I want to find a way to distract myself from how on-edge I am.

  
"I uh, yeah," I say, biting hard on my lower lip. "I just -- Can I use the piano?"

"Yeah, sure," Miss Jones tells me. "It's all yours. But -- just so you know, you have a ten-minute time frame to work with, due to rehearsals and all."

I rub my hands together, exhaling a trembling sigh. "I know. I'll try and work with it."

I enter the sparsely populated auditorium, looking around to see if there's any sign of my friends and Changbin anywhere, since it's almost time for classes to start.

People start piling in, and even though the sight of a commendable amount of people located at one place isn't enough to make me nervous -- usually -- my hands start to sweat so I wipe them on my jeans.

Miss Jones rushes past me to get the piano and mic I'd use in place so I won't take too much time before I start the song, and it's at that time when I see Seungmin, Pete, Anna and Changbin walking inside the hall along with a cluster of other students, and my chest instantly feels tight.

However, I chose to ignore the queasiness I'm feeling and even give a small wave at Anna when our eyes meet, relieved and satisfied when she waves back.

"Settle down everyone," Miss Jones tells her entire class, which in turn, brings their attention on the both of us. "Before we start the rehearsals, Mr. Lee has something he'd like to share with us today."

Feeling  _too_  exposed to be comfortable, I force on a broad smile as I sit on the small bench before the piano and positioning my head in front of the mic I'm going to be using.

It's pretty easy to mask what I'm truly feeling as I meet the expectant gazes of some of my schoolmates. "Uh, hi guys."

People greet back, and I hope my nervousness isn't as obvious as I think it is. I feel a  _lot_  of stares on me, but none hit quite as hard as Changbin's own, which only shows how I can feel his stares even without directly meeting his eyes.

"I'm singing this,  _admittedly_ , cheesy song because of... because of someone. I know it may kind of suck, so don't laugh," I start, the mic making my voice reverberate through the wide auditorium space, and I'm relieved when the other students buy into my joke and laugh, "and to that person, I just want to say I'm sorry. I really am. I know I've said it a lot before already, but I just want you to know that I mean every word that I said. Just like... just like how I mean every word I'm about to sing."

Like every stage in a drama hall, there's this spotlight residing on top of me, lighting up my surroundings and making every movement I make more obvious. I look into the crowd once more, and when my eyes lock with Changbin's pair my heart starts to do this  _very_  noticeable thing it does where it races without stopping. I stare a little longer at him than I'd like to admit, and then I place my fingers on the piano and start to play a melody I've gotten quite familiarized with ever since yesterday (since I was practising, of course).

I lean a bit closer to the mic, and without waiting any longer, I start to sing. " _I tried playing it cool, but when I'm looking at you, I can never be brave 'cause you make my heart race_."

By now, I've garnered up some quite a reaction from everyone else inside the auditorium at my song choice -- mostly because I'm actually singing a love song, other than the fact that yeah, I have  _pretty_  decent vocals -- but I pay them no mind and continue to sing, hoping that my nerves don't get the best of me.

" _Shot me out of the sky, you're my kryptonite, you keep making me weak yeah, frozen and can't breathe._ " Since I'm playing on a piano, this song sounds slower, sadder, and more  _sincere_  somehow, but that only makes that thing I'm feeling all the more prominent. " _Something's gotta get out, 'cause if not they just don't make you see, that I need you here with me now, 'cause you've got that one thing_."

I look away from the piano and intothe auditorium, not to gauge the reaction of my classmates but to look for Changbin. When we're looking at each other again, I smile and despite all my thoughts and feelings being one huge jumbled mess, I can only hope he sees my true intentions loud and clear because right now, I think it's getting pretty obvious.

" _So get out, get out get out of my head, and fall into my arms instead. I don't, I don't don't know what it is, but I need that one thing, and you've got that one thing_."

" _Now I'm climbing the walls, but you don't notice at all, that I'm going out of my mind yeah, all day and all night._ " I keep staring without looking away, and even with the darkish lighting that's everywhere apart from where I am, I can still see how flustered Changbin's become. And even without him being near to me, I figure out that he's probably blushing right now. It only makes my heart undeniably flutter. " _Something's gotta get out, 'cause I'm dying just to know your name, and I need you here with me now, 'cause you've got that one thing._ "

I continue pressing on the piano keys, putting all my emotions into this pop song and hoping that they get conveyed clear enough. As I sing the song's chorus, my mind goes back to Changbin, and I think about his touch, about his  _amazing_  smile, and how funny, kind and sweet he can be when the situation calls for it. Most of all, I think of the how  _alive_  and euphoric I felt when he kissed me, and, though it'd taking me a moment too long to figure everything else, at least I could pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling now.

When I'm almost done with the song, I look back into the crowd of students, and a dull pang resides inside me when I see no sign of Changbin anywhere for a couple seconds. I almost miss a note when I catch sight of him again, almost breaking out into a sigh of relief when I realize he's just heading backstage.

A thundering applause follows after my song has ended, and I barely have time to answer all the questions and bask in the compliments my drama mates are giving me as I'm already heading down the stage and into the back, knowing that Changbin would be there.

"How... how was it?" I mutter once I see him. When he watches me, I rub the back of my neck and let out a breathy chuckle. I'm antsy, and when I'm antsy I say the first thing that comes into my head. "I mean, nothing says 'I like you' than a cheesy One Direction song, amirite?"

In a few steps, Changbin and I chest to chest. His ears are red, and on his lips hold the faintest of smiles. He's dressed like how he normally would on a school day, but I can't pull my eyes off from his face.

"You like me," he states, almost to himself.

"I mean, I just sang a love song just now, and I looked at you a lot, so...  _Yeah_ , I guess."

Changbin smiles, and he looks so good that he's literally  _glowing_. "You're an idiot."

Slowly and gently (and also a bit nervously), I snake my arms around him and pull him even closer to me. And luckily, Changbin doesn't object at the contact.

"Yeah, you sang a song for me," Changbin whsipers, our faces so close now that his breath sends shivers down my back, along with the fact that I find his low voice  _incredibly_  attractive, if I'm being honest. "...But how can I be so sure you're telling the truth, hmm?"

"Changbin..." I say, and he has the audacity to laugh.

"...What?"

I stare directly into his eyes, observing how deep and big they are, lulling me in. Cupping his face with my hands, I step even closer, and suddenly all the applause, all the chatter and all the noise from the outside word fades out into mere white static the second I kiss him.


	16. step 16: hidden charms (changbin)

**I ADMIT THE** whole thing with Felix using the time before drama class officially started to sing for me undoubtedly made me feel good, and kind of  _impressed_. The fact that he did something like  _that_  (downright  _serenading_  me) in front of all those other students, made me feel that compulsion to  _do_  something, and before I could stop myself, I went backstage to meet with up with that attractive, funny and admittedly dorky Australian and we ended up kissing too. Everything felt -- and  _still_  feels -- nothing short of surreal, not to mention really  _super sweet_  that it could give me a dose of diabetes, because no one had ever done something like that for me before.

Though I'd forgiven Felix long before he ever had that insane, yet kind of charming idea to sing that 1D song for me, he still makes it known several times over that he's sorry for what he did, apologizing greatly for how badly he'd reacted to me kissing him earlier on. In response, I keep telling him I'm not mad at him anymore, because hating Felix is equivalent to punching an injured puppy, and though I held Felix at a higher value than some animal, that only goes to show how difficult it would be to stay furious at him.

Of course, someone as well known as Felix can't simply do something like what he did during drama class without sparking any sort of attention from the rest of the witnesses, and ever since Monday he's been getting loads of questions from our gossiping peers who want to know who the 'lucky girl' is. Felix manages to evade their questions time and time again by giving out vague answers in response, and I seriously don't know how he even  _deals_  with their annoying asses without wanting to punch them square in the face like I often wanted to do whenever I saw one of them cornering Felix.

Due to Felix's friends knowing a bit more of what had taken place between us, especially Anna, I'm sure they have an inkling as to what exactly happened with Felix and I the second we met up backstage after his performance. But luckily, they don't press us for any answer, which is convenient due to the fact that  _I'm_  the one who requested Felix to keep mum about our relationship 'status' in the first place, considering the  _stigma_  that surrounds the kind of relationship we have, and I'm especially not at all ready to deal with all that right now.

And luckily, Felix doesn't put up a fight, which I'd long ago predicted, noticing the anxious state of mind he got into the week before we got together. I knew how worked up he got over it, so I was sure the best thing to do was to keep everything a secret until he gets more comfortable with dating someone of the same sex, which I am.

"What are you thinking about?" Felix asks me, his voice cutting through my multitude of thoughts about nothing other than  _him_. Not that he needs to know that.

He's coddled up next to me, his shoulders and arms brushing gently against mine and our hands are interlocked. His skin is flush and warm and his head is positioned on my chest, locks of his slightly messy blond hair tickling the curve of my neck. It's all sensory overload, but in the most amazing way possible.

"Mmm, nothing," I mutter against his forehead, lips curving upwards to form a content smile when he leans more against me on the sofa we're sat on, both of us watching the show on the TV sporadically. Almost immediately, my heartbeat thumps against the confines of my chest and my lips linger on his exposed forehead for a little while before giving it a feathery light kiss. I don't need to stare at him to know he's now smiling.

"It doesn't sound like it's 'nothing', though," Felix all but whispers, thumb gliding over the skin of my hand. Ever since he'd kissed me and we decided shortly afterwards to give dating a shot (which still feels kind of  _unreal_ , in that beautiful sort of way), he's never lacked in giving out physical affection, especially when it comes to me. Ever since we first met and started talking, I'd pegged him as the type to enjoy being as physically intimate as he can be with someone due to how friendly and caring he is, and now that we're  _actually_  together, he doesn't fail to deliver in that area.

And normally, all of that contact and snuggling and handholding would be enough to drive me outright  _insane_ , since I'm not exactly the type of person to enjoy being this  _close_  with someone, but that isn't the case with Felix, surprisingly. Whenever he touches me, smiles at me, or even does something as  _simple_  as just staring at me with those deep brown eyes of his, my heart does this noticeable flip and it becomes much more easier for me to feel happy, and much more easier for me to feel  _enthusiastic_  about facing the day ahead. Whenever he  _kisses_  me, I feel like I'm on cloud nine, unable to get rid of the addictive high and excited nerves that take over me the second his lips meet mine.

Felix reaches out a finger and taps on my nose, which brings me back to the present. I focus my eyes on him, noticing how he's staring up at me, blinking innocently as if he hadn't done anything out of the ordinary.

"You look kind of bothered," he starts, his hand laced with mine once more, as if that's where it belongs. As if that's its  _rightful place_. I can't help but admit to myself that I actually like the sound of that. "Is something up?"

"Nah, nothing other than the fact that you practically just  _assaulted_  my nose," I joke, deciding on teasing him at that moment. The show on the TV had became quite predictable, and there's only a number of things two teenaged boys watching some show on a quiet Saturday afternoon can do before they get bored and look for another source of entertainment.

"I did  _not_." Felix's nose scrunches up, and a coy smile grows on his face, momentarily distracting me. "You're overexaggerating things."

With the soft blond hair that frames his face, his round expressive eyes and the many charming freckles that dot his cheeks and nose, it's  _impossible_  for me not to swoon over his appearance. His beauty and one-of-a-kind mannerisms are more than enough to make me feel like some teenaged girl obsessing over her favourite idol, and those two are just few of the many,  _many_  attributes he possesses that draw me to him, even before we officially got to know one another.

"Okay, I'm  _actually_  worried now," Felix tells me, and with this his hand breaks from mine, making it feel a little cold. He shifts so that he's facing me more squarely now, his eyes not leaving my face even when I start to get a bit uncomfortable by it. He places a hand on my lap, the seemingly casual action making my heart skip an uncontrollable beat. "I  _know_  you don't like being stared at for too long, but I've  _got_  to do this since I've been told my eyes can make people spill out their deepest, darkest secrets. They're like a lie detector made out of blood and veins, honest to God."

I softly shove his shoulder, letting out a disbelieving chuckle in the process before deciding at the last moment to leave my hand there just because. "That's so dumb."

"It's not dumb," Felix cracks a smile, though it looks nervous, "But... I hope you aren't quiet because you're still...mad at me."

I frown at this, not hesitating to give him an answer. " _God, no_. Why are you still worked up over that topic? I've told you I'm not mad anymore, Felix. It's already in the past."

"I know," Felix sighs, "but I acted like a dick -- "

"Hey, everyone acts like a dick from time to time," I counter, trailing my hand down his arm in a comforting motion. I smile when he shudders at this, leaning into my touch.

"Yeah, I know -- But what I did was basically  _inexcusable_ ," Felix continues. His eyebrows are crossed, his jaw set and his eyes ridden with unmistakable guilt. It instantly bothers me, since it's a look that I  _don't,_ and never will like seeing on him. "I know I've apologized several times, but that still doesn't change the fact that I made you  _cry_."

Now it's  _my_  turn to furrow my eyebrows, cringing at the mention of  _that_  time. "Oh my  _god_ , Felix -- " I stroke his cheek with my thumb which makes him finally look at me, his eyes bearing that  _kicked puppy_  look. "As I said earlier, it's all the past, okay? And don't mention that time, it's kind of embarrassing. Ruins my ' _dark boy_ ' image."

At this, an amused glint appears in Felix's eyes, "Dark boy image? You're a  _total_  soft boy."

"Soft boy my ass," I scoff, chuckling when Felix grins and starts laughing. "Hey, I'm not kidding."

"You're a  _soft boy_ , Changbin," Felix presses, inching even closer to me until there's only a couple centimeters between us. But it's obvious none of us mind it too much. "Like those ones on Tumblr that listen to alternative rock, write posts about how ' _no one understands them_ ' and how they ' _long to meet someone who they can_   _share the intricate thoughts of their mind with underneath the diamond starlit skies at nightfall_ '."

I burst out laughing, shaking my head at Felix's words. "How the hell do you know what Tumblr soft boys are like? Unless  _you're_  the one that's a soft boy."

"Dude, you're right," he replies, "how else would I ace my English essays if I wasn't good at being fake deep?"

I run my thumb over his cheek again, staring and just  _admiring_ , really, the way Felix's eyes light up when he talks and the wide gorgeous smile that adorns his lips when he laughs at what he says. Like I've said before, it doesn't take a genius to know that the boy in front of me is as attractive as they come (which is one of the things I'd first noticed about him when we started school together), but now, along with that acknowledgement comes the  _reality_  that  _this_  boy before me is  _real_ , that he's in a relationship with  _me_ , and that he's so goddamn  _beautiful_ , inside and out.

"You're so weird," I say, and although this isn't my first time saying this to Felix, it's  _definitely_  the first time I say it so endearingly. "And you're in  _so much trouble_  for calling me a  _soft boy_. That's an insult!"

"Hey, soft boys can be cute," Felix shrugs.

"They're the  _epitome_  of cringe," I argue back, trying to sound offended but failing miserably. I rest my hands on his shoulder and weave them behind his neck, pulling his face closer to me. "And for that, you're gonna get punished."

Felix grins, clearly not taking my 'threat' seriously. "Ooh, what are you gonna do, Mr. Soft Boy?"

I lean in and close up the remaining distance between our faces, our lips crashing together along the way. Unlike the previous kisses we've shared, this kiss is more sultry than sweet. Felix's lips are soft, tender, and inviting against mine, and when I move my lips against his in a motion that's a little bit more rough than what we're used to, he doesn't hesitate to give in, hands threading through the dark strands of my hair which leaves me both electrified and breathless.

Our lips mold together like hurried footprints on fresh snow, and when his tongue runs across the bottom part of my lip, asking for entrance, I give it to him, feeling flashes of hot and cold pulsate through me without stopping. With us kissing like this it might as well be our first time trying this out, because my heart feels  _this_  close to collapsing in on itself.

I feel Felix smiling into the kiss, letting out a breathy chuckle that honestly doesn't fail to make me weak in the knees, and I'm glad we're both resting against the couch at this moment in time. My palms subconsciously fist the neckline of his grey shirt, the warmness of his body making the capillaries under my skin burst into miniature fireworks.

I pull away to obtain some oxygen in a lackluster motion, since it's as obvious as day I'm reluctant to let him go that easily, and with Felix's cute little whine of protest, it's obvious he's just as unwilling to stop kissing me as I am kissing him.

It's  _especially_  obvious when he starts to litter my face with kisses, starting from my cheek and slowly making his way down the slope of my neck.

"...We just made out," he states between pecks, each one sending tingles down up my spine.

"Yeah," I lightly chuckle, my somewhat calm expression contrasting greatly with how much I'm currently freaking out on the inside. "...And where'd you learn to kiss like that, big guy?"

"Oh you know, practising on my hand really comes in handy at times," Felix says, to which I laugh at in response.

I shake my head. "You're kidding."

"Uh... no, actually. I mean, I didn't  _actually_  practice anything on my hand -- that'll be weird, but," Felix stares at me for half a second before staring down again, "You're the first person I've ever... _kissed_."

"Wait, really?" I voice out, and he quickly nods, his cheeks growing a dark red. "I'm your first kiss."

"...Yeah. I know that's probably so hard to believe, but I've never kissed anyone apart from you. Never even had the interest to, anyway."

"I..." I pause, searching for the most appropriate way to respond to what he just told me. "It's...okay that I'm your first kiss. If you think I'm going to make fun of you or see you as  _weird_ , you're wrong, okay? There's  _nothing_  wrong with it, so stop thinking that way."

"I wasn't thinking about it," Felix says, but he has that guilty and insecure look on his face again.

"I can see you were. I'm not gonna think of you strangely just because you never kissed anyone but me before now. That'll be fucked up for me to do. ... _And_ ," I continue, gracing him with a relatively shy smile, "I feel a little... _special_  that  _I'm_  the first person you've ever kissed."

Felix's cheeks turn an even darker shade of red, if possible, and his ears are pretty pink too. He looks away, positioning his head on the crook of my neck to try and hide himself from me.

I gently run my hand through his hair. "Felix."

I can feel his breath fanning my skin as he quietly replies, still determined as ever not to meet my eyes. "...Hmm?"

"Look at me."

Felix doesn't move from his spot, which involves him using me as his human sized pillow, lazily kissing my neck as if he isn't making my heart skip almost every second due to his action.

"Felix, look at your boyfriend."

Like a little stray puppy scared of accepting food from a stranger, he takes his sweet time to fully meet my gaze, looking so  _childlike_  with his reluctance that I have to resist the sudden urge to smother him with my kisses. Instead, I grin at him and wrap one arm around his waist.

"Felix, stop being so shy."

"I'm not shy," he mumbles, still keeping his gaze trained on his lap. When I peck his lips though, he cracks a timid, pretty smile.

"There's nothing you should be worried about. You're an  _amazing_  kisser," he blushes even more at this, "and you're also super nice, really adorable, funny and... insanely sweet."

I entwine my hand with his, raising our fists so he can see them more clearly. "I'm pretty bad at wording out my feelings, but...You see this, right? We're  _holding hands_ , because we really like each other and we're  _dating_.  _I_  really like  _you_ , Felix. You're kind and weird and also super strange and dorky at times, but that's all part of  _your_  charm. That's what makes you  _you_. That's what  _draws_  me to you. And something as silly as the fact that you've never  _kissed_  anyone other than me before isn't going to change that... okay?"

Felix stares at our hands, long lashes batting against his skin when he stares at me. He slowly nods. "Okay..."

I don't waste any time in enclosing him in my arms when he snuggles up to me, lying his head on top of my chest. He plays with one of my hands, and after planting a light kiss on the palm, he faces me.

"Am I your first kiss?"

I slowly shake my head, really hoping he won't want to know more about who I had my first kiss with. "Nah, you weren't."

"Oh." I can practically  _see_  the disappointment wafting off his voice.

I place my lips on his for a couple of sweet, absolutely wonderful moments, wishing for more days like this in the future before I decide to answer him. "Hey, my first kiss totally sucked though. You're a  _thousand_  times better."

For the millionth time this late afternoon, Felix blushes. And since he's blushing, he hides his face next to my neck, nuzzling his head on it like a puppy craving warmth from its owner. And it's extremely cute, oh my god. I don't admit this to him, but I always like it when he goes out of his way to be close to me, just because. It makes me feel  _wanted_ , like I actually  _belong_  somewhere, and after all that's happened before that's what I long to feel like the most.

"Can I stay over today? I'll text my parents I'm staying here for the night, and I'm sure they'll agree."

Though I'm a bit flustered at the thought of having Felix  _sleep_  next to me in my room tonight, I nonetheless shrug, unable to help the grin that takes over my features when Felix does this little clap of joy and hugs me, before running off into the direction of my room to go get his phone.

I busy myself for some time with watching the show on the TV, and after a few minutes have passed, I start to become more and more aware that Felix still hasn't come out of my room yet.

Ignoring the boring show, I hop on my feet and start on the familiar path that will lead me to my personal room. "...Felix?"

It's extremely silent on this side of the house, and while that normally isn't enough to disturb me since I'm used to the quietness already, this time the whole thing feels worrying and, not to mention,  _unsettling_.

"Felix?"

I come across my room, and without hesitating further I push the door open, nervous at what I might see, which is very dumb of me to think since it's  _just_  Felix that's there.

Felix is sat at the edge of my bed, body positioned weirdly as if he's holding himself back from something. It seems as if he's stuck in some sort of freeze frame, and his phone is clutched in his hand. He's not looking at it, or at  _anything_ , for that matter.

"Felix?" I say, heading over to him. As if my voice breaks him from whatever trance he's in, he becomes animated once more and stands up, engulfing me in a hug that catches me off guard. "Felix? W-What's wrong?"

Felix's arms wrap around my shoulder as he buries his head on my chest. He's holding me so tightly, which only makes  _me_  more worried.

"Felix,  _please_  tell me what happened."

"I just -- I don't wanna talk about it right now," he stammers, hands gripping onto the material of my sweater like a lifeline. "I don't wanna talk about any of it. Just... just distract me."

"O-Okay," I reply, unable to understand why Felix is acting the way he is, but still determined to get his mind off what's clearly troubling him. "We... we should go out tonight, take my car, and just  _drive_. Is that... Is that okay with you?"

Felix inhales a deep breath and nods against my chest. "I-It's okay."


	17. step 17: a secret for a secret (changbin)

**IT'S SO SILENT**  inside the car I can hear a pin drop, but the many thoughts inside my head at that moment ring louder than the heavyweight silence ever will. I keep my palms locked around the steering wheel, since the sky's gotten progressively darker the few minutes Felix and I have spent on the road. I try not to let myself get distracted by the boy beside me and focus on driving instead, but I can't help the feeling of worry that won't leave because of Felix's unusual quietness.

Several questions and curiosity about what Felix might've seen on that phone that made him like this form within my mind, but I push them away for the time being so I can concentrate better on what I'm doing.

The windows are rolled down, but aren't too low to make the interior of the car too cold, and a gentle breeze enters through the opening from time to time, slightly ruffling up Felix's blond hair since his cheek's pressed against the glass. He's staring out the window, eyes seeming to be off at someplace else; someplace far, far away from the present and my curiosity only  _grows_  at this, as well as the worried feeling. That worried feeling is still as prevalent as ever, and something tells me it won't leave until I'm  _one hundred_  percent sure that Felix is actually okay.

Though I told him we'd just spend tonight mindlessly driving around, I realize that, while it may seem like a good idea at first, it won't achieve anything in the long run. For me to know what's possibly up with Felix, I'd need to actually  _talk_  with him, not just spend the majority of tonight not saying anything of value.

So I decide for us to stop at this 24-hour diner that I spot a couple minutes in, so that we can warm up and spend some time in there, hopefully talking things out with each other.

"Hope you don't mind," I tell Felix after I make sure to park the car at a secure location close to the diner. He blinks and nods at me, looking like he just snapped out of some kind of daze, which is when I know I was right when I figured that his mind is currently occupied with something I don't know about. Nonetheless, I continue to explain myself. "There's this diner nearby. It's open, so I thought we'd go in and just... _talk_. I can also get you something, if you want."

Felix flashes me one of his soft, yet bright, smiles, and I would've been convinced that it's all real if it isn't for the fact that his smile doesn't really reach his eyes. "That'll be... that'll be good. Thanks for this, by the way."

"Hey, no need to thank me," I joke, returning his smile to try and lessen his nerves a little bit. It works, because his smile gains more of its familiar radiance, "Isn't it part of the boyfriend job description to be supportive and extra caring when their significant other's going through a tough time?"

Felix lightly shoves my shoulder and chuckles. "You're acting kinda weird now. I think I've rubbed off on you too much."

"So you're admitting that you're a generally cheesy person?" I reply, narrowing my eyes at him.

"I'm not admitting it," Felix says, expression smug even though his eyes are still more dull than they're supposed to be, "I'm  _owning_  it. Nothing wrong with being extra cheesy from time to time. As you said: it's  _all part of my charm_."

He pulls on the material of the grey hoodie he's wearing, which just so happens to be  _my_  hoodie. He then raises an eyebrow at me. "You know what this hoodie is made out of?"

"Don't you dare say it." I turn off the ignition, fixing him with a mock warning glare.

Felix lowers his voice. " _Boyfriend material_."

I close my eyes, trying to convey that I'm  _totally done_  with him right now, and take in a deep breath to put more emphasis on that fact. But then my lips curve upwards to form a triumphant smile when Felix bursts into fits of laughter at my reaction, because I'm happy that he's noticeably feeling better now.

I open my eyes when I feel his lips on mine, but I don't object to what he just did, and I stare at him. "You know, we should probably get in now. The car's getting really stuffy with all the windows rolled up," I mutter against his lips, and Felix pulls away, nodding as he does so.

"...Yeah," he tells me, before opening his side of the car door and stepping out. I follow his lead, and when we're both out of the car, Felix shoves his hands into his (my) hoodie pockets and proceeds to act out a  _very_  overexaggerated shiver, clattering teeth and all.

I laugh and lock up my car doors, before facing him. Though he might have faked most of his shivering, I can still tell he's affected by the immensely cold atmosphere due to how unnaturally stiff he looks.

I walk up to him and stretch out my hand. "Come on."

The mischievous breeze plays a bit more with Felix's blond strands, but it only succeeds in  _beautifying_  him even more, especially when his freckled cheeks glow red and a small smile grows on his lips. He looks like the poster-child of ' _carefree_ ' and ' _high on life_ ', and looking at him is enough make  _me_  more optimistic about whatever could be lying ahead of us. He rests his hand in mine, and then we make our way towards the diner, its neon lights casting small shadows upon its surroundings.

As soon as we enter the small diner, Felix removes his other hand from his hoodie pocket and points to a booth for four at the further end of the place, which is free of any wandering eyes. His other hand is still laced with mine, but I make the move to let go after taking into account the people -- although how small in number they are -- seated at different sections of the somewhat dark diner.

My actions definitely don't go unnoticed by Felix, and he stares at me in confusion until we actually  _look_  at each other. I just shake my head, and that's when his confusion softens into some sort of understanding. Though he isn't saying anything, I can tell that he's bothered by what I did, but I absolutely don't want any unwanted attention on us just because we're two guys holding hands, since the main reason we're here in the first place is to talk things out. Not to mention, having Felix comfortable is at the top of my priorities right now, and I don't want him to freak out again or anything because of what some strangers think about  _our_  kind of relationship.

When we sit at the table we've chosen, Felix doesn't waste any second longer before reaching across the table and intertwining our hands.

"You sure like holding my hands now," I say with a smirk, and he just shrugs in response.

"You hand feels really warm, and I'm cold, so." He lets out a content hum when I run my fingers over his smooth skin, admiring for a few seconds how  _small_  his hand looks in comparison to mine. The sight makes me smile.

"Hey," I speak up, my voice on the softer side even though I don't know the reason why, actually. This catches Felix's attention, and when our eyes meet I continue to talk. "I brought us here to, you know, talk. I noticed how...  _worked up_  you got earlier when you said you wanted to call your parents, and it really worried me. And it still does, actually. I was hoping you'll tell me what's up...?"

Felix stares at the table and inhales a breath, before quickly shaking his head. "Uh, yeah. I'll uhm, I'll tell you. It's nothing... _serious_  though."

"Doesn't matter," I reply, "I just want to know what got my  _boyfriend_  so sad earlier." I caress his hand again, grinning widely when he laughs and jokingly chastises me for being so  _extra_  today. "Turn that frown upside down, Felix."

"Who are you and what have you done with Changbin?" Felix asks me with an overly loud gasp. He then pokes my cheek, and after we both laugh he looks thoughtful for a while.

"...Felix?" I voice out, unable to make my words louder than a whisper since I was afraid I'd break the lighthearted atmosphere we currently had going on. "If you're not comfortable with with it, you don't need to tell me anything. I won't force you to do what you don't want to do."

Felix shakes his head, displaying that nervous habit he developed recently, which is playing with my fingers whenever he's bothered or anxious about something. "No, I'm comfortable with it. I mean -- I  _want_  to tell you what got me so worked up. And, in return I'd like you to tell me something too."

At this I stare directly at him, my interests undoubtedly piqued. "Well, okay. What do you wanna know?"

"That rainy Saturday when I dropped my sister off at her friend's place, I saw you at that convenience store..." Felix starts, and my body freezes up without warning and suddenly I'm no longer holding his hand. He takes notice of this, but he continues to speak even though he looks much more reluctant about the whole thing now due to my reaction. "...And you were crying. I just -- I want to know why."

I bite hard on my lip and exhale a long, defeated sigh. "This is literally blackmail."

"You don't have to tell me anything, though. I just -- I was just curious. I didn't mean to anger you in any way."

"Stop apologizing," I sharply interrupt, which causes him to stop talking altogether, and now I feel bad. "I'll tell you about that time, only if you tell me what's on your mind. But we won't go into detail if we're  _too_  uncomfortable by it. Deal?"

"We won't go into detail if we're too uncomfortable by it," Felix repeats with a short nod. He shakes my hand, which makes me laugh at how professional we're being. He laughs too. "Deal."

After this, I lean further into my seat and fold my arms, nodding for him to start.

"Okay," he begins, clasping his hands together. "I got a call. From someone that I know, but we really haven't been close lately."

"...Who is it?" I question him, a little apprehensive of which name he would utter next.

Felix stares off to the side, running one hand through his hair to fix it even if it doesn't actually need fixing. "...It was Stacey. Y'know, Stacey Green? My... _ex_?"

I uncross my arms, inching closer to him in the process. Images of her, especially the ones at that party where she'd tried to talk to Felix flash through my mind. "... _Stacey_? Why's she calling you?"

"I don't... I don't know," Felix shrugs, and his voice sounds so blank that I find it hard to fully believe what's he's saying. "After we broke up a few weeks into junior year, I changed my number. Let everyone close to me know the new one except for her. We never actually spoke after that. I mean, it wasn't like I went out of my way to have a decent conversation with her either." He stops raking his hand through his hair and proceeds to start picking at his nails, all the while avoiding eye contact with me.

"Felix." I take a hold of one of his hands and give it a reassuring, secure squeeze, so that he'd at least know I'm here with him and stop fidgeting so much. "You don't need to tell me more if you don't want to. We made a deal, remember?"

"Yeah, I know," he groans, looking frustrated with himself. "But, I  _do_  want to tell you more, so I can at least get this shitty feeling off my chest." He stares at me. "We dated for a couple months before we started junior year, including over summer break. It was okay, but I wasn't really into her -- I wasn't really into anyone, to be honest."

My eyebrows furrow. "So why'd you date her?"

At my question, Felix looks physically pained, like he genuinely can't think of a way to answer. I see this as a red flag and try and dissuade him from continuing, but he just shakes his head, still as determined as ever to answer my question.

"Felix -- "

"Don't worry Changbin. I got this," he responds, sucking in his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment. "Remember that Rapunzel play she and I took part in sophomore year?" I nod, which he takes as his cue to continue. "We were so good at our roles, apparently, that lots of people thought we'd look good together. I wasn't interested, but it turned out that she  _was_  interested. She got really obvious in her actions, and since she and I were pretty popular at that time, people thought it was weird that we  _weren't_  together yet. So, I eventually got sick of all the talk, sick of how  _lacking_  I felt compared to my schoolmates, and decided to date her, figuring that she didn't seem  _that_  bad. I...I think the main reason I made her my girlfriend in the first place was because I  _wanted_  to convince myself that I  _could_  actually develop feelings for someone, and that I won't be the odd one out any longer amongst the people around me..."

I certainly never expected Felix to say those things, or anything along those lines, and by his small chuckle I can tell he sees the obvious expression of surprise plastered on my face. I start to speak. "...I remember you guys dating, though I wasn't much into who dated who back then. I never paid much attention too, but I always thought you both liked each other."

"Well -- she liked me. And she was nice. She was a...good girlfriend, I guess." Felix shoots me a thankful smile when I continue to hold his hands, making sure they get as much warmth as possible. "But, not that long after we started dating, she wanted...  _more_. She wanted all the... the kisses, the dates, the intimacy. You know, the 'normal couple' stuff. But, I couldn't give it to her. I wasn't eager to, and all the feelings I thought I'd get for her sooner or later had never shown themselves even once. She wanted the ideal boyfriend, but... I just couldn't  _be_  that boyfriend."

Felix takes in yet another deep breath. "I just, I dunno, shut her out for some time, and it obviously bothered her too. When summer came, everything became worse. She demanded too much, and I gave too little, and we became more and more tired of each other. It was horrible, especially since I knew most of the problems we encountered were as a result of  _my_  own faults."

"Don't say that," I immediately reply him. "None of that was your fault and you know that. You can't control who you end up liking."

"I know... But at that time that was all I ever thought about. When summer break ended, Stacey asked for a break up, and I felt bad, even worse since I felt nothing but complete  _relief_  when she'd uttered those words. But before we ended things for good, she told me something."

"What... what did she say?" I whisper, witnessing how Felix's pained expression had morphed into one of mental vacancy. He looked tired, beaten down.

"It -- It wasn't anything inherently mean, or anything dramatic, either. She just said I was... a little bit... _weird_  for being so nonchalant over our break up. S-She didn't think I'd ever be...  _good enough_  for anyone I ended up dating in the future." His eyes don't leave the table and he bites on his lip again. "I know it's dumb or whatever, but that statement really,  _really_  got to me. I felt, y'know, kind of  _useless_  when she said that to me."

Anger I hadn't felt in a relatively long time bubbles inside the pit of my stomach right there and then, and this time it's directed towards the blond haired girl who's responsible for making Felix the way he is now. My jaw clenches, and I'm unable to form any tangible words due to Felix's confession, especially since his words were so relatable, they pierced right through me.

" _God_ , Felix, you're  _more_  than enough," I finally manage to choke out, tracing my thumb over his knuckles to form invisible patterns. "What she said is so fucked up."

"It's fine. She called me because she wants to apologize, I guess," Felix whispers. Even though the diner doesn't have much lights to brighten everything up, I can still see his face is getting all red. The kind of red a face gets when they're frustrated or tearful over something. "But -- " he sniffs, attempting a casual smile, "now it's  _your_  turn. Tell me what got you all teary-eyed that Saturday night."

"Before I started highschool here, like  _way_  before then, I lived somewhere else, in another city. It was like, a house, with like several other kids." I clear my throat, feeling a little strange at talking to someone like Felix about my past. I feel all sorts of awkward. "I mean, many kids were there all the time, waiting and hoping they'd come across a family that would want to adopt them."

If this is any other moment, I would've laughed at the way Felix's jaw looks like it's about to drop, but now I look away from him, rubbing the back of my neck.

"You were an  _orphan_?" He questions without any further delay, but I shake my head, finding his shock the tiniest bit amusing.

"...Not exactly. I mean, I might as well have been since my parents didn't exactly  _want_  me. They had me because of their rash decisions and weren't at all ready to take care of a baby at their age. They weren't mentally or financially ready for it either. At least, that's what my aunt told me, which really affected me because all those years I thought I never actually  _had_  parents, only to discover they were hopeless drug addicts that regretted their mistake and sought to get rid of it as quick as possible, leaving it at some shelter in the middle of a city before disappearing."

By this time, the lump in my throat has grown so large it's a  _miracle_  I'm still able to make understandable sentences.

"Changbin," Felix says, voice ridden with emotion. He looks closer to tears than I am. "...Remember the deal?"

"I do. I'm...I'm almost done anyway." I tell him. "The times I spent at that place were kind of rough, since few families actually  _wanted_  to adopt me, but it was made better because of this boy I met that lived quite close to the orphanage. He was really nice to me, and still hung out with me even though his parents weren't  _too_  keen with him spending a lot of time around me. It was pretty hard leaving him though, especially because of all the crazy things that happened before my aunt got involved and adopted me. He was the only person then that made me feel  _good enough_  as I was. And sometimes, I really miss the guy and get a little sappy, hence the reason for that Saturday night."

This time, it's Felix that's giving my hand that reassuring, comforting squeeze, and it makes me feel better since I really need that sense of security right now.

"Oh god, now I feel really dumb," Felix mutters. "You've... you've gone through all this and I'm over here complaining about some  _stupid_  breakup..."

"It's not stupid," I counter. "Everyone has problems, and no one should feel like they can't be allowed to feel bad just because they  _feel_  as if someone else has it worse off than them. And... like I said before, you're more than enough."

"You're more than enough too, Changbin." Felix says, and then grins when I just  _have_  to blush at that exact moment, and then he looks around the diner.

"We should get some ice cream." We pause, and then laugh since we say this together.

And soon enough we're outside, lazily strolling around in the dark with our hands joined and indulging in some tasty ice cream even though it's  _too_  cold outside to be ingesting anything of the sort. I don't think any of us care though.

Most of what I told Felix tonight, I'd kept with me for so long, and I never thought I'd feel  _this_  free after sharing them with Felix, but I feel better than I thought I ever would. I realize that, for people who literally cannot be more opposite from each other, we share more in common than I ever thought we could. Felix felt he wasn't good enough, which I strongly disagreed with even though I'm often times guilty of feeling the same way myself.

Something about tonight feels different, maybe because we actually got to talk a little bit more about ourselves with each other. We also got to know each other better, which made me feel fulfilled in more ways than one. We cried, yes, but we still had a motivating discussion above all else, and no matter how cheesy this sounds, that made me fall a little more harder for the boy beside me that's holding my hand.

We're both flawed, both think we're lacking in more ways than one, and even perfectly imperfect. But, just like the endless stars present on the night sky, there were plenty of opportunities to pick ourselves back up, and plenty of hope left too. And even though we may not have been good enough for others, we're certainly more than enough for each other.

And I have to admit I really like the sound of that.


	18. step 18: two halves of a whole (felix)

**UNLIKE THE LAST** time I found myself stuck in a similar situation like this, I don't flinch or have a mild freaking out session inside my head when I wake up the next morning. Changbin's body's lying next to mine, not that much space between us considering the fact that he's holding me close to him, arms wrapped securely around my torso.

When I was younger, I hadn't been to a lot of sleepovers, especially with Pete and the others so I wasn't exactly familiar with staying over at another person's house. I was more used to my own room, my own bed and my own space. But even with this, I still  _liked_  holding on to something while I slept, since I thought of myself as quite an affectionate type of person in general, and Changbin must've picked up on how much I craved his warmth yesterday night, because as soon as we returned back to his house he didn't waste any time in snuggling up to me and holding my hand. It definitely surprised me, yes, but I really liked it. I still do.

I smile, recalling the vivid, bittersweet memory of yesterday night, and then I close my eyes again, wanting to savour this moment with Changbin as much as possible before any distraction could come in the way. Right now I don't want to think about anything regarding the relationship I had with my ex and all my insecurities piled up into one, instead focusing all my attention on how calm yet sweet this moment feels, the warmth of Changbin's chest against my back, and how I can feel the steady thump of his heartbeat.

At this point in time it's just so easy to  _forget_ ; to cast all causes of my worries aside and concentrate on nothing but the present and the present alone. All the anxiety I felt a couple hours ago have disintegrated into thin air, seeming miniscule compared to the timid butterflies blooming inside my chest when Changbin stirs a little bit, his hold on me firmer than before as if he's afraid of letting me go.

When he first hugged me from behind last night before we finally fell asleep, I'd noticed how less he moved in his sleep, at least compared to the last time he'd stayed over at my house for the night. The thought makes this fondness fill up my insides, and I smile even more. It's exhilarating; all of  _this_ , because prior to this morning, I never would've thought I'd be starting the day off in Changbin's arms -- never thought I'd ever let myself be touched by anyone in  _that_  way either -- and now that I have, now that this is happening, I feel like I'm finally one step closer to being  _myself_.

"...Felix?" Changbin mumbles against the curve of my neck. His voice is low and husky with sleep and it sends chills up my spine. I immediately don't move and make myself silent. "You awake?"

I don't answer, biting hard on my lip so I won't let out any sound whatsoever, and I  _think_  I'm excelling at doing that.

Keyword: Think.

Without warning, Changbin's hand crawls up my waist and below the material of my (his) thin shirt, before tickling the skin underneath. This succeeds in shattering my act completely as I push his hand away and let out a sound a mix between a yelp and a loud laugh.

Changbin laughs at my obvious distress, and when I turn around I frown at him. He laughs even more.

"You're an ass," I tell him, even though it's hard to wipe off the smile growing on my face as I'm still recovering from the after-effects of his tickle. "A complete, utter ass."

Changbin just shrugs, and I can tell he isn't taking me seriously. "Yeah, okay."

I playfully shove him, which takes him by surprise since he ends up falling off the edge of the bed as a result. Now it's  _my_  turn to laugh. "Oh my gosh, I'm sorry!" I peer over the bed, grinning at the boy below me. "Totally didn't mean to do that!"

"Course you didn't." Changbin rolls his eyes at my statement, but he's far from annoyed, I can tell. He's just as amused as I am by this (admittedly) funny situation as well, and he grins right back at me. And, even though this  _isn't_  the first time I've witnessed one of his smiles, I've honestly never seen any one as bright and as  _real_  as the one he's giving me right now.

"What're you staring at?" He asks, which brings me back to the present.

"You," I reply, not even bothering to hide the truth, "And I'm admiring how cute you look right now."

Changbin rolls his eyes again and gets up, but I can tell my compliment affects him more than he lets on because his ears have grown pink. They always turn like that whenever he experiences something that has a high chance of making him blush.

"Cheesy ass," he tsks at me.

I lie back down on his bed, pulling the sheets up my chest since I'm feeling  _too_  comfortable right now to move from my position. It's not my fault his bed's incredibly comfy. "Oh, but you love it."

Changbin sits at the foot of his bed and stares at me as I press my cheek against one of his pillows, trying to make myself more comfortable. "It's very annoying."

" _But you love it_ ," I repeat. I stretch my arms out and make grabby hands for him, giggling when Changbin pretends to look confused by my movement, as if he doesn't know what I want at this exact point in time. "Come back to the bed."

"Why?" Changbin questions, and by now I can tell he's only doing this because he's a freaking tease.

"Because I'm still tired," I say. "...And I want you next to me."

"But what if I don't want to?"

"You don't exactly have a choice," I cheekily answer, "and I know you still want to cuddle."

"We can't exactly  _stay_  in here forever. You'd have to go back home sooner or later, and I'm pretty sure Pete, Anna and Seungmin have  _blown up_  our phones with text messages by now," Changbin retorts. Despite all his words however, he crawls over the bed until his body's lying next to mine, making eye contact with me in the process. "Plus, I'm not really tired -- "

"Shh," I whisper, interrupting him. I scooch even closer to him and hug him, resting my head on his chest. "Don't speak, I'm trying to sleep."

"You're unbelievable," Changbin mumbles, but his words contradict his actions, because in the next second he's reciprocating the hug and running his hand slowly through my hair. "Has someone ever told you how clingy you can be at times?"

I shrug, shutting my eyes. I really like the way he holds me, especially since I'd never pegged him as the sort of person who could give such great cuddles. But I guess I've been proven wrong. "Nope. I'm not usually like this... But I really like it when you touch me -- And I don't mean it in a creepy way at all, so don't give me that look."

"What look? You're not even watching me."

"I can  _feel_  your judgemental eye roll all the way from here," I state, chuckling when Changbin scoffs.

"You said you still want to sleep, so keep quiet."

"That's kinda rude of you to say, if you ask me," I answer, unable to wipe off the smile on my face.

"Well, I don't care."

"Can you tell me a bedtime story? Since I'm finding it hard to fall asleep," I ask, looking up before proceeding to give him the most overexaggerated eyelash batting in all of existence. I add in a childish pout too, for good measure, but it gets increasingly harder and harder to keep up the act when Changbin looks none too pleased with my performance.

"No, I'm not telling you a bedtime story when it's morning."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

" _No_."

I sigh, and then make a show of putting several inches between us and turning around so my back faces him.

"Felix."

I don't reply him.

Changbin sighs. "Okay --  _Fine_. Once upon a time there was this prince called Prince Felix and he was really annoying and really dumb and he talked a lot, so no one wanted to be friends with him."

"That's mean," I comment, but I'm smiling nonetheless.

"Anyway, he spent a shit ton of his time in his room playing video games and being the general hermit loser. One night he ran away from the castle because his father the King took his playstation away and then he met this handsome young man called Changbin in the forest and then they kissed and did Fortnite dances together forever and ever. The end."

"You know, you really suck at telling bedtime stories," I say, finally turning around to face him. "But I like the ending."

"Shut up," Changbin throws a pillow at me, and we both start to laugh. "But are you satisfied now?"

"...Maybe," I start, reaching out to grab hold of a pillow, "but I don't think this morning would be complete without this one thing."

"And what would that be?" Changbin raises one eyebrow.

"Pillow fight!" As soon as I say this, I attack him with my pillow, laughing in delight when my hit on his abdomen manages to throw him off-guard.

Changbin doesn't take much time to recover though (just like I knew he would), because a couple moments later he grabs a pillow of his own and we completely indulge ourselves in the infamous and addictive play known as pillow fighting. I know it's dumb, and kinda childish, and we're both grown teenaged boys who should be spending our morning doing much more productive things with our time, but at this point in time we really don't care, mostly because what we're doing right now is  _fun_.

And right now doing something fun is better than facing the present and confronting the never-ending responsibilities and worries that seem to grow bit by bit every single second that passes us by.

 

***

  
Sunday turns out to be a complete lazy day for Changbin and I after we've both showered and freshened up, since we spend most of it alternating between chilling on the couch and talking about different topics of interest, and kissing. The most I do that can be classified as work was me staring right at Changbin -- and back-hugging him too when I got bored -- as he whipped up a quick breakfast for the both of us earlier that morning, and me texting the rest of our friends about our whereabouts since they'd wondered where we'd disappeared off to.

During this time period I'd tried to rid myself of the numerous and conflicting thoughts that swirled about in my head; thoughts about Stacey and what she said about her wanting to talk to me, but I couldn't ever do so for long. Ever since our break up I'd never been too eager to talk to her, let alone  _be_  in the same room with her. And it isn't because I loathe her for what she said to me, but because it's easier to avoid her altogether than to be given the constant reminder that I failed at our relationship because I couldn't be a good enough boyfriend, which eventually made her leave me.

\-- Which can  _also_  make Changbin leave me, if I somehow manage to fuck things up between us in the long run. It's a scary and bitterly realistic thought, because it wouldn't be the first time I've messed up.

"What are you thinking about?" Changbin's voice cuts through my thoughts, and it's there and then I realize I've been out of it for the past couple minutes.

I look up from the phone I'd been surfing the net on before I started to daydream, and meet Changbin's gaze. It isn't hard for me to decipher the worry etched on his face, and it makes me experience that none-too-welcome feeling of guilt.

I shake my head, not willing to talk about my thoughts, at least for the time being. I'd already said a lot, spilling so many of my fears and weaknesses to him the night before that it'd left me both mentally and emotionally drained. I also never wanted to burden him with my array of problems and worries, especially since I considered a majority of them too dumb to be thought about in the first place.

"Is it anything bad?"

"Not really, no," I respond.

"You know you can tell me about anything that's bothering you, right?" Changbin says while he snakes an arm around my waist, and immediately I shift closer to him and place my head on his chest. "I know I wasn't exactly the most...  _friendly_  person when we first knew about each other."

"Yeah," I chuckle, nodding in agreement.

"And I admit, that was pretty mean of me -- even though I'm  _kind_  of mean in general --  _but_ , I'm not like that anymore, at least to you. Which should be obvious, since we're dating."

I release a short laugh. "You're rambling a lot."

"I'm getting there, Felix, so hush," Changbin gently places a finger over my lips, only to pull it away when I attempt to bite it. "Anyway, I want you to know that...you can count on me, and I'll listen to what you have to say.  _Always_. I can be overly sarcastic at times, and...I'm terrible at displaying what I feel, and sometimes it's hard for me to figure out exactly what's up with you, but I promise I'll do my best to  _understand_  whatever you're going through. I really like you Felix, and that's not something I see myself disagreeing with or changing about myself anytime soon."

I keep my gaze trained on my lap, heat I simply can't ignore racing up my neck and collecting up inside my cheeks. I bet it's totally obvious right now that I'm blushing just because of what Changbin said to me.

 _I really like you, Felix._ Those five simple words are enough --  _more than enough_ , even, to make my heartbeat run a million miles per second. And even though we're dating and we've done more than just cuddling and basking in the warmth of each other's presence, I still feel no better than a stuttering, nervous school girl that's confronting her crush once and for all about her long-standing feelings.

"I hope you know that you can trust me. I'm a good listener, and...if you wanna continue from where we left off yesterday night, then I'm all ears," Changbin continues, voice almost low enough to form a whisper. With his body heat, his sincere words and his lingering touches, it's easier for me to become much more comfortable with this whole situation.

"...I hope you know that you can trust me too," I tell him, and though my voice comes out as stable and calm, my heart continues to beat feverishly against my ribcage. "With all you told me yesterday night, I know you've gone through a lot of things. Things that are sometimes so  _hard_  to talk about because you think that maybe they don't matter, and you keep silent about it all because you don't want to burden anyone else with them, because I  _get_  that. I feel like my problems are  _insignificant_  because no one will get them, nor will they understand, and sometimes I tell myself I should just  _keep_  it all in since it's  _better_  that way."

"...Are you talking about what happened with you and Stacey?" Changbin asked, "Because if you are, I've already told you that none of it was your fault."

"I want to believe that... but it's kind of  _hard_ ," I admit, swallowing thickly. "I know I shouldn't take Stacey's words to heart, but I think about them a lot, ...especially now that I'm dating you." I exhale a small, shallow sigh before continuing on with my words. "I feel like you'd  _leave_  me, because what if I freak out again just like I had done when you first kissed me? What if I mess up, or don't live up to the perfect example of a good boyfriend?"

"There's no such thing as the 'perfect boyfriend'," Changbin tells me. "We all have things we're unsure or insecure about, and no one can be good at everything. But, I definitely think you're good  _for_  me."

My cheeks glow a bright pink hue when Changbin plants a brief kiss on top of my forehead.

"I don't think I am though," I bitterly chuckle, "I overreacted when we kissed, spent most of my time freaking out over whatever kind of feeling I may have felt for you, and then acted like a douche to you time and time again before I finally apologized to you. In fact, I didn't even think I  _had_  a sexuality before you came along, so how I can I be  _good_  for you if I get so worked up over the thought of anyone knowing about us?"

"You're good for me because you're  _you_ , Felix, and that's more than enough for me. And I'm not going to force you bring our relationship out in the open because I know you're not that comfortable with it yet." Changbin's hand finds itself interwoven with mine, which makes me look at him. "And right now, at this very moment, that's perfect enough for me. I'm  _content_  with this, because I get to spend time with  _you_ , Felix, and you're already so fucking  _amazing_."

By the time Changbin's done I feel like I'm seconds away from combusting into flames, and when Changbin  _kisses_  me my heart feels so full of warmth and all these other wonderful array of emotions it almost  _hurts_.

"Prince Felix is totally perfect for dashing forest boy Changbin Seo, even if he doesn't think so. And Changbin thinks he does the meanest Fortnite dances  _ever_ ," Changbin suddenly narrates, grinning softly at me when I can't hold in my laughter.

"Okay -- You're still  _quite_  bad at telling bedtime stories," I say, wrapping my arms around his shoulder for a hug, "But thanks for cheering me up."

"No biggie. Promise me you won't be so hard on yourself, because you're the last person on Earth I want to see feeling that way about themselves."

 

I nod, even though I know it's going to be quite a hard feat to accomplish, but that doesn't mean I won't  _try_. "...I promise."

 

 

***

  
"Care to tell me who that young man that dropped you off just now is?" Is what my mother asks me as soon as I enter my house later that afternoon.

"Uh..." I start, feeling all sorts of uncomfortable with her eyes on me like that. She isn't frowning at me or anything, but I still feel like running and hiding away from her stares. "He's one of my friends. I hung out with him before I came here."

"Oh, is he that Changbin guy?" She smiles, "You should invite him for dinner one of these days. I'd really like to meet him."

"Uhm, sure...but I really have to go to my room now so see you later," I hurriedly reply her and rush down the hall before she questions me further about bringing Changbin over to the house for  _dinner_. I don't stop moving until I enter the familiar space I call my bedroom, and then with shaky fingers and a racing mind, I bring out my phone from my trouser pocket.

**Stacey: hey felix**

**Stacey: do you think we can talk about what happened sometime this week?**  
_sent sat 7:13 pm_  
_seen sat 7:15 pm_

**Felix: okay.**


	19. step 19: halloweed (felix)

**THIS WHOLE THING** feels awkward. Like, really awkward. The atmosphere between Stacey and I is pretty much dull and quiet, and even though we're at a food court where there's people bustling on and about in every direction, I feel all sorts of cramped and immensely self-aware.

Inbetween us burgers sit untouched, and I fold my arms over the table, trying to figure out why the air conditioning's turned up so high whilst wondering how the heck I'm supposed to start this conversation.

"So... Hi," I start, flashing Stacey a small smile which I hope doesn't betray how nervous I actually am. "You were telling me how you wanted to see me about what happened?"

"Uhm-- Yeah!" Stacey laughs, taking a sip out of her drink. The sound of her laughter rings in my ears, reminding me of all those bittersweet memories that I'd tried to forget. Even though our past relationship consisted of minimal feelings on my part, which eventually led to its downfall, it still affected me in ways I didn't think it would, and it didn't help considering the fact that Stacey had been the first person I'd ever been in a relationship with.

"I'm really sorry for taking your time. I just... wanted us to  _actually_  talk about what went down for once," she continues, and I nod along even though I'm not looking forward to whatever she might say next. "I mean, we broke up since junior year, but it's been awkward."

I drum my fingers on the table, sucking in my bottom lip between my teeth. "Yeah, it has." My left hand reaches upwards to scratch at the nape of my neck, before I inwardly curse at myself because  _why did I have to do that_? The action only helps in making me increasingly self-conscious than I thought was even possible.

Stacey laughs in response, and I quietly chuckle, and then she laughs again. Things get even more awkward. Her blue eyes crinkle with mild amusement, and she softly pushes my arm and gives a wry smile when she notices how jumpy I get due to her mere touch.

"Relax, I'm not gonna hurt you," Stacey says. This time, her smile's gone and she just releases a short sigh. "Gosh, this is pretty awkward."

"Yeah," I have to agree. "But then again, we  _are_  exes. Awkwardness should be part of the package deal when it comes to us."

Her lips curve up at the corners due to the joke, while one of her hands plays with her drink's straw. "I guess so. But I don't want us to be like that with each other. Before we dated, you seemed like a nice guy, and I still thought that even after we broke up. I don't  _think_  it's a crime to still want to stay friends with you. Good friends."

"I guess you can," I reply, "...But I don't think we can ever be 'good friends'..."

Stacey nods, staring at her drink. Her expression reveals nothing of what she might actually be thinking right this second, and it unnerves me because that's exactly the same way she looked before she let it known that we should break up.

"I guess," she eventually says, "I mean, I can't exactly blame you for wanting to keep your distance... considering what I said."

At her words I feel like I just might deflate -- or combust -- either one, and I stare at the people around us, trying to take in our surroundings while simultaneously trying to settle my racing heart.

 _Calm the fuck down, Felix_ , I chastise myself. I inhale a deep breath.

"...Yeah," I say, not knowing what else to tell Stacey. I stare at her, noticing how impeccably well she's dressed, even though her clothing's more on the casual side, stare at her blond hair that cascades down her shoulders in lazy waves, and then my throat feels like it's closing up due to the memories of the times we'd shared replaying themselves inside my mind.

"I'm aware that what I said then wasn't the... _nicest_  thing I could've told you," Stacey continues to speak, adding a small chuckle along with it that doesn't sound too joyful, "and after that day I felt nothing but guilt. I wasn't in the right state of mind during that time, you know? Back then I was still mad because of our break up."

I nod, half-heartedly playing around with the straw my drink holds. "I understand."

"Ever since then I'd tried to apologize, tried to talk to you alone or call you so we'd finally be able to settle the matter once and for all, but you were always unavailable."

"I admit, I didn't want to be around you," I reply, keeping my gaze locked on my side of the table. "I got really bothered by what you said...so I figured the best thing to do at the time was to distance myself from you."

"I don't blame you," Stacey nods. When I stare at her she gives me a tiny, yet sincere smile. "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean what I said, not at all. I'd just said whatever came to mind since I wasn't happy at all then. I had no intention of hurting you, Felix, and I'm sorry I had no control over what I said at that time."

"It's...it's fine," I answer. I admit, some of the burden that had been weighing down on my chest has disappeared, and I feel a bit relieved. I tell myself I shouldn't let her words affect me any longer, especially since I've heard her apology, but it's easier said than done. She said what she said, and she couldn't take her past words back, and often times than not I found myself thinking about them even though I knew I shouldn't have let them get to me. "It's okay. I'm just glad you apologized."

"Don't take my words to heart. We broke up, yes, but it was because we didn't match. It had nothing to do with how you were as a boyfriend. You're a sweet, amazing guy, Felix, and I'm sure whoever you decide to date in the future will see that," Stacey tells me. "And you shouldn't doubt yourself just because of what I decided to say in the spur of the moment."

"Thank you," I smile. I can't help but feel grateful for to her kind words, and the feeling of relief that's been building up inside my chest doubles in its intensity.

"No worries," Stacey replies with a shrug. She laughs when I laugh. "I'm really glad we got to finally talk this out. It's been bugging me for a while."

"Yeah... I'm glad too." And I mean it. For all this while I've been avoiding her, wanting to distance myself from her as I possibly can since I feared her presence would only hurt me in the long run, not knowing that I was hurting myself even more by not talking things out with her.

"So... we're okay now?" Stacey asks with a slight chuckle.

I shrug. "I mean, yeah I guess."

She reaches out her hand and for half a second I internally panic because I feared she wanted to hold my hand, only to see that she has her hand in a fist.

"...A fist bump?" I question.

"Yeah. It's the finishing touch to this meeting," she replies.

"Well, okay." I fist bump her hand, unable to contain my laughter afterwards due to how silly this looks.

"So we're cool now?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"Cool."

"Cool."

"Felix? Stacey?"

I look up then, eyes glancing over the heads of the other customers around us for the source of the scaringly familiar voice. A mild disquiet wounds up inside me at seeing two recognizable faces in the distance. Something that feels like a boulder lodges itself in my throat, and I have to force myself to bring out a smile and a wave even though I feel anything but welcoming.

Stacey's waving too, seeming okay and much more at ease than I am at this point in time.

The faces belong to a boy and girl, Tyler and Rina respectively, and I recognize them from the few classes we've shared together over the years. Tyler grins at the both of us through his dark brown locks while Rina gives us a big wave, one of her hands holding on to a smoothie.

They're both nice, friendly and chill individuals, and Rina's even in the same drama class as I am, so I don't know why I'm suddenly dreading them seeing Stacey and I here together like this.

"Ooh, fancy seeing you both here," Rina says when she and Tyler have shortened the space between us. "You two doing good?"

I just nod, unable to sputter out anything. At this Rina's smile grows wider, and my heartbeat starts to accelerate. With all the classes we've shared I've never failed to take into account her pretty smile, round eyes and smooth brown skin. She's the type of girl most guys would love to go for, but I'd never felt anything for her, let alone Stacey, and it stayed like that until Changbin came along.

"We just decided to grab some burgers and talk," Stacey casually answers. She must've sensed that I wasn't quite comfortable with Tyler and Rina's sudden presence, because she continues with, "We were just about to leave, honestly."

"Y-Yeah," I cough out, standing up. "It was nice seeing you guys here. Really nice. Hope you two are having a nice time."

"Uhm -- Yeah," Tyler says, unable to hide his borderline bewildered expression present in his eyes at my rushed words. "Actually, Rina and I wanted to go to this bowling alley in the next street. You guys wanna join in?"

I quickly shake my head, not planning on spending the whole afternoon with them with Stacey by my side. I don't want them to start to assume things. "Uh no, it's fine. I kinda have some things planned later for today."

"I've got cheer practice later on too," Stacey says without breaking a sweat, adjusting the straps of her purse over her shoulder. She grabs her tray of half-finished food. "Bye guys!"

"Yeah, see you guys later," I add, before turning around to make my leave. To Tyler and Rina, I probably look super weird and unlike my usual self, but I can't help it. I feel more relaxed the second I'm out of the food court, and exhale a breath I had no idea I'd been holding.

" _Fuck_ ," I let out since I don't know what else to say other than that. I pull out my phone from my pocket, searching through the contacts to call the person I feel like being with the most right now.

I sharply inhale another breath when Changbin picks up, and when I hear his voice my body loses some of its tension. "Hey, Changbin?"

"Yeah?" He replies. "Did you have the talk with, you know,  _Stacey_?"

I laugh at the way he says Stacey's name. I can't exactly pinpoint how he feels just by his question, but I think I can spot a bit of jealousy there.

"Yeah, I did," I answer. I rake a hand down my hair, glaring at the sky. It's bright, too bright, and I feel like some heavy clouds are going to make an appearance soon.

"I'm guessing it went well?"

"I guess. We uh, we talked and got things sorted out. She was cool about it."

"That's good," Changbin says, "I hope you're okay."

"I am, thanks for asking." I lick my lips, wondering how I can get rid of this nervousness, of this  _foreboding_  I feel due to what happened earlier. "Can I come over? Just wanna spend some time with you for a while."

Changbin takes a couple seconds to reply, probably going over my question and trying to figure out my exact feelings. I've known him long enough to know he does this psycho-analyzing thing a lot.

"Changbin?" I chuckle. "Are you gonna answer me anytime soon?"

"Oh, yeah." I swear I can see his smile through the phone when I start to laugh. "Of course you can come over. I need a distraction from all the homework I have to do."

"Is that sarcasm I hear?"

" _Nooo_."

A grin spreads across my face. "Sure. Anyways, I'll be there in a couple minutes give or take. Be sure to save some for me."

"Save what?"

"Your kisses."

"Gosh darn, you're so cheesy," Changbin scolds me, but his tone isn't anywhere  _near_  malicious, "It's incredible. ...But okay."

I smile, crossing the road to get to the other side. "Okay what?"

"I'll save some kisses for you when you arrive. But hurry -- they're for a limited time only."

"Gotcha," I answer him with a giggle. I feel better than I'd felt before, glad that Changbin was able to elevate my mood a little, and by a little I mean a lot.

For now I push all lingering worries aside as I look forward to spending the rest of the afternoon with Changbin by my side.

 

***

  
It's something that I don't notice at first, but along the way it becomes something that registers within the confines of my mind more and more. At first, I didn't want to accept it, didn't want to feel comfortable with the fact that Changbin was growing quiet and unresponsive to me again, but soon enough it becomes something I can't ignore any longer.

I know he's normally a quiet person, and it's not something I have a problem with since I'm more than okay with that part of him -- and it isn't something I'd change about him either -- but it gets to the point that he gets  _too_  quiet. Yeah, he still hangs out around Pete and I and the others, still talks to me and spends time with me too, but he's becoming more and more closed off and emotionally absent. And it worries me a lot, because his strange behaviour started a day into the new week after Stacey and I had that talk.

I definitely want to talk to him about it, but I don't get to since the week's been a rather busy one, full of events and assignments and annoying ass teachers.

Announcements about the upcoming Halloween dance are piled up every which way on the school's notice boards, garnering a lot of attention due to its theme, which is a gender-bender. Whoever buys the tickets and attends the dance will have to dress up or cosplay in some costume that the opposite sex would usually wear. Naturally, a lot of people talked about it, which brought along a few none too nice choice words from some guys who weren't too fond in dressing in costumes they considered 'feminine'.

I for one didn't know if I was going to the dance which would be held this upcoming Saturday, especially since most of my thoughts comprised of how I could get Changbin to tell me what was going on with him.

The week passes by slowly and pain-stalkingly. I endure the remainder of my classes, sinking more and more into the black hole of worry and unease when Changbin grows even more quiet and withdrawn. His silence continues to drive me crazy.

"Are you going to that halloween dance?" I ask Changbin that late Thursday afternoon. I keep my voice low though, since we're currently at this ballet center watching Anna's little sister Kylie practice with the other girls since she's currently out getting some food. A few seats from us are a few stern faced mothers who don't talk to one another.

"I'm planning on getting my tickets. I also don't wanna go alone," I continue.

Changbin looks a tad bit amused. "What about Pete, Seungmin and Anna?"

"Yeah, they're going but I don't wanna go without you."

"Parties aren't my style."

"It isn't a party though, but a dance," I retort.

"Not really big on dances either."

"But I'd really, really like it if you came." I bat my eyelashes at me, chuckling a little bit when he gives me an eye roll. The amusement in his eyes doesn't last nearly as long as I want though, and once again I'm left feeling worried and curious as to what's bothering him. "...Changbin."

"What?"

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" I whisper.

"I'm fine." Changbin keeps his eyes set on the girls and the ballet instructor. "When did Anna say she's coming though? I'm getting bored."

"In a few more minutes. They're gonna close up soon," I reply, a little agitated that Changbin changed the subject so easily. I want to question him more on why he's being like this, but then I realize we aren't at the best place to do so, and I can tell Changbin's mind is already someplace else.

I quietly sigh, hoping I'd discover the reason behind Changbin's behaviour soon.

 

***

 

 

"Don't poke it. Your finger's gonna get it all  _smeared up_ ," Olivia berates me inside her room that Saturday evening after I blink and try to wipe my eye since it feels a bit irritated.

 

 

"Mom, is mascara supposed to annoy me this bad, or is Liv just playing a cruel prank on me?" I ask, blinking again. Mom's standing close to the bed where I'm sat at, examining Olivia's work on my face and fixing up what needs fixing.

 

 

"It'll take some getting used too," my mother replies, leaning closer to me to see if there's any detail she, or Olivia, is missing. "But you look fine. Like Liv said, don't rub at it, it'll get it smeared. Unless you're pegging for that smoky look. Or that clown look."

 

 

I frown just as Olivia starts to laugh, giving my mother a high-five for a 'job well done', and I playfully glare at her. "Mom, I'm serious."

 

 

"I'm serious too."

 

 

I exhale a loud sigh.

  
"Okay okay." Mom shakes her head. "You look amazing, honey. I mean, the red wig looks great, the makeup is good too, and you make a pretty girl."

"Are you mocking me?"

She laughs. "Not at all."

Olivia grabs the dark mask next to me on the bed. "Don't forget the cat mask!"

"It's not a cat mask. I'm dressed as Batwoman," I argue, narrowing my brows when Liv just shrugs, utters 'same difference', and plops the mask right over my face. The urge to destroy my makeup increases.

When that's done, it doesn't take much time to wave my mother and sister goodbye, before heading into my car and turning the ignition since I've been tasked with driving everyone to the dance. I'm not upset by it though, especially since Changbin had decided to attend the dance eventually. I was very glad when he agreed, even though I had to beg him a lot to change his mind. Still, I can't contain the elatedness I feel as I drive off to get the first person for tonight, which just so happens to be Changbin himself.

When I get to his house, I take out my phone from my leather pant pockets and text him.

**Felix: yo**

**Felix: I'm at your house rn**

**Felix: what're you wearing**  👀👀

I open the car door and peer out, while waiting for Changbin to appear. I'm both anticipating and anxiously wondering what he's going to put on.

When Changbin  _does_  step out though, I almost drop my phone.

He looks great.  _Really_   _fucking great._

His black hair's been replaced by an equally as black wig which showcases a golden helmet with this red gemstone on it, and he's wearing this uniform that consists of a white top and a red frilled skirt, and a pair of cute red sneakers. I can't get into too much detail because I can't freaking think properly right now and my thoughts no longer make any sense. And is he wearing  _lip gloss_? My heart feels like it's going to jump out of my chest.

**Dark Cutie♥: Close your mouth Felix**

I do as the text instructs, trying to say something but failing to. Changbin walks over to me and it takes all of my mental strength not to gape at his bare legs. He makes a very pretty girl.

"We should probably get going," Changbin tells me, and I just blink at him like an idiot. "And you look really good, by the way."

"You're hot," I tell him. I'm not even embarrassed by my words, because they're true.

Changbin laughs, walking over to the passenger side of the car. "You're making this weirder than it needs to be. Just drive."

Even after he sits I can't take my eyes off him. "I don't... Wait, your costume. No -- your cosplay character. What -- Who is it?"

Changbin smiles at my poorly constructed sentences, and shrugs. "Sailor Mars, but I'm not for the life of me going to wear heels."

"I knew it was familiar," I remark, shutting the car's door. I place my hands over the steering wheel and swallow hard. "I'm dressed as Batwoman."

"I know."

"It can be hard, I mean -- since my outfit can be mistaken as the cat woman costume."

"Felix, the red hair gives it away. You should probably start driving, since we still have other people to pick up."

"Yeah, yeah okay," I clear my throat. "Of course."

We stare at each other.

"Changbin," I start to say, but he cuts me off by leaning in and kissing me.

He moves his lips in this slow, teasing and incredibly  _hot as fuck_  way against mine, which makes me shiver. Even long after we've stopped kissing and are on our way to pick up Pete, Anna and Seungmin, I still can't get over the feeling his kiss gives me.

Anna says something about how we're 'soulmate twinsies' since she's dressed as Batman and I as the female counterpart, and we spend the rest of the drive to the school venue laughing and joking about how Seungmin and Pete are dressed as Disney princesses, of all the things to dress as. Even as we do this, it gets harder and harder for me to ignore Changbin's presence. Often times I'll find myself staring longer at him than I want, especially since I'm the one driving, only to blush when he catches me. But then again, that only motivates me to stare at him more.

The Halloween dance/party goes great. More than great, even. Despite the complaints some people gave because of the 'problematic' theme, the students that did come abided by the dress code. Most guys took it seriously, while others just put on a wig or something and called it a night.

Not going to lie, I have fun laughing and dancing with my friends. I talk to the other students being my socializing-loving self, but the part that  _is_ _n't_  as fun is how I can't be as close as I want with Changbin. I can't hold his hand or kiss him, because people are everywhere. I can't  _talk_  to Changbin as much as I want either, since he goes back back to this reserved, stoic state he'd had all week prior to tonight as soon as we enter the school grounds, which makes it hard to get a decent peep out of him.

The worst part arrives when I decide to say hello to Stacey, feeling significantly less wary of her ever since the conversation we had. She'd dressed as a male pirate, and gives me a sunny smile when I greet her. Pete's conversing with her just as I realize that Changbin isn't anywhere near me.

Mild panic settles into my veins at this as I wonder where the heck he could've went. The thought of him getting lost crosses my mind, but then I decide it's a silly thought since we're currently inside  _our_  highschool.

"What's wrong?" Seungmin asks me, taking a sip from his drink.

"I'm gonna look for Changbin, alright?" I tell me, passing my half-empty cup of something that tastes like punch into his free hand. "I'll be back."

Without waiting for his reply I race into the crowd of students, shifting through and muttering sorry's wherever I can until I get to the gate that leads to the dark parking lot.

I continue to walk, not ceasing in my steps. "Changbin? Changbin, are you there?"

I get to the parked student cars and keep on moving until I get to where my own car's situated. I'm not that surprised when I see Changbin there, leaning against one side of the car.

"Changbin."

He barely moves, and his arm's folded across his chest. This behaviour worries me and I take the initiative to lessen the space between us.

"Changbin, what's wrong? Why'd you leave the school?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he starts, "This dance sucks."

At this I let out a soft chuckle, but Changbin's unamused expression makes me stop. "Seriously Changbin, did something happen?"

"I don't enjoy being here. It's not my kind of thing and I'd rather be at home." He kicks at a random pebble.

"Do you want me to drive you home?"

"...Yes, no. Maybe. I don't know."

"Changbin -- "

"I'm really fucking pissed right now, and I get even angrier since it's for a completely dumb reason." He kicks away another pebble, and then looks at me. I guess my puzzled expression is more obvious than I thought, because he sighs. "I don't know if you've noticed, but during last week, some people were talking in school."

"...What were they talking about?" I ask. His moment of silence stresses me out even further, but before I break it he responds.

"I dunno, how they saw you and Stacey together, and how they wondered if you two got together again.  _God_ ," Changbin rubs his forehead, "it's literally  _so_  dumb, but I took those words to heart and I kept thinking about them."

"You know there's nothing between us, right? Stacey just wanted to apologize," I assure him, hating how down and irritated he looks with himself.

"I know, but I got...jealous," Changbin mumbled, staring at the ground. "Even though I knew I had nothing to worry about, my insecurities got the best of me and I got jealous. It sucks."

"You don't need to be," I tell him. "Jesus Changbin, I only like  _you_ , and only you. No one else, believe me."

"I do believe you. But when I saw you talking to Stacey a few minutes ago, I guess those dumb thoughts startes piling themselves inside my mind and I couldn't take it anymore, so I stormed out."

I bite my lip, before pulling out my car keys and unlocking the car doors. "We should probably get inside."

Changbin just nods, and when we're both seated inside the car and close the doors, I take off my mask and stare right at him.

"...What?"

"You know I like you a lot, right?"

"...Yeah."

"Like  _a lot_  lot. I like you  _so_  much Changbin, it almost  _scares_  me at times," I admit. "And I don't want you to ever doubt that. My feelings for you are absolutely one hundred percent real."

Changbin nods, leaning into my touch when I stroke his cheek. His lips are soft, tender against mine and my pulse starts to race. Butterflies swim within my stomach as I deepen the kiss, the fruity flavour of his lips doing more things to my sanity than I ever thought possible.

Changbin's hands run down my waist in that way that always drive me crazy. He lands gentle, warm kisses on my chin and down the exposed part of neck, and each one sends chills up my spine. His breath is as hot as his body heat, and it sends my heart racing in this feverish way.

All the want and sexual furstration I'd felt up to now, especially with Changbin staring at and kissing me like  _that_ , and with that outfit he's doned in, drives me nuts and leaves me both deprived and craving for  _more_.

Changbin, always as observant as ever, seems to sense this when we lock eyes. "What do you want?"

"...You," I'm almost breathless as I say this, and Changbin shortens the distance between us once more by kissing me, this time harder as if he's giving me this silent approval. His bodily muscles stiffen as I run my hand under his shirt and over his toned chest, taking my time to explore it all. His body grows warmer, and as my hand inches lower and lower down his torso he releases this gentle mewl that sends me reeling.

I become even more breathless, and as Changbin's lips continue to suck on the skin of my neck my hand reaches downwards, stroking his exposed thighs.

"Are you okay with this?" I ask, voice barely recognizable due to how husky it's become.

Changbin nods against the curve of my neck, and his breath sharply hitches as soon as I palm him under the skirt he's wearing. I don't know what I'm doing, but it's apparent that it doesn't really matter since I just have to stroke him in the right way, which releases a slew of moans and occassional curses from Changbin's lips.

My hand runs down his shaft, thumb swirling over the tip, and Changbin's body jerks under me. He hisses and moans when I pump him harder, each sound leaving his lips turning me on and leaving me intoxicated. God, seeing Changbin like this has got to be the hottest thing I've ever witnesed in my life.

I grunt as Changbin decides to ground his hips against mine, trying to increase the friction between us and with my hand also. It's almost as painful as it is pleasurable, and my crotch feels uncomfortably tight against the material of my pants. The car provides limited, nearly cramped space, but that's the least of my worries as soon as Changbin presses his lips on top of mine again. His warm tongue slowly dives into the opening of my mouth, sending an addictive jolt down my body.

I continue to stroke and massage his member, all the while becoming more and more pleasured and satisfied in ways I never thought I could be.

"I can feel it, fuck, Felix -- " Changbin stutters just as more curse words leave his mouth, and I never imagined I could like curse words this much. He pants, chest rising and falling against mine as his palms fist my shoulders, and then I feel this wetness leaking down my palms and realize he just came.

"Shit," I breathe, inhaling sharply as Changbin pulls himself away from me. He's looking through the backseats and it takes me a good second to realize he's looking for something to wipe himself off, as well as my hand.

"Shit indeed," Changbin laughs a little as he finds some old t-shirt I never knew I had hidden in the car and cleans himself. "That was kind of embarrassing."

He tosses the shirt to me afterwards, his cheeks a noticeable shade of pink.

"It wasn't. It was great. It was hot. You were pretty hot -- still are," I ramble, unable to catch my breath, and then I look out the closed windows. "How much time did we spend here?"

Changbin shrugs. "I have no idea."

I look at him, at his uniform that's gotten a bit ruffled up and the wig that's gotten a bit messy yet still complements his face entirely, down to his legs and his swollen pink lips. I still want to kiss them. "But seriously, you were amazing."

"Let's  _not_ ," Changbin shakes his head, but when I laugh he grins. "I obviously can't stay at this party any longer. Can you drive me back to my house? I need a shower."

I quickly nod. "Sure, of course."


	20. step 20: fight for my way (felix)

**"...FELIX, I'VE BEEN**  meaning to ask you something."

Seungmin's voice makes its way inside my ears and into my head, and I pull my arm away from where it's been shielding my eyes, staring up at him. An history textbook's held open in his hands, since we'd both decided to camp out at his house for a couple hours to work on this peered group project we had, but he isn't looking at the book at all. He isn't looking at me either, and this, naturally, gets me a bit worried.

Knowing Seungmin since I'd first started attending high school, I'd always pegged him as the sort of person who could be quiet at times -- and often observant as well -- but he was never one to keep his thoughts hidden for long. He generally never looked conflicted about doing anything, really, so his sudden behaviour brought up this uncomfortable sort of sensation that threathened to clog up my chest.

I sit up, grabbing one of his pillows that have the weirdly cute abstract designs on their pillowcases and placing it on my chest. I become even more bothered when he doesn't react, because, although he normally doesn't mind someone other than him sitting or lying on his bed, he won't want someone getting all touchey-feely with his many pillows.

"Seungmin, what's up?" I ask him, probing him for an answer. I exhale a dramatic sigh. "Is this 'break' or something over already? History's inhaling all of my braincells. I mean, who  _cares_  about a bunch of old guys who spent their leisure time bombing and destroying each other's land? I personally think we've done enough for today, the project's literally not due until the end of next week—"

"It's not about the stupid project," Seungmin tells me whilst chuckling at my word vomit. "It's nothing about that. I just I want you to be honest with me. Think of this as a ' _bro to bro_ ' conversation, alright? I want as to get upfront and personal with each other."

"A 'bro to bro' conversation? Getting upfront and personal with each other?" I question, knitting my eyebrows. "I mean, I like you, a lot, but I don't exactly feel the may you're insinuating right now — "

Seungmin shoots me a deadpan look, which shuts me up. Another thing with him being observant as fuck, he can probably tell I tend to ramble on and on when I feel nervous or feel like I'm being cornered. "Felix, stop talking. Wait -- I want you to talk. Just don't say stupid shit, and just answer my questions. Are we clear?"

I quickly nod, hugging the pillow closer to my torso. I can feel Seungmin's stare piercing through the area where my body makes contact with his precious pillow, but I decide to milk the moment for all it's worth and hug the pillow even closer. It isn't my fault though, his pillows are always super soft and fluffy.

"We're dear," I state, not at all anticipating whatever he wants to say next.

"Felix, I need you to answer this question honestly. Don't be nervous — I know you know that you can trust me," he starts.

I nod again, already aware of the fact that he, apart from Changbin now, is the one person that knows about what really went down with Stacey and I, and knows about what she said to we as well. He's also aware that she's apologized, promising me to keep everything a secret since I don't exacdy trust my I don't exactly trust my other friends to keep quiet about it. I mean, I love them, but they ran get really talkative at times. Seungmin's the only one that doesn't have any qualm s in not relaying anything about the matter.

_Changbin too_ , my mind adds, and I'm about to go into a Changbin-induced trance where I think about nothing but him for a prolonged amount of time when Seungmin speaks up again, shutting it all down.

"Felix? Are you even listening to me?"

"What did you say?" I blink, not even attempting to conceal the fact that I hadn't been listening to what he said.

Seungmin rolls his eyes, shaking his head while I break out into a laugh. My laughter cuts into the lightly awkward situation and makes me feel a little less anxious.

"God, what're you even thinking about?" He asks, almost to himself, and I let out a little chuckle at that, wondering what his reaction would be if I told him about what's going on between a certain guy with dark hair and I.

"What did you wanna ask?" I ask him, running my fingers over the material of my friend's beloved pillow. It's a way to calm myself, I guess, since Seungmin's questioning doesn't fail to make me feel a little nauseous, not going to lie.

"Okay, don't freak out, but... Is something going on between you and Changbin? I don't know, I  _feel_  like there is something going on, but if you don't wanna go deep into it it's okay. Just wanted to know," Seungmin tells me, and suddenly I'm glad I'm currently staring at his pillow, because that way he won't get to see how my widened eyes basically give me away.

My mind shouts at me to stop freaking out, and I gulp down the grown lump in my throat. Unable to answer just yet, I attempt to steer Seungmin off course by giving him a question of my own. "...Why'd you think that?"

Luckily, even though he's most likely picked up on the tension that's settled atop my shoulders, Seungmin doesn't vocally address any of it. He answers my question instead.

"I know I'm not bluffing when I say you two have been spending  _way_  more time with each other lately, so much so that Pete, Anna and I are often left out of the hoop. Look, it doesn't really bother me, and it won't bother me either if you and Changbin  _do_  in fact have something going on." Seungmin pats my shoulder in the most awkward and unsure way possible. I have to crack a small smile at that. "I'd just like an answer. If you want, I won't tell anyone."

"You better not," I threaten, even though it falls short when my voice wavers and I laugh. Seungmin nods, smiling. I chew on my lip. "...We're  _dating_ , I guess. The whole thing feels unreal and thrilling at times, and... I really like spending time with him."

'That's so cute," Seungmin grins, and starts laughing when I tell him to shut up.

"Don't say anything, and don't you  _dare_  coo at me," I point at him, but he clearly isn't taking me seriously. Honestly, his reaction's better than I expected it to be, and not as nerve-wracking as I felt it was going to be. He isn't angry or weirded out, but he's joking around with me, calling Changbin and l's relationship  _cute_.

"I knew something was up with the way you guys stare at each other at times," Seungmin tells me, pushing his dark brown hair out of his eyes. "It's very adorable."

"Whatever." I flash him my classic eye-roll. "And... _Don't_  say this to anyone, please. I'm not ready, and I told Changbin about it already and he agreed to keep everything private for now." I sigh. "This is so weird -- "

"If it's about you guys dating, then it's not, okay? Don't beat yourself up. You and Changbin seem real cute together. I mean, at first, I certainly wouldn't expect you guys to have any sort of romantic feelings towards each other. I dunno, I think Changbin kind of hated you at first."

'That's harsh," I comment, snuggling with his pillow, but shrug nonetheless. Seungmin's eyes burn imaginary holes into my arms and I have to bite back a giggle at that.

"I didn't mean it that way," he explains. "It's just, you guys are like, polar opposites."

"But as they say, opposites attract."

Sermgmin gives me an eye-roll that can break nations. "Don't pull that cliché shit on me."

"But its true," I agrue back. He smiles at my indignant tone, before ruffling my hair up with one hand, messing it up. And usually, I'd say something since I don't partically like it when someone touches my hair (with Changbin being the exception), but the nearly  _doting_  way he does this action stops me in my tracks. It's soothing and encouraging, surprisingly, and this is one of the few moments where I often forget that I'm actually older than him.

No matter how lowkey  _weird_  this feels, since I'm talking to one of my closest friends about my relationship with another close friend of mine, Seungmin still averts some of the awkwardness away by actually looking happy for me, even though he's the only one, apart from Changbin, in my tightly knit friendship group that's the most serious and usually the most blunt.

"I didn't know you were bisexual," he adds.

I blink. "Bisexual?"

"Bisexual, as in having an attraction to two genders, usually male and female -- " Seungmin tries to explain, but I shake my head.

I fling myself over the bed, head facing the ceiling. "I never had any sort of attraction to Stacey."

Seungmin nods, eyebrows creasing in thoughtfulness. I can almost see the wheels twisting and turning at the back of his brown eyes. "Then maybe you're gay."

"I've never liked anyone else apart from Changbin," I speak up, staring at him. "I know you know this already. I don't want this to come off as homophobic and all, but I've literally never had feelings for anyone before Changbin,  _girl or boy_."

"Right," Seungmin states, soft understanding clouding his tone. Back in junior year, we'd had so many classes together, an usually we went home around the same time, and it really helped as he'd comforted me when I'd been down about the whole thing regarding Stacey and I, and what she'd said to me. He also pulled we out of the rut I was in, listening attentively to all the words I spilled out to him (even if they didn't make sense at the time anyway), especially since my older brother wasn't around, and back then that really helped.

I really appreciated him taking the time to listen to me back then, not brushing my words under a metaphorical rug and thinking of my behaviour at that point in time as too emotional or too 'unmanly, and I'm just as grateful right now that he's understanding where I'm coming from, even though he may not personally  _get_  it.

'There's no need for you to...force yourself into this conforming box in regards to whomever you're interested in. That's just my take on things," Seungmin continues, "I kind of understand what you feel, and like I said earlier, I won't say a word until you and Changbin are ready to like, 'come out' to Pete and Anna or whatever."

"...Yeah," I agree, thinking over the future and the endless possibilities it holds. I still feel nervous about the whole thing, despite knowing that Anna and Pete won't really have a problem with Changbin and I's relationship. The only problem bet in other people blowing, such as my siblings, and admittedly my  _parents_.

"Hey, I know that face," Seungmin speaks, poking the dent my eyebrows form on my forehead. I swat his hand away, and he smiles. "Don't think about all the negative stuff. Only think positively."

"Yeah, but it's hard. Don't want my parents to freak out or anything." I mumble, more to myself than anything, but Seungmin's ears pick up on it.

"Hey -- Like I said before, no negative thinking, okay? Only positive," he reminds me. "Plus, your parents are nice people. I'd love it if they adopted me."

"Wonder what your  _real_  parents would have to say to that," I joke, and Seungmin just shrugs.

'They'd probably pack all my suitcases under an hour, even doing the honours in seeing me off."

At this I can't hold in my laughter, which in rum makes Seungmin chuckle. Though it's true we haven't been spending as much time together as of late, I still cant deny how happy I am tight now. This feels  _nice_ , talking to him about all what's burdening me and having him listen and encourage me, just like old times.

We don't actually get much done the rest of that afternoon as we spend it talking about a vast majority of topics, from school work to teachers we hate, and to the weird stuff we've encountered. Seungmin's little sister Sunmi lets us have a taste of the cookies she's making for her class' bake sale at one point (they were quite good actually) and soon enough, were back to talking again.

It's then I let it slip that Changbin and I haven't actually been on an official date, to which Seungmin jumps at and practically warns me that he'd have my head if I didn't take him out on a date. Nonetheless, it proves as an effective method to convince me -- mostly because his threat scared me, but still.

 

***

  
When I FaceTime Chan later that night, he appears more lively and less tired than I'd seen him during our last video chat. He's smiling too, which makes me immensely relieved since I always dislike it when he doesn't look cheerful.

"How's school going so far, Lixie?" He asks me, grinning when I groan in response to his cheesy nickname. He doesn't call me 'Lixie' a lot, but when he does it I'm always left cringing and smiling at the same time, since I don't particularly  _hate_  it when he calls me by that.

"School's been, I dunno,  _shitty_ , as usual. Got lots of assignments and tests, not to mention the end of semester exams are coming up as well," I explain, rubbing my eyes. "I'm not looking forward to all the work I have to do next year."

'That's senior year hell for you. I've been through it," Chan says, understanding me completely. "Not saying it'll get better, but just push through it and get good grades and have a pretty student record."

"That's easy for you to say, Mr. Smart Engineer Guy," I tease, to which Chan laughs at. I smile, glad that I'm getting to witness my brother looking happier than ever lately. "But seriously, you stole all the brain cells available and left me with the scraps."

"I did  _not_ ," Chan dramatically gasps, his mouth forming a circular shape.

"Yeah,  _sure_ ," I sarcastically reply with a snort. "Whatever you say."

"Okay, enough about me," he rubs his hands together and then crosses his arms over the table. I take in his surroundings, realizing hes sitting on a sofa that's presumably inside his own dorm. "Let's talk about you."

"What about me?"

"How's it going with you and that Changbin guy?" He asks, and at this I rub the hack of my ear, searching for the right words to say. Unlike how I acted when Seungmin knew about us, I feel almost shy in front of Chan, blood oohing up to my face to create this totally unneeded blush.

"I'm guessing by your reaction that it went better than expected?" Chan concludes, and I nod my head yes, still feeling inexplicably timid. "...Are you two like, dating?"

"Well, yeah," I let out, "we are. I really like him, but we're keeping everything a secret though. Only Seungmin knows."

"Okay, that's cute."

"Seungmin said the same thing, shut up."

Chan chuckles. "I think I'd really like to meet Changbin. You know, see how he's like, see how good he is for my little brother. I mean, I'll already be at home before Thanksgiving so that'll be the perfect opportunity."

"I'm gonna hide him just because you said that I laugh when Chan gives me this little pout. At this moment, I really wish he was here with me. Suddenly, Thanksgiving seems no far away, though it's just the start of November.

"You won't be able to hide him forever," he cheekily warns.

"Okay, well what about you and your little boyfriend?" I whisper conspiratorily, mostly to keep my voice down. My parents and Olivia are probably already asleep, but I don't want to risk them overhearing my words.

Almost as if on cue, I hear some distant sounds in the background. Someone's talking, but I don't know who it is, but this person seems to catch Chan's attention completely. He turns around to watch the unseen person for a bit before turning around to face me.

"Okay, so you already know about Minho and I. I kinds told him about you too, and that's one of the main reasons why I video chatted with you tonight." He's already smiling, but his smile seems to grow as he says his next words. "I'd like you to meet him."

Excitement I didn't know I'd feel at the mention of Chan's boyfriend consumes me at that very moment, but before I can say anything, someone shouts ' _surprise_ ' and suddenly shows up from behind Chan. I get startled by the sound and almost fall off, biting my lip to conceal the embarrassment I feel at what I almost just did.

The person laughs, the sound surprisingly soft and melodic. He grins at me, and for a second I'm speechless — or starstruck, whichever one works. His brown hair's a contrast to Char's dyed blond one, and his face is pretty. His eyes are round with strong eyebrows and thin pink lips.

"Hey... _Felix_?" Minho says with a small wave, a hit unsure, and I quickly nod, snapping out of my dace. I notice how one of his arms is wrapped securely around Chan's torso, and I find it heartwarmingly adorable.

"Yeah, that's me; the one and only."

Minho blinks, looking taken aback. "Okay wow, your voice's  _deep_."

I laugh at his evident shock. "I get that a lot."

"He gets that a lot," Chan mirrors, alternating between staring at Minho and I like he doesn't know who to focus his attention on the most.

"I really like it though," Minho says.

"Thank you. I also heard about how you and my brother got together. I really appreciate you taking care of him," I answer.

"You're welcome," he watches my brother, and they share a smile, "He pretty much sucks at taking care of himself though."

"I know right?" I nod in agreement.

"I  _do_   _not_ ," Chan tries to defend himself.

"I often have to stay over at your dorm to get you to sleep," Minho reveals while poking my brother's cheek. At his confession Chan looks personally betrayed, and even though I know I should feel a little bit bad for him, I can't help but feel amused at how hilarious he looked when his boyfriend exposed him.

"Even when he comes home for a couple nights he stays up early in the morning working on demos," I answer, and Chan's betrayed expression makes an appearance once again.

" _Okay_ , I guess it was a bad choice making you two meet because you keep exposing me, which I don't like at all," my brother admits, making a show of wiping away imaginary tears from his eyes, which brings about a round of laughter from Minho and I. "But I'm glad you guys are getting along. You two mean a lot to me."

"Aww, that's so sweet." Minho snakes his arms around Chan's neck and presses their cheeks together, drawing out a surprised  _oof_  from Chan himself. I smile at the sight.

"Alright, don't go all PDA on me. Save it for when I go offline please and thank you," I make sure to comment. Minho in response just makes a show of holding Chan even closer. Though looking quite overwhelmed with all the affection, Chart appears to accept it readily. He looks so lovesick right now it's not even funny.

I think about my own relationship with Changbin, and how if I pull Minho's stunt on him he'd probably say something negative about it or push me off him, muttering something about me 'cutting off all his airways' or something along those lines. But, regardless of this, he still ends up being receptive to my touches since he often can't say no to me, even though he thinks I don't know the effect I have on him already.

Seeing how Chan interacts with Minho tonight pulls up a grin on my face. He's smiling a lot now, though he looks a bit tired, and his eyes always look alive whenever he's watching Minho. He and Minho look like a good fit, just simply perfect for each other in so many ways, and that's probably one of the most uplifting things I've ever witnessed in my entire life.

 

***

 

 

The week continues onwards as slow-paced and mediocre as possible, that is until I manage to catch a cold. I'm not even aware of it until Wednesday when I'm making some cereal for myself and this violent sneeze racks through my body. And then I think ' _Oh shit, I think I have a cold_ ', but then I decide to go to school anyways since I don't really take it seriously. Come Friday, the flu gets worse and I have to stay home since I don't want to pass it to anyone else.

 

 

I feel bummed even though  _yeah_ , missing a day of school isn't  _that_  bad, but I really wanted to see Changbin today. I wanted to spend time with him, talk to him and hold his hand when no one's watching, on it pretty much sucks that I can't get to do that now. Ever since that Halloween dance, especially taking into consideration what  _happened_  at the dance, I feel as if the feelings I have for him have gotten deeper somehow. I always want him near now, experiencing this dull ache in my chest when we don't get to hang out or I don't get to love him as I want.

 

 

As more hours go by, I decide on tenting my friends, since being cooped up all day in my room doing nothing gets really claustrophobic really fast.

  
This is how it goes:

**Felix: hey seungmin**

**Seungmin: no.**

**Felix: hey anna, what's up? I'm bored**

**Annnna: biteg do not teat me im at desigm ckass rn used mr george's alreasy an ass**

**Felix: pete hello—**

**Peter Pan: nOpE.**

Luckily, when I text Changbin he replies back, although not immediately but after his morning classes are over. I ask if he can come over, and he agrees even though there's a risk of him getting sick too, and I find that really sweet.

So here l am, sprawled out over my bed and staring at nothing, and it gets to a point when I realize that it's past my school's closing time and Changbin hasn't sent a text or anything informing me that he's on his way.

I check my phone for the nth time today. 4:37PM. Nothing. There's nothing from my other friends either, and it gets me sort of worried.

I attempt calling Changbin but a text stops me. It turns out to he Pete.

**Peter Pan: Felix, something came up**

I quickly answer him.

**Felix: what is it?**

**Peter Pan: Changbin got into some fight with one of those jocks. It got crazy**

**Felix: what? How did it happen**

**Peter Pan: i don't know, after classes ended for me, seungmin anna and i got caught up in this commotion in the hallways, and suddenly i see Changbin punching someone in the face, looking really angry. The principal got involved and held them up in school**

My mind races, not able to believe that this is actually happening.


End file.
